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Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection Hardcover – February 20, 2024
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“A winning combination of stories, studies, and guidance that might well transform the worst communicators you know into some of the best.”—Adam Grant, author of Think Again and Hidden Potential
ONE OF NPR’S BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR • FINALIST FOR THE SABEW BEST IN BUSINESS BOOK AWARD
Come inside a jury room as one juror leads a starkly divided room to consensus. Join a young CIA officer as he recruits a reluctant foreign agent. And sit with an accomplished surgeon as he tries, and fails, to convince yet another cancer patient to opt for the less risky course of treatment. In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg blends deep research and his trademark storytelling skills to show how we can all learn to identify and leverage the hidden layers that lurk beneath every conversation.
Communication is a superpower and the best communicators understand that whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of three conversations: practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do we feel?), and social (Who are we?). If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, you’re unlikely to connect.
Supercommunicators know the importance of recognizing—and then matching—each kind of conversation, and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held beliefs that color so much of what we say and how we listen. Our experiences, our values, our emotional lives—and how we see ourselves, and others—shape every discussion, from who will pick up the kids to how we want to be treated at work. In this book, you will learn why some people are able to make themselves heard, and to hear others, so clearly.
With his storytelling that takes us from the writers’ room of The Big Bang Theory to the couches of leading marriage counselors, Duhigg shows readers how to recognize these three conversations—and teaches us the tips and skills we need to navigate them more successfully.
In the end, he delivers a simple but powerful lesson: With the right tools, we can connect with anyone.
- Print length320 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherRandom House
- Publication dateFebruary 20, 2024
- Dimensions6.33 x 1.06 x 9.29 inches
- ISBN-100593243919
- ISBN-13978-0593243916
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From the Publisher
Editorial Reviews
Review
“Our personal and professional success depend upon our ability to understand and be understood, and yet we typically leave this up to intuition. In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg goes through a mountain of research—and some riveting stories—and unearths practical tactics to show that anyone can become a more effective listener, speaker, and even social media poster.”—David Epstein, bestselling author of Range and The Sports Gene
“This book stayed with me. I found myself thinking about how many questions I ask and how often I laugh in conversation. Given how much talking we all do, it’s amazing how little we understand. A much-needed guide to connecting in disconnected times.”—Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict
“Charles Duhigg does it again, with a book we all need to read. Using his unique mix of stories and science, he gives us Supercommunicators, a guide to better conversation and deeper human connection. If you want to improve your communication skills at work and in life, this book is the place the start.”—Arthur C. Brooks, professor, Harvard Kennedy School and Harvard Business School, and #1 New York Times bestselling author
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
The Matching Principle
How to Fail at Recruiting Spies
If Jim Lawler was being honest with himself, he had to admit that he was terrible at recruiting spies. So bad, in fact, that he spent most nights worrying about getting fired from the only job he had ever loved, a job he had landed two years earlier as a case officer for the Central Intelligence Agency.
It was 1982 and Lawler was thirty years old. He had joined the CIA after attending law school at the University of Texas, where he had gotten mediocre grades, and then cycling through a series of dull jobs. One day, unsure what to do with his life, he telephoned a CIA headhunter he had once met on campus. A job interview followed, then a polygraph test, then a dozen more interviews in various cities, and then a series of exams that seemed designed to ferret out everything Lawler didn’t know. (Who, he wondered, memorizes rugby world champions from the 1960s?)
Eventually, he made it to the final interview. Things weren’t looking good. His exam performances had been poor to middling. He had no overseas experience, no knowledge of foreign languages, no military service or special skills. Yet, the interviewer noted, Lawler had flown himself to Washington, D.C., for this interview on his own dime; had persisted through each test, even when it was clear he didn’t have the first clue how to answer most questions; had responded to every setback with what seemed like admirable, if misplaced, optimism. Why, the man asked, did he want to join the CIA so badly?
“I’ve wanted to do something important my entire life,” Lawler replied. He wanted to serve his country and “bring democracy to nations yearning for freedom.” Even as the words came out, he realized how ridiculous they sounded. Who says yearning in an interview? So he stopped, took a breath, and said the most honest thing he could think of: “My life feels empty,” he told the interviewer. “I want to be part of something meaningful.”
A week later the agency called to offer him a job. He accepted immediately and reported to Camp Peary—the Farm, as the agency’s training facility in Virginia is known—to be tutored in lock picking, dead drops, and covert surveillance.
The most surprising aspect of the Farm’s curriculum, however, was the agency’s devotion to the art of conversation. In his time there, Lawler learned that working for the CIA was essentially a communications job. A field officer’s mandate wasn’t slinking in shadows or whispering in parking lots; it was talking to people at parties, making friends in embassies, bonding with foreign officials in the hope that, someday, you might have a quiet chat about some critical piece of intelligence. Communication is so important that a summary of CIA training methods puts it right up front: “Find ways to connect,” it says. “A case officer’s goal should be to have a prospective agent come to believe, hopefully with good reason, that the case officer is one of the few people, perhaps the ONLY person, who truly understands him.”
Lawler finished spy school with high marks and was shipped off to Europe. His assignment was to establish rapport with foreign bureaucrats, cultivate friendships with embassy attachés, and develop other sources who might be willing to have candid conversations—and thereby, his bosses hoped, open channels for the kinds of discussions that make the world’s affairs a bit more manageable.
Lawler’s first few months abroad were miserable. He tried his best to blend in. He attended black-tie soirees and had drinks at bars near embassies. Nothing worked. There was a clerk from the Chinese delegation he met après-ski and repeatedly invited to lunch and cocktails. Eventually Lawler worked up the courage to inquire if his new friend, perhaps, wanted to earn some extra cash passing along gossip he heard inside his embassy? The man replied that his family was quite wealthy, thank you, and his bosses tended to execute people for things like that. He would pass.
Then there was a receptionist from the Soviet consulate who seemed promising until one of Lawler’s superiors took him aside and explained that she, in fact, worked for the KGB and was trying to recruit him.
Eventually, a career-saving opportunity appeared: A CIA colleague mentioned that a young woman from the Middle East, who worked in her country’s foreign ministry, was visiting the region. Yasmin was on vacation, the colleague explained, staying with a brother who had moved to Europe. A few days later, Lawler managed to “bump into” her at a restaurant. He introduced himself as an oil speculator. As they began talking, Yasmin mentioned that her brother was always busy, never available for sightseeing. She seemed lonely.
Lawler invited her to lunch the next day and asked about her life. Did she like her job? Was it hard living in a country that had recently undergone a conservative revolution? Yasmin confided that she hated the religious radicals who had come to power. She longed to move away, to live in Paris or New York, but for that she needed money, and it had taken months of saving just to afford this brief trip.
Lawler, sensing an opening, mentioned that his oil company was looking for a consultant. It was part-time work, he said, assignments she could do alongside her job at the foreign ministry. But he could offer her a signing bonus. “We ordered champagne and I thought she was going to start crying, she was so happy,” he told me.
After lunch, Lawler rushed back to the office to find his boss. Finally, he had recruited his first spy! “And he tells me, ‘Congratulations. Headquarters is gonna be overjoyed. Now you need to tell her you’re CIA and you’ll want information about her government.’ ” Lawler thought that was a terrible idea. If he was honest with Yasmin, she’d never speak to him again.
But his boss explained that it was unfair to ask someone to work for the CIA without being forthright. If Yasmin’s government ever found out, she would be jailed, possibly killed. She had to understand the risks.
So, Lawler continued meeting with Yasmin, and tried to find the right moment to reveal his true employer. She became increasingly candid as they spent more time together. She was ashamed that her government was shutting down newspapers and prohibiting free speech, she told him, and despised the bureaucrats who had made it illegal for women to study certain topics in college and had forced them to wear hijabs in public. When she first sought out a job with the government, she said, she had never imagined things would get this bad.
Lawler took this as a sign. One night, over dinner, he explained that he was not an oil speculator, but, rather, an American intelligence officer. He told her that the United States wanted the same things she did: To undermine her country’s theocracy, to weaken its leaders, to stop the repression of women. He apologized for lying about who he was, but the job offer was real. Would she consider working for the Central Intelligence Agency?
“As I talked, I watched her eyes get bigger and bigger, and she started gripping the tablecloth, and then shaking her head, no-no-no, and, when I finally stopped, she started crying, and I knew I was screwed,” Lawler told me. “She said they murdered people for that, and there was no way she could help.” There was nothing he could say to convince her to consider the idea. “All she wanted was to get away from me.”
Lawler went back to his boss with the bad news. “And he says, ‘I’ve already told everyone you recruited her! I told the division chief, and the chief of station, and they told D.C. Now you want me to tell them you can’t close the deal?’ ”
Lawler had no idea what to do next. “No amount of money or promises would have convinced her to take a suicidal risk,” he told me. The only possible way forward was convincing Yasmin that she could trust him, that he understood her and would protect her. But how do you do that? “They taught me, at the Farm, that to recruit someone, you have to convince them that you care about them, which means you have to actually care about them, which means you have to connect in some way. And I had no idea how to make that happen.”
How do we create a genuine connection with another person? How do we nudge someone, through a conversation, to take a risk, embrace an adventure, accept a job, or go on a date?
Let’s lower the stakes. What if you’re trying to bond with your boss, or get to know a new friend: How do you convince them to let down their guard? What should you say to show you’re listening?
Over the past few decades, as new methods for studying our behaviors and brains have emerged, these kinds of questions have driven researchers to examine nearly every aspect of communication. Scientists have scrutinized how our minds absorb information, and have found that connecting with others through speech is both more powerful, and more complicated, than we ever realized. How we communicate—the unconscious decisions we make as we speak and listen, the questions we ask and the vulnerabilities we expose, even our tone of voice—can influence who we trust, are persuaded by, and seek out as friends.
Product details
- Publisher : Random House (February 20, 2024)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 320 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0593243919
- ISBN-13 : 978-0593243916
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 6.33 x 1.06 x 9.29 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #626 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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EVERY CHAPTER! SO MANY post-it notes when I read this book
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About the author
My name is Charles Duhigg, and I'm a reporter for The New Yorker Magazine and the author of The Power of Habit, Smarter Faster Better, and Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection (coming out on February 20, 2024!)
While I worked at the New York Times, I won a Pulitzer Prize for a series about Apple named "The iEconomy". Before that, I wrote about the 2008 financial crisis, how companies take advantage of the elderly, and reported from Iraq. (For those and other articles, I won the National Journalism Award, the Investigative Reporters and Editors' Medal, the National Academies' reporting award and other recognitions.)
But let’s be honest, you aren’t visiting this page so I can brag about series and awards. (Unless you’re my mom. Hi mom!)
I’m also a native of New Mexico. I studied history at Yale and received an MBA from Harvard Business School. I now live in Santa Cruz, CA with my wife and two children and, before becoming a journalist, was a bike messenger in San Francisco for one terrifying day.
I would love to hear from you.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book insightful and accessible, with real-world examples and strategies. They describe it as a great read that is captivating from start to finish. The book masterfully delves into the nuances of effective communication and helps guide conversations about topics like religion, race, and politics. It illuminates the keys to fostering meaningful connections in today's fast-paced world.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book insightful and accessible. They appreciate the real-world examples and strategies that can be applied immediately. The case studies and anecdotes are a nice addition. Readers say the book tackles an intriguing and relevant topic, providing many ideas about how to improve communication skills. The concepts are well-organized and doable with results.
"...I’m so glad I picked this up and actually read it- its concepts are well put together and doable with results the people in your life will Notice-..." Read more
"Very informative, conversation guide. The take away being, most communicators are good listeners...." Read more
"...The Author gives us so many ideas about how to improve our communication skills at so many levels...." Read more
"...book doesn’t just theorize about communication; it provides real-world examples and strategies that I can apply immediately in my daily life...." Read more
Customers find the book engaging and easy to read. They say it's worth their time, with interesting ideas and data presented in an engaging way. The first third of the book is interesting, and readers recommend reading it multiple times.
"...Thinking Fadt and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, or this author’s other excellent books!..." Read more
"Very informative, conversation guide. The take away being, most communicators are good listeners...." Read more
"...The authors' passion for the subject shines through, making it an enjoyable read rather than a dry instructional manual...." Read more
"...Overall, I thought it was a decent book but felt like the last 25% brought down a very good first 3/4 of the book...." Read more
Customers find the book helpful in navigating conversations about religion, race, and politics. They say it illuminates the keys to fostering meaningful connections in today's fast-paced world. The book provides tips to use in all relationships and enhances persuasiveness.
"...Supercommunicators, includes excellent foundational ideas for great communication sprinkled with stories that stick to help you remember each idea...." Read more
"Very informative, conversation guide. The take away being, most communicators are good listeners...." Read more
"...In that sense, complex identities enable robust navigation of social connections, as in conversations about "Who Are We?"..." Read more
"...They emphasize the importance of empathy, active listening, and authenticity, which are all crucial elements in building meaningful connections...." Read more
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Wonderful book - full of practical advice!
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on October 25, 2024This book, Supercommunicators, includes excellent foundational ideas for great communication sprinkled with stories that stick to help you remember each idea. So I strongly recommend Supercommunicators as a gift for anyone, but especially graduation, acceptance into grad school, first job, parents returning to work after taking a break, work gift exchange, and book club friends. Supercommunicators would be a great gift paired with Mindwise by Nick Eppler, Thinking Fadt and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, or this author’s other excellent books!
I’m so glad I picked this up and actually read it- its concepts are well put together and doable with results the people in your life will Notice- right away. If you’re not a super communicator all the time- and who is, really, this book really can help you see how you can change the way you communicate so everyone gets more from your conversations everyday. For real.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 9, 2024Very informative, conversation guide. The take away being, most communicators are good listeners. By finding ways to connect to the conversation and person raising the quality of life for all. ~Jacques
- Reviewed in the United States on October 7, 2024I've used Supercommunicators as a framework for character arcs and conversations ("doing Duhigg" dialogs) in my latest stories.
One of my takeaways from Duhigg's book is that a healthy culture, a thriving society, nurtures complex personal identities. Some metaphors for such complexity are: layers, dimensions, degrees of freedom.
In Chapter 6, "Our Social Identities Shape Our Worlds," Duhigg discusses how "Social identities help us relate to others, but they can also perpetuate stereotypes and prejudice" (and confuse morality with social conformity).
Recognizing complex identities – all the multiple identities and roles in different parts of our lives – can free us from the stereotypes directed at ourselves and others.
(quote) The desire for belonging is at the core of the Who Are We? conversation, which occurs whenever we talk about our connections within society.
(quote) We can make the bad voices in our head less powerful by remembering all the other voices in there, too.
"Who Are We?" conversations can elicit better personal resiliency and social communication – "making our commonalities more salient."
But a narrow sense of identity can lock us into stereotypes and assumptions. With reduced autonomy and social disconnection (marginalized belongingness).
So, flattening of our identities is a hazard, particularly in oppressive and desperate circumstances. We can forget (or be deprived of) the layers of social connection which define us. Something which can be exploited. Shallow identities can be purposed easily. Outside voices in our heads can be introjected, even dehumanize us. We can make bad choices (even as choices are taken away). This can frustrate social cohesion.
Duhigg uses terms like shallow and deep for conversation and connection (belongingness). That sounds like a sense of layers to me (although I found no direct use of the term layers).
In discussing stereotypes and generalizations in Chapters 6 & 7, he uses the term dimension, as in we don't like being viewed as one-dimensional.
(quote) These generalizations take all of us – our unique perspectives and complicated identities – out of the conversation. They make us one-dimensional.
(quote) We all contain multiple selves; none of us are one-dimensional. It helps to be reminded of that.
So, that introduces the notion of dimensionality as a metaphor for complex identities.
Dimensions typically are introduced in classroom geometry as x, y, and z axes, as in the common measurements of length, width, and height.
Dimensions of identity might be visualized as axes for various roles and connections in our lives. For example, a horizontal axis for family, a vertical axis for work, and an axis pointing in & out for social groups. More axes can be used for additional identities and roles.
It's interesting that in various sciences, particularly physics & chemistry, dimensions may be characterized as "degrees of freedom" (a term not used by Duhigg). In that sense, complex identities enable robust navigation of social connections, as in conversations about "Who Are We?" And, perhaps, in a tangible manner, embody a deeper sense of freedom and resilience to stereotyping and oppression which seek to flatten – reduce or regress – our identities.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 13, 2024Clearly Communicating is one of our biggest challenges today, especially given the political situation and the divisiveness in our society. The Author gives us so many ideas about how to improve our communication skills at so many levels. This is a text that will help many generations meet their unmet communication gaps.
- Reviewed in the United States on June 11, 2024I recently heard about "Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection" on a podcast, and it intrigued me enough to make it the starting point of my reading journey. I couldn’t be happier with my choice!
From the very first chapter, this book has been a revelation. The authors delve into the art of effective communication in a way that is both insightful and practical. They break down complex concepts into easily digestible parts, making it perfect for someone like me who is just getting back into reading.
One of the standout features of "Supercommunicators" is its actionable advice. The book doesn’t just theorize about communication; it provides real-world examples and strategies that I can apply immediately in my daily life. Whether it’s at work, with family, or among friends, the tips and techniques have already started to make a noticeable difference in how I connect with others.
The writing style is engaging and relatable, keeping me hooked from page to page. The authors' passion for the subject shines through, making it an enjoyable read rather than a dry instructional manual. They emphasize the importance of empathy, active listening, and authenticity, which are all crucial elements in building meaningful connections.
What I love most about this book is its universal applicability. No matter your profession or personal background, "Supercommunicators" offers valuable insights that can help anyone become a better communicator. It’s empowering to realize that effective communication is a skill that can be learned and refined.
Overall, "Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection" has been a fantastic start to my reading journey. It’s a book that I know I’ll return to time and again for guidance and inspiration. If you’re looking to improve your communication skills and build stronger connections, this book is an absolute must-read!
Top reviews from other countries
- Hussain A.Reviewed in Canada on January 1, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars Very useful book on understanding communication
The contents of this book are based on three broad types of communication, or shall I say purposes of communication: what is this about, how we feel, and who are we. This book covers a variety of examples for each types of communication along with interesting stories and case studies. It's difficult to single out one such story. There were some familiar stories (like Netflix) and some new ones like the one about The Big Bang Theory show. I saw that show's first season in a very different light after reading that chapter.
I strongly recommend reading this to anyone but especially to those whose work depends on communication, i.e., leaders and managers.
- Mario CárdenasReviewed in Mexico on March 21, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars one of the best books I’ve ever read
For around a year end a half my readings have mainly focused on communication and psychology. This book summed and helped me with my understanding of those books and is really fun to read
- Enter NameReviewed in Germany on October 21, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Don’t know how to speak with people?
Read this book and it also helped an high functional autistic person to understand how emotional people can be reached by 😂😘
Thanks for sharing this with us.
- John BarleycornReviewed in the United Kingdom on May 15, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Persuasively readable!
Very readable, with clear references. Persuasion/Negotiation/Mediation - if these form part of your work or life, this book should prove helpful. I usially find the narrative, informal way of writing case studies to be annoying and "American" (not sure how many of these books start with a story about post 911 counter-terrorism, feels like a lot) - but here the message is clear, and the footnotes are transparent about how the "story" element has been presented. Is there such a thing as a "Supercommunicator"? I dont know - though sone people are damn good at what they do - and this book provides a lot of insights.
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A SamsonReviewed in the Netherlands on March 20, 2024
1.0 out of 5 stars Een verzameling open deuren en aannames
Ik voel me een beetje belazerd als ik dit boek lees. Dat je naar een ander moet luisteren als je goed wil communiceren (en dat moet laten merken door diens worden samen te vatten!), en dat iemand soms alleen wil klagen en niet per se op zoek is naar oplossingen, is ongeveer de mate van open deuren die de hele tijd opnieuw worden herhaald door Duhigg. Ook is hij (zoals veel Amerikanen) niet bang om superlatieven te gebruiken. Een experiment waarbij voor en tegenstanders van wapenbezit (in de VS) met elkaar in gesprek gingen, wordt “one of the most powerful” dingen genoemd die iemand ooit heeft meegemaakt. Maar na oeverloze uiteenzettingen (die kunnen worden samengevat als: gebruik ik-boodschappen, en eerst luisteren en dan samenvatten!) blijf je underwhelmed achter. Het goede gesprek dat ontstond omdat de deelnemers werd gevraagd om persoonlijke ervaringen te delen, was van korte duur want vervolgens ging iedereen “gewoon” weer online verder met elkaar nazi’s te noemen. Ook doet duhigg allerlei aannames (bijv. dat onze hersengolven alignen als we een goed gesprek voeren)(en dat in succesvolle huwelijken de partners niet elkaar proberen te beheersen maar zichzelf) en presenteert die als “bewezen door onderzoek”, maar als ik dit bespreek met vrienden die in deze velden werken, zeggen ze dat deze stellingen nog zeker niet voldoende bewezen zijn en vooral nog in het stadium van hypothesen zitten die worden onderzocht. Ook wordt zijn titel supercommunicators, niet waargemaakt. In het begin gaat hij kort in op het fenomeen dat sommige mensen supercommunicatieskills zouden hebben, maar dit verwatert direct en komt later niet meer terug. Al met al voelt dit boek als een verspilling van mijn tijd.