The Gift of Sex

Thomas Nelson

Chapter One

With our busy lifestyle there is little time for intimacy between my husband and me. When we do get together, we seem to lack the passion we both enjoyed before our children came along. Sex seems to have become rather perfunctory and infrequent. What can we do-what steps can we take-to get some spark back?

As you open this book to read about sex as a gift from God to be affirmed and enjoyed in marriage, you may be asking, "Is this book for me?" If you are a couple interested in learning all you can about the God-given gift of sexuality in order to enhance your sexual experience, this book is for you!

THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU ...

If You Desire Knowledge and Enrichment

When a young man and a young woman are experiencing the full flush of their love during those months just before marriage, they usually don't talk much about their sexual knowledge or experience. Rather, they hope and expect that the excitement, the joy, the delight they now experience with each other will carry over into their sexual relationship after marriage. Yet, without knowledge and deliberate preparation like what we offer in our book Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start (Word, 1994), many couples find they have difficulty transferring their premarital passion to their marriage. They have many questions about sex-questions that leave them perplexed. There is no easy, natural place to find the needed information. The Gift of Sex offers answers to your questions and provides information that is practical and will enrich your ongoing sex life as a couple. You will find your sex life will take on new delight as you read this book out loud together.

Our knowledge about sex and about each other is always in the process of discovery. Sex is not learned by observing others. We have not observed anyone else involved in this behavior. We have learned by reading, by talking, and by teaching each other as a couple. We are confident this book will help you in your search for knowledge and enrichment of your sexual life, resulting in the freedom to make your own discoveries in the process of learning.

If You Experience Uncertainty or Stress and Want to Avoid Sexual Difficulties

You may be unsure of yourself in the sexual act or experience stress about your sexual relationship. Stress or uncertainty does not diminish on its own. In fact, it is likely to increase if you are concerned about how you are functioning. So you may be looking for help to gain more confidence or to reduce stress and help to avoid difficulties.

One young woman was raised in the Midwest in a family that was very hesitant about anything sexual. She was convinced that all sexual feelings and responses were sinful, and so she shut down her own as a way to control her sexual actions until she married and was ready for a full sexual experience. She discovered, along with so many others, that the anxiety and tension about the sexual experience did not go away, and her feelings and responses did not automatically click on at the marriage altar. As she and her new husband began their married life together, she was anxious about how to function sexually, concerned about the various sexual activities, and preoccupied with her own lack of responsiveness. As she and her husband read The Gift of Sex together, talked about her hesitancies to be sexual, and applied what they were learning to their sexual experience, she began a process of affirming and releasing her feelings and responses.

If you experience tension or uncertainty about your sexual experience, this book can help you find ways to discover all the potential God intends for you in your married sex life.

If You Brought Sexual Blocks into Your Marriage

You may have specific sexual blocks or habits that hinder your sexual satisfaction. These blocks may impede your sexual activities or interest to the point that your life together is jeopardized. A young seminary student found he was seldom interested in sex even though he was clearly devoted to his wife. Deeply in love with her, he enjoyed every part of their life together but had little interest in any kind of sexual activity. He sought help because he believed that eventually his lack of sexual interest was going to damage the marriage, a concern that was certainly justified. Much in his past led him to this position.

Reading The Gift of Sex helped him gain a better understanding of what he had brought to marriage and gave him the tools he needed to seek help.

Couples raised in the church and living as committed Christians have heard and read many things describing the sanctity of marriage, as well as the beauty of the sexual experience and the concern that it not be misused. Some of these couples may have questions about the appropriateness of enjoying pleasure-enjoying their own bodies-from a biblical and Christian viewpoint. For a couple with this concern, we will point to the Bible's clear message validating sexual pleasure in marriage (see Chapter 4).

If You Are Looking for Newness and Enhancement

Couples whose sexual lives are happy and fulfilled are continually looking for ways to add new joy and delight to their sexual experience. We might compare them to people who are wonderful cooks. They have enough recipes and cooking concepts to keep them happy for years to come. Yet they are continually looking for new ways to put meals together, new ways to make sauces or desserts, new ways to enjoy creating delicious flavors. In the same way, couples who are satisfied in their married life, whether they have been married ten years or forty, are often looking for additional input, knowledge, insight, or awareness to add to their already full experience.

If You Want to Spark a "Ho-Hum" Relationship

Many couples do not experience much excitement in their sexual relationship. Even though everything is working well from a technical standpoint, their experiences are boring.

For the couple suffering from a "ho-hum" relationship, reading this book together will add a new spark. It provides suggestions for building an experimental, creative sexual lifestyle in your marriage.

If You Are Looking for Help with Problems

It is possible to have a stable foundation in a relationship and yet face sexual problems. There are many such difficulties: The man may ejaculate too quickly, not be interested, or have difficulty getting or keeping erections. The woman may experience pain, lack of interest, difficulties with arousal, or have problems letting go orgasmically. All such dilemmas get in the way of the sexual experience and usually cause people to pull away from each other as time goes on.

For some readers with technical difficulties, this book provides information that will help you work out problems yourselves; for others, it will help you define the problem so you can seek outside help.

If You Are Making a Last-Ditch Effort

You may be reading this book as a last-ditch effort to find the hope you are so desperately seeking. One couple told us they had purchased The Gift of Sex in an attempt to work things out sexually but failed to read the book. Finally, years later and at their point of despair, they started a process of reading together, talking about what they were reading, and experimenting with some of the suggestions. After twelve years of a good marriage, but a tension-filled sex life, they were able to talk about issues related to the shutdown of the wife's sexuality due to childhood abuse. Learning new information and talking about sexual conflicts helped them discover what was required to find the fulfillment they so deeply desired.

* * *

This book can provide needed information. It will also guide you through steps that intend to open communication and sharing so a process of mutual discovery and openness may be initiated in your relationship. We are writing for all those who seek to explore and discover together.

The following are three distinctive approaches to a healthy sexual experience that will be found throughout this book:

1. Responsibility with Freedom

We want to promote an attitude or mind-set of individual responsibility. As we see it, one of the biggest difficulties couples experience is that each partner feels responsible for the spouse's sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. This concern has grown somewhat naturally out of the correct emphasis on love, care, concern, and submission to one another. And yet, we have discovered that for many people a major barrier blocking their enjoyment of sex is the pressure or sense of obligation to provide the other with sexual satisfaction. If there are problems, many feel it is their responsibility to "fix" those problems-that it is their fault if the other person is having difficulty. For example, if the man is not able to respond with an erection as he would like, the wife may feel it is her responsibility to produce this response. If the woman is not satisfied, the man may feel it is his fault she is not experiencing release. So the emphasis throughout our writing and teaching is on each spouse's taking responsibility to identify, communicate, and ensure the best conditions for their sexual experiences rather than expecting one's partner to assume that responsibility. Each spouse obviously does his/her best to pleasure and stimulate in a way that is most pleasing. But we cannot be responsible for each other's emotional barriers, nor can we read each other's minds.

2. Integrated Biblical, Psychological, and Physical Knowledge

Our intention is to combine and integrate what we understand about traditional theology, generally accepted psychology, and physiological discoveries. We are confident that theological and biblical truths are not in conflict with psychological understanding; rather, the latter functions as an endorsement, confirmation, and amplification of the scriptural teaching. It is true that many new and contradictory theories emerge in current theology and popular psychology. But when we go back to the basics of the Bible and to the broadly accepted truths about human behavior and feelings, these do not contradict each other. We examine and describe the physical side of sex because it is important for us to accept and enjoy the full potential God has given us.

3. Embracing Individual Differences Brings Fulfillment

Although there are general principles that can be applied to enhance our sexual functioning as couples, there are also many ways in which each couple is unique. Each person is different-each woman is different from all other women, and each man is different from all other men. A person's feelings are different from day-to-day and even from moment-to-moment. What is satisfying and pleasurable at this moment may not be satisfying and pleasurable at another time. "Easy steps to success" is an approach that creates a sense of failure because couples do not achieve the sexual satisfaction and delights promised.

The search for deeper intimacy and sexual fulfillment must be multifaceted and incorporate the whole person. To focus only on the physical will not help a couple perform more skillfully or experience a more fulfilling response. To function in a physically accurate manner is important. But knowing all about the physical aspects of sex is not the total answer to a satisfying relationship any more than attending to the relational and spiritual without the physical will make the difference. Any time we focus on one dimension of the sexual relationship to the exclusion of the others, we lose something. For communication purposes, we deal with one dimension at a time; but when we bring our biblical understanding, psychological awareness, and physical skill into one total relationship experience, we discover the full joy and satisfaction that can be ours.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Gift of Sexby CLIFFORD PENNER JOYCE PENNER Copyright © 2007 by Clifford Penner . Excerpted by permission.
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