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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life Paperback – March 3, 2015

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 8,774 ratings

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An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy.

Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and
Come as You Are explains it all.

The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others’ experiences. Because women vary, and that’s normal.

Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm.

Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but
how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.

And Emily Nagoski can prove it.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire and why some couples just stop having sex, and what they can do about it. Come As You Are is an absolutely necessary guide for all couples who want to understand the ups and downs in their own sex life. It is a must read!”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

“Emily Nagoski has written one of the most important books about sex any woman (or anybody else) could ever pick up, full of insights that are both fascinating and deeply useful. Synthesizing new research and theory about sexuality with old-school sex-positive information of the sort you didn’t learn in sex ed (unless, perhaps, you are a Unitarian, or Scandinavian, or lucky enough to be in Dr. Nagoski’s class), I guarantee
Come As You Are will open minds and change lives.”
— Carol Queen, Ph.D., Founding director, Center for Sex & Culture

“Emily Nagoski is worth her weight in TED Talks, and
Come as You Are is a master-class in the science of sex.”
— Ian Kerner, sex therapist and bestselling author of
She Comes First

“It’s the science of sex, decoded and demystified. Want to be educated on the latest findings about female genitalia? Of course you do. Empowering and sex-positive at best, this informative read makes for an enticing bedfellow.”
—Refinery29

“Lots of books — and articles and experts — claim to have the keys to transform your sex life. This one actually has it. It isn’t as fast as taking a pill, but it will last a whole lot longer. You will find no hot new bedroom moves — it’s that deeper-level soul stuff. You know, the stuff that actually works.”
—Salon.com

“Wonderful new language to help us articulate to women (and their lovers) what is going on.”
Huffington Post

“Like a punch to the gut. When I read the passage that made me realize—after all these years—that I was not actually broken, I began to cry. . . . I wished [Nagoski] was someone who was actively in my life, someone I could reach out to for grounding every time I momentarily forgot the lessons in her book.”
—Book Riot

“Nagoski’s book deserves plaudits for the rare achievement of merging pop science and the sexual self-help genre in prose that’s not insufferably twee. . . . [
Come As You Are] offers up hard facts on the science of arousal and desire in a friendly and accessible way.”
The Guardian (UK)

About the Author

Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, and the coauthor of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She has an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster; 1st edition (March 3, 2015)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 416 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1476762090
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1476762098
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 14.4 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 8,774 ratings

About the author

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Emily Nagoski
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Emily Nagoski has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with a minor in Human Sexuality from Indiana University, and a MS in Counseling, also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has been a sex educator for twenty-five years. She lives in western Massachusetts with a strange cat, two dogs, and a cartoonist.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
8,774 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book informative and thought-provoking. They describe it as an enjoyable and engaging read with a simple language that is easy to understand. The author provides valuable insights and guidance on building a healthy sex life. The book helps readers appreciate their own worthiness and self-compassion.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

358 customers mention "Information quality"335 positive23 negative

Customers find the book provides informative and thought-provoking content about female biology. It presents concepts with solid scientific backing in an easy-to-understand way. Readers appreciate that it helps them become more self-aware and connected. The book covers topics like misinformation about biology, understanding your body and its reactions, and how to improve it. While some parts may be a bit technical, overall the information is accessible and valuable for women.

"...going to open new pathways to intimacy, strengthen existing ones, cultivate safety, trust and bonding for couples and understanding, self acceptance..." Read more

"...My favorite part of the book was learning about how the brain interprets goals and effort, and how you can use that to your emotional advantage to..." Read more

"...Why? Because what this book teaches you is immently important to your health, your sexual well being, and just general understanding of how you, and..." Read more

"...It introduces a number of critical concepts with solid scientific backing in a very approachable way...." Read more

260 customers mention "Readability"260 positive0 negative

Customers find the book engaging and enjoyable. They describe it as fascinating, clear, and thought-provoking. Readers appreciate the book's approachability and say it opens a dialogue to understanding themselves and others.

"...for males sprinkled in acouple of areas in the book, this is a seminal piece of work and I will now order several more copies for all the women..." Read more

"...Her blog is a refreshing on its own, but this book feels like a week at the spa. Thank you, Emily." Read more

"...But Ms. Nagoski has, in an very approachable, and very readable book. Please, consider purchasing it, and highlighting it. Mark it up and dog-ear it...." Read more

"...It is overall a brilliant and approachable book. It just turns out to be like the rest of the world: not quite what it should be." Read more

141 customers mention "Writing style"115 positive26 negative

Customers appreciate the author's writing style. They find the language easy to read and the writing full of wisdom, enthusiasm, character, and love. The book is described as brilliant and approachable, with great explanations and examples that anyone can understand. The author uses comprehensible analogies to communicate different brain functions, which they find really helpful.

"...existing ones, cultivate safety, trust and bonding for couples and understanding, self acceptance, healthier self talk and realistic expectations..." Read more

"...good things, this was the book that felt like a warm hug that explained everything and how I could make this work for me...." Read more

"...Because no one told us. But Ms. Nagoski has, in an very approachable, and very readable book. Please, consider purchasing it, and highlighting it...." Read more

"...It is overall a brilliant and approachable book. It just turns out to be like the rest of the world: not quite what it should be." Read more

68 customers mention "Pacing"63 positive5 negative

Customers find the book covers a lot of topics, including validation of feelings and emotional bonding cues. They say it's comforting and reassuring, teaching self-love on a new level. The book helps them connect with other women and feel less alone.

"...Yes, it's confronting, but it's also going to open new pathways to intimacy, strengthen existing ones, cultivate safety, trust and bonding for..." Read more

"...and while I learned good things, this was the book that felt like a warm hug that explained everything and how I could make this work for me...." Read more

"...The writing is warm, friendly, often funny and always based on solid research about attachment, arousal, desire, and human diversity...." Read more

"...The writing is full of wisdom, enthusiasm, character, and love...." Read more

63 customers mention "Sex life"57 positive6 negative

Customers find the book helpful for building a happy and healthy sex life. They say it provides an educational perspective on sex, orgasm advice, and benefits for couples. The book changes their view of sex and body image.

"...could be a catalyst for a return to marriages that endure, harmony between spouses and the re-invigoration and appreciation of the family unit and..." Read more

"...myself musing on how things work for me to feel so confident and excited about sex...." Read more

"...presented in an approachable manner, that provides great insight into how people work sexually (and, to be honest, in general as well)...." Read more

"...This is a must read if you want better sex life, better understanding of what drives you or holds you back in..." Read more

38 customers mention "Self esteem"38 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for self-esteem. They mention it's about liking yourself and others, mindfulness, stress coping mechanisms, and self-acceptance. The author's clear voice is nonjudgmental and relaxing. The book counters feelings of shame about their bodies or sexual selves, making them feel more normal.

"...safety, trust and bonding for couples and understanding, self acceptance, healthier self talk and realistic expectations for singles and well..." Read more

"...Her blog is a refreshing on its own, but this book feels like a week at the spa. Thank you, Emily." Read more

"...There are also many practical tips for increasing your pleasure and for just having more fun in bed...." Read more

"...are stressors in my life, yet from the very beginning I did not feel judged or flawed...." Read more

33 customers mention "Narrative quality"24 positive9 negative

Customers find the narrative quality relatable and effective. The book is full of great anecdotes and practical tips that keep it alive. It portrays a realistic philosophy where sex can be fun for everyone. Readers appreciate the content being engaging at many levels without any psych mumbo jumbo.

"...34;The RIGHT way to get that Big O" headline junk--it's science, it's real, and it is AWESOME. Buy it." Read more

"...Throwing in humor (as appropriate), narrative elements, and some seeds of personal disclosure, Nagoski draws in the reader--while not holding..." Read more

"...of various real women and I am fine with that, but the example were often very unrealistic, like the nice husband that organized the perfect..." Read more

"...engaged (even through the science) and Emily uses wit and stories to keep the book alive. I gave copies to all my girls!" Read more

31 customers mention "Humor"28 positive3 negative

Customers enjoy the author's humorous writing style. They find the text entertaining, empathetic, and easy to read.

"...The writing is warm, friendly, often funny and always based on solid research about attachment, arousal, desire, and human diversity...." Read more

"...general public and Emily has done both while also interjecting her own quirky sense of humor and also manager to write science with VOICE...." Read more

"...And she's funny as hell to boot...." Read more

"...Her writing is clear and accessible, funny without being silly...." Read more

You are normal and everyone should read this!
5 out of 5 stars
You are normal and everyone should read this!
Emily is a genius. She combines deep science with real life as well as practical skills to resolve issues we have been taught and are simply inaccurate. Debunking myths about our bodies, their function and really helping us all love and accept ourselves as “normal.” She even speaks to conditioning and how to retrain your brain. Beautifully done! Every human should read this book! I recommend to all my clients and friends!!
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on November 2, 2015
    You will learn the actual truth about womens' sexuality from this one book. If you think you understand womens' sexuality and you haven't read this book then sorry, you're wrong. (Actually you'll learn a lot about male sexuality too.) The scientifically supported 'truths' presented in this book are radically different to anything I've experienced through any medium previously. Forget all the legitimate well intentioned classics you've read and definitely forget everything you've read in a womens magazine or heard on daytime TV!. Their wrong. I know because I'm well read and I've a bookshelf full of well intentioned, impotent tomes to prove it.
    My only criticism of this book is the unfortunate undertone throughout and a couple of specific assertions from the author that men are solely responsible for the disfunction and mis-understanding of womens sexuality. Women need to own this situation just as much if not more than men (After all they have the pussy, so they make the rules) It would have been great not to marginalise men in the text, which despite my cognisance of feeling, interfered with my ability to read coherently at times because I was feeling pissed off. So I'd have to stop to process those feelings before I could move on. Instead this incredible, ground breaking work should be lovingly and compassionately delivered and targeted to everyone! Especially men, as I think their understanding and acceptance of the 'new knowledge' will be essential to their active participation in the healing process for partnered women. Obviously single men will benefit immensely and immediately upon commencing a sexual relationship with a woman too.
    Despite the thinly veiled contempt for males sprinkled in acouple of areas in the book, this is a seminal piece of work and I will now order several more copies for all the women (and their men) in my family, particularly though, my 15yo old daughter. This will set her up right. It will assist her with personal happiness through knowing herself properly. Emily has presented a correct interpretation of the subject, that will facilitate young women to navigate critically and with a measure of steadfast confidence through the spam and peppering of rubbish messages that unfortunately screw dso many young ones up. It must be said that there is value in this text in so many ways! Whilst it appears to fundamentally address sexual disfunction in women, one of the foundation points in the text is about how 'feeling sexual' is an apex desire/emotion for women. In order to cultivate an environment where sexual feelings/desire can occur, underlying issues must be dealt with. And Emily does. Have a daughter with eating disorder? Partner has body image issues? Emily marvellously dismantles, dissects and explains to the reader how all these things are caused and how to break them down and how they interfere with the sexuality She also covers a multitude of other less insidious but no less interfering issues that cause sexual disfunction. Reading this will fundamentally reset/recalibrate the readers expectations about what is 'normal' and what we should be desiring for ourselves in terms of healthy, real and relevant expectations. I'm a man and I'll admit that some sections of this book brought me to actual tears. As I read and learnt and realised that my assumptions about my wife were so wrong and as I considered my treatment of her (IE fighting about sex, accusations, all that) I realised that I have not been gentle with her heart and that realisation nearly killed me (really upset me). I have not acted lovingly and kind to my dear wife (and best friend) at times, (regarding sex), because I refused to accept that if anybody's experience of arousal and sex wasn't exactly like mine then there was something wrong with them. 'She's not a sexual person', ' She's vanilla' etc etc If you've ever found yourself thinking these things or god forbid actually labelling your partner like this then you absolutely must do yourself and your partner a justice and READ THIS BOOK! Yes, it's confronting, but it's also going to open new pathways to intimacy, strengthen existing ones, cultivate safety, trust and bonding for couples and understanding, self acceptance, healthier self talk and realistic expectations for singles and well everyone!
    BuY this book! We need to make this into a worlds best seller. It's application globally to re-orienting so many values and switching people off to bad messages (think media/advertising etc) could be a catalyst for a return to marriages that endure, harmony between spouses and the re-invigoration and appreciation of the family unit and wider caring societal values.
    Lastly I'd love to see Emily re-write this amazing book with the following considerations:
    1) Take out the underlying blaming of the male species. We are just as much victims of the corporate greed, culture and advertising etc that sponsored the current situation.
    2) I couldn't help but wonder throughout the book if a lot of it wasn't equally applicable to men. Whilst I'm sure some of it was (I kept personally identifying with things) Is all of it though? If so, then why not make this amazing book about human sexuality. This would also serve to facilitate it being read by a lot more men. Which is very important.
    3) As the 'spontaneously aroused' (SA) member of my marriage I have learnt and modified my expectations and behaviour regarding how I relate sexually to my 'responsively aroused' (RA) wife. However whilst this new way of relating to and assisting her with her accelerator and breaks is necessary, I guess I'm now experiencing some cognitive dissidence because despite understanding it all, I still have a stubborn, unreasonable yearning desire that cannot be placated with any amount of understanding (or deep breaths, cold showers or late night runs for that matter). So I am still suffering in a way because now the sexlife I am having 'is not natural to me'.
    Sometimes It feels like it's just all too hard. All this thinking, planning and effort to maybe facilitate something that comes so easily and naturally to yourself. Then sometimes you 'slip mentally' and you get into a really bad place where you've been managing your partners breaks and accelerator all day(s) and then when they are non responsive to your solicitations and just want to go to sleep, that's when you become resentful, because you've subconciously entered into a one sided pact, thinking that they now owe you something.. Yeah, bad I know. But wait it gets worse. That's when in your frustration, anger and despair, your little monitor suggests and convinces you to give up on your partner and sex altogether.
    I guess in consideration of the above there are three further issues that really need to be dealt with:
    1) This book (by virtue of recommended courses of action) basically legitimises and encourages the removal of spontaneous sex for the SA person.. Ouch! This doesn't seem quiet right to me. Surely there's another way? I know that technically it's "my problem" if I'm aroused and my partner isn't. But remove the spontaneity for the SA person and you have created virtually the same situation of an 'un-attractive sexual prospect' except it's now in reverse, affecting the SA person instead of the RA person. SA people deserve their partners energy and to be seduced and to receive some pampering and path clearing as well. They also should not have to initiate every single time. When the SA has to initiate every time the message cultivated by the little monitor is basically: "My partner doesn't care enough about me to know me. If they did they'd know I need to have sex" For some of us Spontaneity within a sexual encounter is a significant attraction to or reason for enjoying sex. Sex is allowed to be easy and carefree and spontaneous sometimes.
    I feel that after reading this book I understand my RA partner much better and how I can assist with her arousal response but it's also left me feeling like it's going to be a long life of work or dis-appointment for me, neither of which are particularly appealing.
    Despite the techniques detailed for identifying and developing arousal sponsoring situations etc it would be great if there was also a section of the book devoted to direct action techniques to be undertaken by the RA person to re-condition themselves to be more SA. Ie Pavlovian programming, meditations on sensuality. Homework?
    2) The SA aroused person must ultimately accept that they are going to be doing most of the leading, facilitating, seduction and initiation. How does one stay motivated to complete the significant workload required to manage the others breaks and accelerator without losing the 'joy of sex' for themselves and without 'feeling emotionally (and physically) exhausted, particularly if there is a limited or no return on their investment?.
    3) What 'tools' can the Spontaneously aroused use to deal with the inevitable episodes of feeling isolated, rejected, misunderstood, 'not cared for' and plain old frustrated complicit in a relationship with a responsive arouser?

    Finally, Emily asserts that there will never be a 'little pink pill' which will act on women the way Viagra etc acts for men. She makes a very good explanation of this and is correct within the limits of her argument. However I would advocate that if the scientists could develop a pill for men which made their semen taste like chocolate, then we might finally have a solution..... ;)
    104 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on March 4, 2015
    Come As You Are is absolutely the best sex book I've ever read. I used to buy so many trying to figure out how desire and arousal worked and while I learned good things, this was the book that felt like a warm hug that explained everything and how I could make this work for me. What I did not expect was to learn so much about my brain, and how *exactly* that was connected to sex, and why feeling joyful and content in life in general applies to sex specifically. I'd heard that sex and life were intertwined; the whole "it's all connected" but it never made sense until reading Emily Nagoski detailing HOW and WHY.

    So all of Emily's blog posts come to life in this book, and every time I re-read chapters, I feel like the science connects in a deeper way. She covers attachment, sex that advances the plot in relationships, emotions, and mindfulness, just to name some topics. My favorite part of the book was learning about how the brain interprets goals and effort, and how you can use that to your emotional advantage to make life easier. (Also, this applies to road rage!)

    I'd also always read that imagination was a big part of creating a better sex life, and this is the first book to have really sparked my curiosity in a way that I'm intrigued about sex. (I've had painful sex and avoided it for years now, while still desperate to find out how to make things work for me.) The way I think about sex and the way I feel about sex have been transformed after reading Come As You Are. Instead of comparing myself to friends' stories about sex, lately, I'm actually interested and find myself musing on how things work for me to feel so confident and excited about sex. I've come a long way from feeling that I have SO far to go to enjoy sex, to feeling jealous and inadequate when friends talked about sex, and thinking that I'm obviously not the goddess they are because I don't have those stories. That transformation alone feels therapy-huge, to have come from such shame and fear and sadness to curiosity and intrigue.

    I'm pretty sure Emily is also the first sex educator I've noticed that used empathy to write little notes to the reader about their struggles. I cannot tell you how many times I've re-read those paragraphs on her blog and in this book, because it was exactly what I'd needed and never had anyone else say before. Emily GETS it. And I'm so thankful she realizes the power of what she's teaching, so this book could be possible. I really think every person alive could learn something and feel more at ease in their relationships and with sex, just from reading this book. Her blog is a refreshing on its own, but this book feels like a week at the spa. Thank you, Emily.
    481 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Cyneas
    5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
    Reviewed in Canada on July 12, 2024
    This book is excellent and a MUST read for every woman. Our bodies are different and this book goes in depth explaining everything whether your young or old. There are reasons why women's bodies are different, why it reacts differently, and understanding this goes along way to accepting who we are and getting on with a great life. The author uses humour throughout the book which is great. Great book.
  • Don
    2.0 out of 5 stars Interesting
    Reviewed in Mexico on July 19, 2021
    Interesting understandings
  • Tudor-Paul Birlea
    5.0 out of 5 stars Read it!!
    Reviewed in Germany on June 27, 2023
    Wonderful book recommended to me by my friend. It is addressed to women, but men should also read it so they can understand better how certain things work. I will definitely recommend this book to people who want to learn and understand
  • morena
    5.0 out of 5 stars Stra consigliato a tutti, donne e uomini.
    Reviewed in Italy on November 16, 2021
    È scritto davvero benissimo, ne vale la pena. Lo farei leggere a chiunque sia o abbia relazioni con una donna. Inoltre molti concetti di estendono anche a situazioni che vanno ben oltre la sola sfera della sessualità. Scorrevole, interessante e mai banale o noioso, ma allo stesso tempo istruttivo e "Eye opening"
  • Cliente Kindle
    5.0 out of 5 stars Ótimo livro
    Reviewed in Brazil on June 13, 2018
    O livro é ótimo! Coloca uma perspectiva muito clara sobre a sexualidade feminina (e masculina), numa linguagem que todos entendem.