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How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen Hardcover – October 24, 2023

by David Brooks (Author)

4.6 2,574 ratings

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A practical, heartfelt guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives—from the author of The Road to Character and The Second Mountain

As David Brooks observes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”

And yet we humans don’t do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of us: If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to?

Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection. How to Know a Person helps readers become more understanding and considerate toward others, and to find the joy that comes from being seen. Along the way it offers a possible remedy for a society that is riven by fragmentation, hostility, and misperception.

The act of seeing another person, Brooks argues, is profoundly creative: How can we look somebody in the eye and see something large in them, and in turn, see something larger in ourselves? How to Know a Person is for anyone searching for connection, and yearning to be understood.

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Popular Highlights in this book

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People don’t see the world with their eyes; they see it with their entire life.
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Wise people don’t just possess information; they possess a compassionate understanding of other people. They know about life.
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Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.
Highlighted by 251 Kindle readers

From the Publisher

We underestimate how much others want to talk…and how quickly they will want to get personal

Editorial Reviews

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Praise for the works of David Brooks

The Second Mountain

“Deeply moving, frequently eloquent and extraordinarily incisive.”—The Washington Post

The Road to Character

“David Brooks’s gift—as he might put it in his swift, engaging way—is for making obscure but potent social studies research accessible and even startling.”—The New York Times Book Review

“A powerful, haunting book that works its way beneath your skin.”—The Guardian

“Original and eye-opening . . . Brooks is a normative version of Malcolm Gladwell, culling from a wide array of scientists and thinkers to weave an idea bigger than the sum of its parts.”—USA Today

The Social Animal

“Provocative and fascinating . . . seeks to do nothing less than revolutionize our notions about how we function and conduct our lives.”—The Philadelphia Inquirer

“Brooks’s considerable achievement comes in his ability to elevate the unseen aspects of private experience into a vigorous and challenging conversation about what we all share.”—San Francisco Chronicle

About the Author

David Brooks is one of the nation’s leading writers and commentators. He is an op-ed columnist for The New York Times, a writer for The Atlantic, and appears regularly on PBS Newshour. He is the bestselling author of The Second Mountain, The Road to Character, The Social Animal, Bobos in Paradise, and On Paradise Drive.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

ONE

The Power of Being Seen

If you ever saw the old movie Fiddler on the Roof, you know how warm and emotional Jewish families can be. They are always hugging, singing, dancing, laughing, and crying together.

I come from the other kind of Jewish family.

The culture of my upbringing could be summed up by the phrase “Think Yiddish, act British.” We were reserved, stiff-upper-lip types. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood—far from it. Home was a stimulating place for me, growing up. Over our Thanksgiving dinner tables, we talked about the history of Victorian funerary monuments and the evolutionary sources of lactose intolerance (I’m not kidding). There was love in the home. We just didn’t express it.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I became a bit detached. When I was four, my nursery school teacher apparently told my parents, “David doesn’t always play with the other children. A lot of the time he stands off to the side and observes them.” Whether it was nature or nurture, a certain aloofness became part of my personality. By high school I had taken up long-term residency inside my own head. I felt most alive when I was engaged in the solitary business of writing. Junior year I wanted to date a woman named Bernice. But after doing some intel gathering, I discovered she wanted to go out with another guy. I was shocked. I remember telling myself, “What is she thinking? I write way better than that guy!” It’s quite possible that I had a somewhat constrained view of how social life worked for most people.

Then, when I was eighteen, the admissions officers at Columbia, Wesleyan, and Brown decided I should go to the University of Chicago. I love my alma mater, and it has changed a lot for the better since I was there, but back then it wasn’t exactly the sort of get-in-touch-with-your-feelings place that would help thaw my emotional ice age. My favorite saying about Chicago is this one: It’s a Baptist school where atheist professors teach Jewish students Saint Thomas Aquinas. The students there still wear T-shirts that read, “Sure it works in practice, but does it work in theory?” And so into this heady world I traipsed and . . . shocker, I fit right in.

If you had met me ten years out of college, I think you would have found me a pleasant enough guy, cheerful but a tad inhibited—not somebody who was easy to get to know or who found it easy to get to know you. In truth, I was a practiced escape artist. When other people revealed some vulnerable intimacy to me, I was good at making meaningful eye contact with their shoes and then excusing myself to keep a vitally important appointment with my dry cleaner. I had a sense that this wasn’t an ideal way of being. I felt painfully awkward during those moments when someone tried to connect with me. I inwardly wanted to connect. I just didn’t know what to say.

Repressing my own feelings became my default mode for moving through the world. I suppose I was driven by the usual causes: fear of intimacy; an intuition that if I really let my feelings flow, I wouldn’t like what bubbled up; a fear of vulnerability; and a general social ineptitude. One seemingly small and stupid episode symbolizes this repressed way of living for me. I’m a big baseball fan, and though I have been to hundreds of games, I have never once caught a foul ball in the stands. One day about fifteen years ago, I was at a game in Baltimore when a hitter’s bat shattered, and the whole bat except the knob helicoptered over the dugout and landed at my feet. I reached down and grabbed it. Getting a bat at a game is a thousand times better than getting a ball! I should have been jumping up and down, waving my trophy in the air, high-fiving the people around me, becoming a temporary jumbotron celebrity. Instead, I just placed the bat at my feet and sat, still-faced, as everyone stared at me. Looking back, I want to scream at myself: “Show a little joy!” But when it came to spontaneous displays of emotion, I had the emotional capacity of a head of cabbage.

Life has a way of tenderizing you, though. Becoming a father was an emotional revolution, of course. Later, I absorbed my share of the blows that any adult suffers: broken relationships, public failures, the vulnerability that comes with getting older. The ensuing sense of my own frailty was good for me, introducing me to deeper, repressed parts of myself.

Another seemingly small event symbolizes the beginning of my ongoing journey toward becoming a full human being. As a commentator and pundit, I sometimes get asked to sit on panel discussions. Usually, they are at Washington think tanks and they have exactly as much emotional ardor as you’d expect from a discussion of fiscal policy. (As the journalist Meg Greenfield once observed, Washington isn’t filled with the wild kids who stuck the cat in the dryer; it’s filled with the kind of kids who tattled on the kids who stuck the cat in the dryer.) But on this particular day, I was invited to appear on a panel at the Public Theater in New York, the company that would later launch the musical Hamilton. I think we were supposed to talk about the role of the arts in public life. The actress Anne Hathaway was on the panel with me, along with a hilarious and highbrow clown named Bill Irwin and a few others. At this panel, D.C. think-tank rules didn’t apply. Backstage, before the panel, everybody was cheering each other on. We gathered for a big group hug. We charged out into the theater filled with camaraderie and purpose. Hathaway sang a moving song. There were tissues on the stage in case anybody started crying. The other panelists started emoting things. They talked about magical moments when they were undone, transported, or transformed by some artwork or play. Even I started emoting things! As my hero Samuel Johnson might have said, it was like watching a walrus trying to figure skate—it wasn’t good, but you were impressed that you were seeing it at all. Then, after the panel, we celebrated with another group hug. I thought, “This is fantastic! I’ve got to be around theater people more!” I vowed to alter my life.

Yes, I’m the guy who had his life changed by a panel discussion.

Okay, it was a little more gradual than that. But over the years I came to realize that living in a detached way is, in fact, a withdrawal from life, an estrangement not just from other people but from yourself. So I struck out on a journey. We writers work out our stuff in public, of course, so I wrote books on emotion, moral character, and spiritual growth. And it kind of worked. Over the years, I altered my life. I made myself more vulnerable with people and more emotionally expressive in public. I tried to become the sort of person people would confide in—talk with me about their divorces, their grief over the death of their spouse, worries about their kids. Gradually, things began to change inside. I had these novel experiences: “What are these tinglings in my chest? Oh, they’re feelings!” One day, I’m dancing at a concert: “Feelings are great!” Another day, I’m sad that my wife is away on a trip: “Feelings suck!” My life goals changed, too. When I was young, I wanted to be knowledgeable, but as I got older, I wanted to be wise. Wise people don’t just possess information; they possess a compassionate understanding of other people. They know about life.

I’m not an exceptional person, but I am a grower. I do have the ability to look at my shortcomings, then try to prod myself into becoming a more fully developed human being. I’ve made progress over these years. Wait, I can prove this to you! Twice in my life I’ve been lucky enough to have appeared on Oprah’s show Super Soul Sunday, once in 2015 and once in 2019. After we were done taping the second interview, Oprah came up to me and said, “I’ve rarely seen someone change so much. You were so blocked before.” That was a proud moment for me. I mean, she should know—she’s Oprah.

I learned something profound along the way. Being open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. We talk about the importance of “relationships,” “community,” “friendship,” “social connection,” but these words are too abstract. The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Random House (October 24, 2023)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 059323006X
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0593230060
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.21 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.35 x 1.05 x 9.55 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #468 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #4 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #6 in Philosophy of Ethics & Morality
- #29 in Personal Transformation Self-Help

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David Brooks

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David Brooks is an op-ed columnist for The New York Times and appears regularly on “PBS NewsHour,” NPR’s “All Things Considered” and NBC’s “Meet the Press.” He teaches at Yale University and is a member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. He is the bestselling author of The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement; Bobos in Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There; and On Paradise Drive: How We Live Now (And Always Have) in the Future Tense. He has three children and lives in Maryland.

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EarlyBird

Deeply Human, Inspiring Book

Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2024

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David Brooks has written many columns bemoaning the epidemic of loneliness, isolation, depression and anxiety plaguing our modern society, and this concern has displaced politics more and more in his columns, as he realizes these problems overshadow and contribute to our political ills.

In this book he presents what should be obvious, but is very often overlooked: relationships are everything. The person sitting across from you at any moment is the most important thing at the moment, and infinitely interesting if we invest the right attention and time in getting to really know that person.

He explains how the greatest way to honor another human being, and to become fully human ourselves, is to get to know others around us on the deeper level. This book is a deep dive into the mindset and skills that it takes to get to really know someone, and to be an "Illuminator," the ideal person Brooks describes who makes the best, most authentic connections with others. His voice is humble, compassionate, earnest, honest, often funny. He fills the book with many examples of how we often push people into "known" categories and overlook the full individual in front of us. He also gives many examples of people who are very good at knowing others, and seeing the full individual.

This is an inspiring book that I plan on reading again very soon.

60 people found this helpful

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Julia Stoddard

Informative, well organized, clearly written, and entertaining.

Reviewed in the United States on May 5, 2024

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Useful insights. Very well organized and well written.

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Tucker Mackenzie

How to Know a Person is Positively Illuminating

Reviewed in the United States on March 19, 2024

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Many know David Brooks for the professional hats he wears as a NYTs columnist and bestselling author, commentator for PBS NewsHour, and writer for The Atlantic. In his latest book, How to Know a Person, we discover that the man beneath these hats is an idealist, one who has chosen to use his platform as a writer to build and deepen human connection. In a society fraught with ever-increasing polarization and skyrocketing rates of depression, suicide, and gun violence, his book couldn't come at a better time. Everyone should read it.

How to Know a Person is the author's deep analysis of the kind of connection we all want to experience in our lives as often and in as many ways as possible. Brooks describes what it looks and feels like, what it doesn't, and how we fail at it. And fail we do all too often. Who hasn't asked a stranger at an event or on a plane what he does for a living or where she went to school? Brooks calls these kinds of questions the "instant size-up" of a "Diminisher," the type who consciously or not, makes people feel unseen and small. Genuine connection, Brooks says, is an art, one requiring a skill set we can all develop to become what he calls "Illuminators," those who see, respect, and value virtually everyone they know and meet. His book shows us how. It also gives us hope for a better world.

I got a lot out of this work. I learned that a good conversation always involves a balanced exchange and a great one sparks enlightenment. I learned that to really know others we must see them three-dimensionally: 1) as unique individuals; 2) as members of groups sharing social (e.g., ideological, religious, racial, class, etc.) and historical (e.g., racist, sexist, elitist, bigoted, etc.) inheritances; and 3) as human beings who view themselves as insiders or outsiders. I learned that asking the right questions requires a humble approach, and that even a dumb question is better than one insinuating how knowledgeable we are. I learned that hard conversations don't have to spiral into bad ones, provided disagreements stop short of power struggles and character attacks. But when they do, I learned we must step back, ask why, and find mutual ground. And I learned that being there for friends in the depths of depression and grief is not about coaxing them out of it but offering the comfort of being seen and the sense we'll be there on the other side of their despair.

That's for starters. I could go on and on. I'm certain I'll revisit this book throughout my life as I strive to evolve. It's that kind of work -- one anyone can pick up, randomly turn to any page, and learn something interesting, useful, enlightening and inspiring.

So why four stars and not five? I disagree with the author's dismissal of the Myers Briggs personality test, as I've taken it countless times over the past 35 years and have consistently scored the same type. Moreover, I've found it extremely useful in helping me understand almost everyone in my life, when used as a set of spectrums rather than an either/or assessment. The Big Five, a test Brooks endorses, is one I've personally scored very differently on, depending on the times I've taken it (e.g., when grieving). Also, while Brooks includes in his work an example of narcissistic behavior, he gives us the impression that we can and should have deep conversations with literally everyone. He fails to mention that some people have disordered personalities that require the opposite approach: firm boundaries.

But don't let these criticisms dissuade you from reading this book. Brooks's writing is open, honest, deeply insightful, and admirably well-intentioned. His views are enriched by a broad range of humanistic sources spanning the fields of neuroscience, clinical and social psychology, philosophy, literature and film. The book is a joy to read. More importantly, it's one that will inspire you to see and be seen in the best possible way. I highly recommend it.

20 people found this helpful

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J G

Great understanding why we all are different

Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2024

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Brooks is a great erudite writer. Good insights into people and their differences. Great to know how people show culture they live in or originate from.

One person found this helpful

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Kirsty Smith

Excellent

Reviewed in the United States on April 23, 2024

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I hardly buy hard cover books and only keep 1 or 2 each year. This is my keeper for 2024 because it was so interesting and simply important. I wish it would be required reading for all American adults. It might help the huge divide we find ourselves in.

2 people found this helpful

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CaroleB

Must read book!

Reviewed in the United States on May 6, 2024

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There are so many things in this book that could help anyone to help to understand those around you. It give great insight and tips that you may never have thought to help communicate. Would highly recommend this book to read.

Reviewed in the United States on April 28, 2024

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After listening to the audio book myself, I purchased this book as a gift . David Brooks, the author, has great insight into effective communications. It can certainly help people to know and understand each other.
I purchased a used book; It is in perfect condition and arrived several days early! What's not to like?

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Maggie Keyser

Read for my book club

Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2024

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Another member suggested this title. I thought the author made some good suggestions for deepening our communication skills, and he stressed how important it is in today's world. It read kind of like a high school or college textbook.

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Derek Smith

Powerful and inspiring

Reviewed in Canada on February 19, 2024

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This book is so timely. In an age where brevity and expedience through social media are valued more than face-to-face discussions, this author knows how to reach that important inner self. I didn’t expect to be so enthralled by such a book - credit to the author for producing such a readable and thought-provoking book. Highly recommended.

2 people found this helpful

Lili

Admirable research combined good storytelling.

Reviewed in Mexico on December 20, 2023

Verified Purchase

This book contained exactly what I was looking for and more. The author takes the reader through a series of ways on how to see a person fully and thus connect: knowing how to see through sorrow, how to engage in difficult conversations, how to see taking context into consideration, etc. Great read for anyone looking to build stronger human relationships.

adarsh

Book is hub of ideas to transform

Reviewed in India on February 24, 2024

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In our life we are told a lot of times that we are not open , but we never really think what is being open means but this book made me understand what is being open means ar a definition level with a great example. The precursor to being open starts with listening and that too is a very important skill , our brain has a limitation it cannot both talk and lisen at the same time as the same area is used to process input output. He also expans how we play the role of illuminator or diminisher in others life , there are other concepts like what is a person and objective facts are looked from the persons life and each person comes up with a subjective reality. What is emphaty and what we can do to get better , what are the different personality styles , how you be genuine be interested in others? , how to have a conversation , how do we help a person in depression..... summary is it is a deeply enlightening book .... but to implement the ideas you have to think and we are desined to save energy:)

OZ

As usual: this is not a book, it is a collection of unrelated writings

Reviewed in Spain on February 4, 2024

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I have many questions to the editors and the publishing industry of today, which can be summed us as: Why are you trying to destroy people's trust in books? It seems like nowadays one can publish just about anything, no structure or editing quality required. This book is one of many example of such poor (nonexistent?) editing. Its first part is not bad and on the topic declared in the title. It's about 25% of the book. The rest is just a random collection of writings, probably made by the author over the years on multiple topics with multiple purposes. Suddenly all of that is just sort of thrown into the book wholesale, just to inflate its volume (I think). Annoying and disrespectful to the readere.

Prof Steve Walton

Stimulating and thoughtful

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 23, 2024

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A book which has helped me understand better how to be human. Thanks for the stories, insights and bon mots.

2 people found this helpful

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