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How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen Hardcover – October 24, 2023

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 2,574 ratings

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A practical, heartfelt guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives—from the author of The Road to Character and The Second Mountain

As David Brooks observes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”

And yet we humans don’t do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In
How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of us: If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to?

Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection.
How to Know a Person helps readers become more understanding and considerate toward others, and to find the joy that comes from being seen. Along the way it offers a possible remedy for a society that is riven by fragmentation, hostility, and misperception.

The act of seeing another person, Brooks argues, is profoundly creative: How can we look somebody in the eye and see something large in them, and in turn, see something larger in ourselves?
How to Know a Person is for anyone searching for connection, and yearning to be understood.
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Popular Highlights in this book

From the Publisher

We underestimate how much others want to talk…and how quickly they will want to get personal

Human beings need recognition as much as they need food and water

To really know another person you have to know how they experience the world

To deeply know and understand others is a way of life

Editorial Reviews

Review

Praise for the works of David Brooks

The Second Mountain

“Deeply moving, frequently eloquent and extraordinarily incisive.”
The Washington Post

The Road to Character

“David Brooks’s gift—as he might put it in his swift, engaging way—is for making obscure but potent social studies research accessible and even startling.”
The New York Times Book Review

“A powerful, haunting book that works its way beneath your skin.”
—The Guardian

“Original and eye-opening . . . Brooks is a normative version of Malcolm Gladwell, culling from a wide array of scientists and thinkers to weave an idea bigger than the sum of its parts.”
USA Today

The Social Animal

“Provocative and fascinating . . . seeks to do nothing less than revolutionize our notions about how we function and conduct our lives.”
The Philadelphia Inquirer

“Brooks’s considerable achievement comes in his ability to elevate the unseen aspects of private experience into a vigorous and challenging conversation about what we all share.”
San Francisco Chronicle

About the Author

David Brooks is one of the nation’s leading writers and commentators. He is an op-ed columnist for The New York Times, a writer for The Atlantic, and appears regularly on PBS Newshour. He is the bestselling author of The Second Mountain, The Road to Character, The Social Animal, Bobos in Paradise, and On Paradise Drive.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Random House (October 24, 2023)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 059323006X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0593230060
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.21 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.35 x 1.05 x 9.55 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 2,574 ratings

About the author

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David Brooks
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David Brooks is an op-ed columnist for The New York Times and appears regularly on “PBS NewsHour,” NPR’s “All Things Considered” and NBC’s “Meet the Press.” He teaches at Yale University and is a member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. He is the bestselling author of The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement; Bobos in Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There; and On Paradise Drive: How We Live Now (And Always Have) in the Future Tense. He has three children and lives in Maryland.

Customer reviews

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Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2024
David Brooks has written many columns bemoaning the epidemic of loneliness, isolation, depression and anxiety plaguing our modern society, and this concern has displaced politics more and more in his columns, as he realizes these problems overshadow and contribute to our political ills.

In this book he presents what should be obvious, but is very often overlooked: relationships are everything. The person sitting across from you at any moment is the most important thing at the moment, and infinitely interesting if we invest the right attention and time in getting to really know that person.

He explains how the greatest way to honor another human being, and to become fully human ourselves, is to get to know others around us on the deeper level. This book is a deep dive into the mindset and skills that it takes to get to really know someone, and to be an "Illuminator," the ideal person Brooks describes who makes the best, most authentic connections with others. His voice is humble, compassionate, earnest, honest, often funny. He fills the book with many examples of how we often push people into "known" categories and overlook the full individual in front of us. He also gives many examples of people who are very good at knowing others, and seeing the full individual.

This is an inspiring book that I plan on reading again very soon.
60 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on May 5, 2024
Useful insights. Very well organized and well written.
Reviewed in the United States on March 19, 2024
Many know David Brooks for the professional hats he wears as a NYTs columnist and bestselling author, commentator for PBS NewsHour, and writer for The Atlantic. In his latest book, How to Know a Person, we discover that the man beneath these hats is an idealist, one who has chosen to use his platform as a writer to build and deepen human connection. In a society fraught with ever-increasing polarization and skyrocketing rates of depression, suicide, and gun violence, his book couldn't come at a better time. Everyone should read it.

How to Know a Person is the author's deep analysis of the kind of connection we all want to experience in our lives as often and in as many ways as possible. Brooks describes what it looks and feels like, what it doesn't, and how we fail at it. And fail we do all too often. Who hasn't asked a stranger at an event or on a plane what he does for a living or where she went to school? Brooks calls these kinds of questions the "instant size-up" of a "Diminisher," the type who consciously or not, makes people feel unseen and small. Genuine connection, Brooks says, is an art, one requiring a skill set we can all develop to become what he calls "Illuminators," those who see, respect, and value virtually everyone they know and meet. His book shows us how. It also gives us hope for a better world.

I got a lot out of this work. I learned that a good conversation always involves a balanced exchange and a great one sparks enlightenment. I learned that to really know others we must see them three-dimensionally: 1) as unique individuals; 2) as members of groups sharing social (e.g., ideological, religious, racial, class, etc.) and historical (e.g., racist, sexist, elitist, bigoted, etc.) inheritances; and 3) as human beings who view themselves as insiders or outsiders. I learned that asking the right questions requires a humble approach, and that even a dumb question is better than one insinuating how knowledgeable we are. I learned that hard conversations don't have to spiral into bad ones, provided disagreements stop short of power struggles and character attacks. But when they do, I learned we must step back, ask why, and find mutual ground. And I learned that being there for friends in the depths of depression and grief is not about coaxing them out of it but offering the comfort of being seen and the sense we'll be there on the other side of their despair.

That's for starters. I could go on and on. I'm certain I'll revisit this book throughout my life as I strive to evolve. It's that kind of work -- one anyone can pick up, randomly turn to any page, and learn something interesting, useful, enlightening and inspiring.

So why four stars and not five? I disagree with the author's dismissal of the Myers Briggs personality test, as I've taken it countless times over the past 35 years and have consistently scored the same type. Moreover, I've found it extremely useful in helping me understand almost everyone in my life, when used as a set of spectrums rather than an either/or assessment. The Big Five, a test Brooks endorses, is one I've personally scored very differently on, depending on the times I've taken it (e.g., when grieving). Also, while Brooks includes in his work an example of narcissistic behavior, he gives us the impression that we can and should have deep conversations with literally everyone. He fails to mention that some people have disordered personalities that require the opposite approach: firm boundaries.

But don't let these criticisms dissuade you from reading this book. Brooks's writing is open, honest, deeply insightful, and admirably well-intentioned. His views are enriched by a broad range of humanistic sources spanning the fields of neuroscience, clinical and social psychology, philosophy, literature and film. The book is a joy to read. More importantly, it's one that will inspire you to see and be seen in the best possible way. I highly recommend it.
20 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2024
Brooks is a great erudite writer. Good insights into people and their differences. Great to know how people show culture they live in or originate from.
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on April 23, 2024
I hardly buy hard cover books and only keep 1 or 2 each year. This is my keeper for 2024 because it was so interesting and simply important. I wish it would be required reading for all American adults. It might help the huge divide we find ourselves in.
2 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on May 6, 2024
There are so many things in this book that could help anyone to help to understand those around you. It give great insight and tips that you may never have thought to help communicate. Would highly recommend this book to read.
Reviewed in the United States on April 28, 2024
After listening to the audio book myself, I purchased this book as a gift . David Brooks, the author, has great insight into effective communications. It can certainly help people to know and understand each other.
I purchased a used book; It is in perfect condition and arrived several days early! What's not to like?
Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2024
Another member suggested this title. I thought the author made some good suggestions for deepening our communication skills, and he stressed how important it is in today's world. It read kind of like a high school or college textbook.

Top reviews from other countries

Derek Smith
5.0 out of 5 stars Powerful and inspiring
Reviewed in Canada on February 19, 2024
This book is so timely. In an age where brevity and expedience through social media are valued more than face-to-face discussions, this author knows how to reach that important inner self. I didn’t expect to be so enthralled by such a book - credit to the author for producing such a readable and thought-provoking book. Highly recommended.
2 people found this helpful
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Lili
5.0 out of 5 stars Admirable research combined good storytelling.
Reviewed in Mexico on December 20, 2023
This book contained exactly what I was looking for and more. The author takes the reader through a series of ways on how to see a person fully and thus connect: knowing how to see through sorrow, how to engage in difficult conversations, how to see taking context into consideration, etc. Great read for anyone looking to build stronger human relationships.
adarsh
5.0 out of 5 stars Book is hub of ideas to transform
Reviewed in India on February 24, 2024
In our life we are told a lot of times that we are not open , but we never really think what is being open means but this book made me understand what is being open means ar a definition level with a great example. The precursor to being open starts with listening and that too is a very important skill , our brain has a limitation it cannot both talk and lisen at the same time as the same area is used to process input output. He also expans how we play the role of illuminator or diminisher in others life , there are other concepts like what is a person and objective facts are looked from the persons life and each person comes up with a subjective reality. What is emphaty and what we can do to get better , what are the different personality styles , how you be genuine be interested in others? , how to have a conversation , how do we help a person in depression..... summary is it is a deeply enlightening book .... but to implement the ideas you have to think and we are desined to save energy:)
OZ
2.0 out of 5 stars As usual: this is not a book, it is a collection of unrelated writings
Reviewed in Spain on February 4, 2024
I have many questions to the editors and the publishing industry of today, which can be summed us as: Why are you trying to destroy people's trust in books? It seems like nowadays one can publish just about anything, no structure or editing quality required. This book is one of many example of such poor (nonexistent?) editing. Its first part is not bad and on the topic declared in the title. It's about 25% of the book. The rest is just a random collection of writings, probably made by the author over the years on multiple topics with multiple purposes. Suddenly all of that is just sort of thrown into the book wholesale, just to inflate its volume (I think). Annoying and disrespectful to the readere.
Prof Steve Walton
5.0 out of 5 stars Stimulating and thoughtful
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 23, 2024
A book which has helped me understand better how to be human. Thanks for the stories, insights and bon mots.
2 people found this helpful
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