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The Emotionally Absent Mother, Second Edition Paperback – April 18, 2017

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 2,544 ratings

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The groundbreaking guide to self-healing and getting the love you missed

“Years ago, I was on vacation and read
The Emotionally Absent Mother. That book was one of many that woke me up. . . . I began the process of reparenting and it’s changed my life.”―Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times–bestselling author of How to Do the Work

Was your mother preoccupied, distant, or even demeaning? Have you struggled with relationships―or with your own self-worth? Often, the grown children of emotionally absent mothers can’t quite put a finger on what’s missing from their lives. The children of abusive mothers, by contrast, may recognize the abuse―but overlook its lasting, harmful effects.

Psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori has helped thousands of men and women heal the hidden wounds left by every kind of undermothering. In this second edition of her pioneering book, with compassion for mother and child alike, she explains:
  • Possible reasons your mother was distracted or hurtful―and what she was unable to give
  • The lasting impact of childhood emotional neglect and abuse
  • How to find the child inside you and fill the “mother gap” through reflections and exercises
  • How to secure a happier future for yourself (and perhaps for your children).
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The Emotionally Absent Mother, Second Edition Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother: A Workbook
Customer Reviews
4.7 out of 5 stars
2,544
Price $17.23 $24.95
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Years ago, I was on vacation and read The Emotionally Absent Mother. That book was one of many that woke me up. . . . I began the process of reparenting and it’s changed my life."
Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times–bestselling author of How to Do the Work

"This book is a revelation to those of us whose mothering was short of what we needed. The author sensitively and authoritatively weaves developmental principles into a compassionate understanding of what it means to be under-mothered."
Connie Dawson, PhD, coauthor of Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children

"With compassion and sparkling clarity, Jasmin Lee Cori describes the effects of being under-mothered and what it takes to overcome them. Her book will be of great value to new mothers serious about creating a loving environment for their children, adult sons and daughters who want at long last to fill the holes in their hearts, and clinicians interested in understanding and healing the mother wound."
Evelyn Bassoff, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Mothering Ourselves: Help and Healing for Adult Daughters

"Jasmin Lee Cori has done a superb job of describing the importance of childhood attachment needs and the psychological wounds that get inflicted when an emotionally absent mother cannot meet those needs well enough. She has skillfully laid out clear steps wounded adults can take to identify their inner strengths and heal attachment wounds. I wholeheartedly recommend this book for anyone who wishes to understand and heal the wounds that can arise when parented by an emotionally absent mother."
Shirley Jean Schmidt, MA, LPC, author of The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy: An Ego State Therapy for Healing Adults with Childhood Trauma and Attachment Wounds

"This book effortlessly intertwines neuroscience with clinical acumen in a lovely work of extraordinary depth. In her compelling, heart-rending analysis of the importance of motherhood, Jasmin Lee Cori has created a work as significant as Alice Miller’s
Prisoners of Childhood. Easily accessible and very useful, it is a must-read for parents-to-be, those in the helping professions, and adults who have been wounded by a negligent parent."
Kate Crowley, OTD, OTR/L, University of Southern California

"With a compassionate and steady voice, Jasmin Lee Cori guides the reader through the difficult terrain faced by adults who have grown up without sufficient emotional mothering. Relying on personal experience and practice as a psychotherapist, she provides insight and tools to help readers overcome the challenges of a painful childhood and to move into the pleasures of living adult life fully."
Kathryn Black, MA, psychotherapist, author of Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within

About the Author

Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, worked as a licensed psychotherapist for many years, specializing in working with adults who experienced childhood abuse and neglect. She has worked in human service agencies and private practice, and has taught psychology in colleges and professional schools. She is the author of numerous articles and five nonfiction books, including The Emotionally Absent Mother and Healing From Trauma.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ The Experiment; Second edition (April 18, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1615193820
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1615193820
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.69 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 2,544 ratings

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Jasmin Lee Cori
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Jasmin Lee Cori is a psychotherapist based in Boulder, Colorado. She wrote Healing From Trauma from her dual perspective as a therapist and trauma survivor. A gifted self-help writer, she brought similar clinical acumen and insight to her book for under-mothered adults, The Emotionally Absent Mother, now in a second edition.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
2,544 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book insightful and helpful for learning to cope with emotional neglect. They describe it as an easy, clear read that explains everything clearly. The book helps readers find compassion for themselves and their lost inner child. Readers appreciate the author's detailed descriptions of what it takes to be a mother. Overall, the book provides a balanced picture of what it looks like to be a mother in a clear and gratifying manner.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

156 customers mention "Information quality"152 positive4 negative

Customers find the book insightful and helpful for learning to cope with abuse. They say it provides hope and renewed inspiration to continue healing. The book is described as transformative and spiritually competent.

"...It is illuminating and will give you tremendous insight as well as comfort that you are not alone in how you were raised and how you might continue..." Read more

"...desperately needs its "good enough" mothers, and this book is one good tool for finding your way back to what that means when it was not modeled for..." Read more

"...therapeutic approaches and self-care approaches that can be incorporated into daily life, with or without accompanying therapy, which should help to..." Read more

"...The product is not a parent-bashing book, it just is very honest...." Read more

82 customers mention "Readability"71 positive11 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and well-written. They appreciate the author's understanding of mothering and the clear explanations. The book is thorough and covers all aspects of neglect or trauma. It provides deep insights and answers for those ready for real solutions. Readers praise the author's knowledge and passion for writing this book.

"...I will, however, recall how much I have learned from it. It is smartly written, backed up my years of research and includes questions, lists for the..." Read more

"...for me that I am in fact not crazy to feel this way, and explained very clearly how and why many daughters enter adulthood with the feeling of being..." Read more

"...until I read this book, I have never encountered a book that is so comprehensive and has such a solid foundation in research...." Read more

"This book was well-written and organized and proved helpful at getting me in touch with my feelings which I tend to hide which doesn't deal with..." Read more

53 customers mention "Emotional depth"44 positive9 negative

Customers find the book helpful for recovering from emotional neglect. They say it helps them find compassion for themselves and their lost child. It's a relief to confront painful childhood memories and to learn to cope with and understand unhealthy coping mechanisms. The book provides words to feelings that have been felt most of their life.

"...But the author does suggest a large variety of both therapeutic approaches and self-care approaches that can be incorporated into daily life, with..." Read more

"...The product is not a parent-bashing book, it just is very honest...." Read more

"...The author does a good job of not blaming mothers who were emotionally absent while still validating the hurt that the child experienced from "..." Read more

"...This book gives hope and is worth studying...." Read more

7 customers mention "Pacing"7 positive0 negative

Customers find the book provides a clear and balanced depiction of motherhood. They appreciate the author's detailed and sensitive portrayal of the experience. The poem on the first page resonates with readers.

"...two, The Many Faces of the Good Mother, it provides a clear, balanced picture of what it looks like when a mother is meeting her child's needs fully..." Read more

"This book describes, in astonishing and gratifying detail, problems I have sometimes articulated to myself but never found an understanding ear for,..." Read more

"...The author articulates this beautifully with great sensitivity and compassion...." Read more

"This book provides a comprehensive look at what "good enough" mothers are supposed to impart to their children naturally if the are..." Read more

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5 out of 5 stars
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Wow ! This book blew my mind. It sat in the closet for few months as I REALLY was dreading reading it after i ordered it, But I got such healing through this book!!! I wish I read it Earlier. This book can help you to break the generational flow of negativity or toxic things. Read it. You will love it
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2022
    I had heard about this book from I do not recall where. I will, however, recall how much I have learned from it. It is smartly written, backed up my years of research and includes questions, lists for the reader to review. It was a bit painful to read at times but the insight it has given me far exceeded that. I have recommended to my sisters as well. I strongly suggest anyone with mother's who had difficulty parenting or being present to read this book. It is illuminating and will give you tremendous insight as well as comfort that you are not alone in how you were raised and how you might continue to feel. It is helpful in healing. My mother came here on an arranged marriage from the Middle East. She was 17, he was 52. 4 children by the times she was 24. One summer they went back to spend a summer with family. He caught wind that she went to her parents and begged for a divorce (He was emotionally, physically & sexually abusive). Her depression was evident and, without disclosing what he heard, he sent her back here & left the children to finish their vacation coming back in a month's time. He then went into "hiding" with them. By the time he returned he had a new (older, old maid type) of wife and prevented her from seeing them (it was the 50's AND the culture in arab dominated locations here) She married my father to 'replace' the four kids she lost (adding to that, our father left her with 4 kids under the age of 5 as he chose drinking & irresponsibility for a life). A recipe for disaster in parenting in a healthy manner. IN any event (I am not one to be so forthcoming with this but feel it is important for context) it was not a healthy environment for us, we did not know about her past. My point is that there are a variety of ways that cause a mother to be 'absent'. Certainly alcohol plays a part for some. My general point is that there is always a back story and although this material was not available to those of us from a certain generation, it is now and gives a great many people to understand, forgive, and repair. I guarantee that.
    78 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 10, 2011
    I have always carried with me the feeling that I grew up without a mother, even though I had a mother. My mother was physically present (she even stayed at home and did not work most of the years of my childhood) and certainly not a malicious person by any stretch of the imagination. So this was a crazy feeling to carry around with me as an adult. This book confirmed for me that I am in fact not crazy to feel this way, and explained very clearly how and why many daughters enter adulthood with the feeling of being motherless or under-mothered, how this affects them in their adult life, and finally gives very practical advice for how to recover.

    This books is clear, well-written, nuanced, and organized. In chapter two, The Many Faces of the Good Mother, it provides a clear, balanced picture of what it looks like when a mother is meeting her child's needs fully (not perfectly!). Other recovery books have helped me to see that abandonment and neglect exist on a spectrum (i.e. just because you weren't left as a baby on someone's doorstep doesn't mean you weren't abandoned on some level as a child). This book helped me to refine my understanding even further and hone in on the specific holes that I experienced in my relationship with my mother--holes that are still affecting how I function as an adult, and how I function as a mother myself. It isn't about blame or resentment, but about having clarity and taking responsibility for your needs so that you can move on. The book is very affirming in telling the reader: if it is still bothering you, then it is still bothering you. It's not over and done with until you feel finished with it. This book is written to help you move on so that you can think about other things.

    I found some (not all) of the recovery exercises and suggestions to be a little on the cheesy side, but as I'm by now a seasoned reader of self-help books, I have developed a high tolerance for this kind of thing. I'm sure that different readers will take what is useful for them. As long as the book can benefit me hugely overall I don't mind if it throws out a few suggestions that I'm not crazy about. I definitely rate this book as a very important one in my overall journey in recovery because I firmly believe that there are very important issues specific to the mother-daughter relationship that need to be handled separately. Finally someone did (very gracefully, I might add), and I am really grateful! The world desperately needs its "good enough" mothers, and this book is one good tool for finding your way back to what that means when it was not modeled for you. Really, what could be more important?
    586 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on February 16, 2013
    This book is simply suberb. I consider that it stands head and shoulders over a lot of other self-help books for people struggling to come to terms with childhoods that involved neglect and abuse. I have never read a self-help book that had no useful suggestions at all, but on the other hand, until I read this book, I have never encountered a book that is so comprehensive and has such a solid foundation in research.

    I do not share the view of other reviewers that the book is too academic. Serious maternal neglect, for those affected by it, is an elusive subject: how do you assess the impact of something that is essentially a void, on your life? It's like an unknown territory, and in order to know where you are, you'll want a proper ordnance survey map (the various chapters that summarise the research) and navigational tools (the author's questions to the reader), and not the equivalent of some vague directions someone scribbled on the back of an envelope. The author's academic framework is attachment theory, as it has been developed in the past five decades, and she references her theoretical statements extensively. I found this very reassuring to know I am not being sold snake oil or platitudes.

    It is true that there are not many practical exercises in the book, but then, I would say the subject is too complex, and reaches too deeply into the lives of those affected by it, to make that practical or even ethical. But the author does suggest a large variety of both therapeutic approaches and self-care approaches that can be incorporated into daily life, with or without accompanying therapy, which should help to ease the burden for everyone who is living with the painful heritage of serious maternal neglect.
    27 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • yash
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great book - Forces you to dig deep
    Reviewed in Canada on August 12, 2024
    Made me ask a lot of questions and improve my life. I wouldn't say the advice in the book is easily actionable though. Best worked through alongside a therapist.
  • jgabinod
    5.0 out of 5 stars wow!
    Reviewed in Mexico on April 1, 2023
    The best book I have ever read!
    I was looking for literature, because I felt absent to my 3 year old child. And I accidently bought this book, that turns to be an excellent way to heal my children wounds.
    While Reading the book, I cried, i felt hopeless, but at the end I was able to understand my childhood.

    Its a great book, if you are in your way of healing your inner you.
  • sebnem ty
    5.0 out of 5 stars Good quality and content
    Reviewed in France on May 27, 2024
    The book has a very good quality of paper. The content is very interesting.
  • Astrid
    5.0 out of 5 stars Indringend boek
    Reviewed in the Netherlands on May 9, 2023
    Dit boek geeft een duidelijk beeld van de emotioneel afwezige moeder, de impact hiervan op het kind en wat je, op latere leeftijd, zelf kan doen om de schade (enigszins) te herstellen.
    Ik ben dankbaar, dat dit boek op mijn pad is gekomen. Het lezen ervan was af en toe confronterend en emotioneel, maar ik ben achteraf blij, dat ik het gedaan heb. Het heeft mijn ogen geopend.
  • Cliente Kindle
    5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing!
    Reviewed in Brazil on July 17, 2020
    This book has saved me! I cried a lot while recognizing my relationship with my mother in several of the descriptions. Most importantly, I've been going through a beautiful process of healing thanks to this book. It was painful at first, but deeply necessary. I did the proposed exercises and began to mother myself... I had no idea I needed it so bad! No wonder I have been so insecure, seeking validation and disguising my low self-esteem behind a façade of arrogance. Mothering myself is allowing me to get rid of all that self-imposed pressure. I truly recommend this book!