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I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One (A Compassionate Grief Recovery Book) Paperback – May 1, 2008
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The most helpful grief book to read when you're ready to start healing after the loss of a loved one.
Discover the transformative power of healing and hope with this top-rated grief book and compassionate guide for those navigating the challenging journey of grief and loss.
Written with profound wisdom and heartfelt empathy, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye gently walks readers through the stages of grief, providing practical tools and empowering strategies to cope with the pain and confusion that accompany the loss of a loved one.
Whether you've experienced the recent passing of a family member, friend, or even a pet, this book offers solace and guidance to help you navigate your unique grieving process.
Features include:
- Practical Guidance: Learn effective coping strategies and practical tools to navigate the grieving process.
- Empathy and Understanding: Feel understood and supported through heartfelt anecdotes and relatable experiences.
- Personal Growth: Find solace and meaning in your grief journey as you embark on a path of healing and personal growth.
- Comprehensive Resource: Access a comprehensive guide that addresses various aspects of grief, including anticipatory grief, sudden loss, and long-term complicated grief.
- Hope and Inspiration: Embrace a message of hope and inspiration, knowing that healing is possible even in the face of profound loss.
Whether you are at the beginning of your grief journey or further along the path, this book will help you find the strength to heal, honor your loved one's memory, and rediscover joy and purpose in your life.
Praise for I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye:
"I highly recommend this book, not only to the bereaved, but to friends and counselors as well."― Helen Fitzgerald, author of The Grieving Child, The Mourning Handbook, and The Grieving Teen
"This book, by women who have done their homework on grief... can hold a hand and comfort a soul through grief's wilderness. Outstanding references of where to see other help."― George C. Kandle, Pastoral Psychologist
"Finally, you have found a friend who can not only explain what has just occurred, but can take you by the hand and lead you to a place of healing and personal growth…this guide can help you survive and cope, but even more importantly... heal."― The Rebecca Review
"For those dealing with the loss of a loved one, or for those who want to help someone who is, this is a highly recommended read."―Midwest Book Review
Named a Best Book on Losing a Parent for 2022 by Choosing Therapy.
- Print length292 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherSourcebooks
- Publication dateMay 1, 2008
- Dimensions6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
- ISBN-109781402212215
- ISBN-13978-1402212215
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From the Publisher
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Editorial Reviews
About the Author
Brook Noel is a CEO, author, speaker, and mom. She has been featured in hundreds of shows and magazines, including ABC World News, CNN Headline News, and Fox & Friends. She is the author of Good Morning, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye, The Change Your Life Challenge, and other books. She lives in Wisconsin.
Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor in private practice in Hawthorne, New York.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Excerpt from Chapter Two: Notes for the First Few Weeks
"And people answered the phone for me.
And people cooked for me.
And people understood for me.
My dearest friends cared for me
when I didn't care."
- Wendy Feiereisen
At this moment, in the direct aftermath of losing someone tragically, there is so little anyone can say. We cannot find the words to offer you peace - though we wish it were a gift we could give you. We promise you now that we will give you everything we can to help you make your way through this. We will help you wind a path through the haze, the confusion, and the pain that is gripping at your core.
For the first few weeks, do not concern yourself with what you will do, where you will go, or what lies in the future. For now, we ask that you simply follow the guidelines in this chapter. There will be time to cope, to understand, to process - later. Right now, you simply need to take care of you.
Treat Yourself as if You Were in Intensive Care
You are in the process of going through one of the most traumatic experiences a person can endure. The challenges you have already faced, both physically and mentally, will leave you vulnerable, exhausted, and weak. It is imperative that you focus directly on yourself and on any dependents. Find ways to get your needs met first in these few weeks.
In the first week or so you will probably feel stunned and overwhelmed. You may also feel numb or hysterical. Your emotional system shuts down, providing temporary insulation from the full impact of your loss. You will go through the motions; it will look like you're coping well sometimes.
In her book, The Worst Loss, Barbara D. Rosof writes, "In shock you may be unable to move or speak coherently; people report that they cannot think. Shock responses may also be active and intense; you may have screamed, or run from the room, or physically attacked the bringer of the news. All of these behaviors are means of shutting down, or distancing yourself from a reality that you do not yet have a way to deal with. As you look back, your behavior may seem bizarre and totally out of character for you. Remember that your entire world had been knocked out from under you. You were in free fall, and your first task was to find any way to stop the fall."
When the funeral is over and your relatives and friends have gone home, the shock begins to wear off. It is important not to make any decisions that will have a lasting impact on your life (for example, sell the house, give away the person's belongings, etc.) while you are in shock.
Expect to Be Distracted
During the first few weeks, your mind will be filled with racing thoughts and unfamiliar emotions. Many people report having difficulty with simple tasks. Losing one's keys, forgetting where you are while driving, and sluggish reaction time are all commonly reported problems. With everything you are mentally and physically trying to process, it's normal to be distracted. Take special caution. Try to avoid driving and other activities where these symptoms may cause injury.
Have Someone Near You
If possible, choose a close friend to keep near you through the first week or two. Let this person help you make decisions, hear your fears or concerns, and be the shoulder for you to lean on. Give them a copy of this book. Later, as you move through the grieving process, it will be very helpful to have someone who has "been there" and understands thoroughly what you are talking about.
Accept the Help of Friends
Our energy is so depleted in the first few weeks after loss, it's hard to even ask for help. We have included a handout at the end of this chapter that can be photocopied freely and given to your inner circle of friends and relatives. You may be reluctant to do this, but please do. Even if we don't think we need people right now, we do indeed. Brook shares her story of friendship . . .
"When I lost my brother, my friend Sara was my anchor. I never asked her to come over that evening but as soon as she heard, she came (even though I told her there was nothing she could do). She simply sat next to me. Then she went upstairs and packed my bag for the upcoming week. She hugged me when I needed it and sat in the other room when I needed to be alone. To this day, her warm presence brings tears to my eyes. It was an extension of love and caring like few I have known."
If, like Brook, you are too grief-ridden to ask for help, simply show friends this book and let them read these few pages so they have an idea of what you need and how to support you. Friends want to help, but they rarely know how. The cycle of your grief will be more bearable when you hold the hand of a friend. Reach out. The following two entries summarize beautifully what those who face grief need from the people around them.
"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."
There it was . . . a simple
promise of connection.
The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.
Molly Fumia, Safe Passage
Needed: A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away.
I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow.
Fr. Joe Mahoney, Concerns of Police Survivors Newsletter
(This is excerpted from a beautiful book on grief titled Forever Remembered: Cherished messages of hope, love and comfort from courageous people who have lost a loved one. Compendium Publishing.)
Caring for Your Children
If you have small children, contact friends and relatives to help you care for them. Consider having someone stay with you for the specific task of caring for your children, since some children may be further traumatized by separation. In Chapter Nine we cover the specifics of children and grief. While it is human nature to want to help and care for others, we must understand at this trying time we will barely have enough energy to care for ourselves. Even if we want to help those around us, we won't have the resources. It's in our best interest to allow this time for our own grief.
Someone to Take Calls and Check Email
If the person who has died is of your immediate family, you will be receiving many phone calls, visitors, and cards. Have a friend come by to take messages, check emails, answer the door, and answer the phone. Most callers do not expect to speak directly with the family but simply wish to express their condolences. Have someone keep a notepad handy to record the names and messages of callers. Be forewarned, occasionally you may receive a strange call or a strange card.
Brook once took a message from a caller who offered condolences for the loss of her brother and then in a second breath requested a current picture of her daughter. Pam remembers a caller who said, "I'm sure George's death was easier for you, because you were divorced after all." These thoughts and comments are inappropriate and can be very hurtful, though the caller does not intend them to be. In our society, we just don't know how to handle grief and loss. People cope with grief differently - many people don't know how to cope at all. When you think of it, our world is geared toward gaining and acquiring; we have few lessons on how to handle loss. Occasionally people will ask a strange question or perhaps write a note in a card that seems a bit "out of place." Realize that this is not done to hurt you; these are just people who are inept at handling loss and the thought of loss.
Product details
- ASIN : 1402212216
- Publisher : Sourcebooks; Updated edition (May 1, 2008)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 292 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9781402212215
- ISBN-13 : 978-1402212215
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #5,494 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #11 in Sociology of Death (Books)
- #26 in Grief & Bereavement
- #26 in Love & Loss
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
Pamela D. Blair, PhD For complete info on all her books go to www.pamblairbooks.com
I am the author of many books on the topic of grief, parenting, cooking and self-improvement. My goal is to transform problems into possibilities through creative and practical ideas. I believe that we can find balance in an unbalanced world if we work at it diligently and with an open mind.
I maintain three free e-newsletters, Good Morning (a daily service), The Daily Rush (a recipe Monday-Friday) and The Challenge Weekly (a weekly personal challenge to improve your life.)
I have appeared on CNN, Fox Friends, ABC World News, and hundreds of other shows and stations as well as being named one of the 40 Most Influential Business People under age 40 by the Business Journal.
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When my mother passed away in my arms, I went straight back to this book.
Whenever I see someone struggling with the loss of a loved one regardless of how they passed, I gift a copy of this book to them in hopes they find comfort and peace like I did and still do.
After all dying isn’t the hard part, it’s the loved ones left behind whom have the hard part of living in without you.
Not just a bunch of sob stories like so many of the others. Intriguing short sections you can just jump straight to from the Table of Contents. Was like eating a bag of potato chips. Could not stop they were so perfectly of interest to me.
'Look inside' on my laptop for the paperback version shows the whole TOC. My mobile version did not, so you won't see what I mean unless you have your laptop, I guess. Anyhow, they also have some good recovery exercises to try in one of the latter chapters as well. All only about 250 pages! Seems like it would take more to have this much impact.
Top reviews from other countries
It is helpful because it lets you know that the feelings you have, they have had, you aren't going mad, its par for the course.
Helpful section on what you need to do if you have never faced a loss before and need to know who you have to notify and when.
Helpful section to copy out for friends and neighbours who may/may not like to disturb you. So you can let people know what you need and don't want. eg: Bring food and don't ask how I'm feeling etc.
There is advice on organisations that could help you and options for herbal and Bach remedies if you don't want to get stuck on prescription medications.
This book is like a good companion, that comes and sits with you in your darkest days, lets you cry, gives you tips on things that help and is just THERE when no one else is. There is enough from the authors about their experiences for you to associate with and can recognise what may be happening to you, without been too much and making you feel worse.
I also recommend the book: Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate And Spiritual Guide To Coping With Loss which has lots of practical ways of getting through the pain and easing it where possible. It helps you look at things in a different way, which really helps.
These two books have taught me its not something you can get over, around or avoid, you have to get through it, but you don't have to do it alone, take these two books with you on your journey through grief, they are very good companions.
This book is also helpful as it covers not just the loss of immediate partners but also other relationships too, the loss of a child, parent, sibling, close relative and also those lost to suicide or violent death. So it is a good companion for a wide range of situations.
If you are needing this book, I am sorry for your loss and hope this book helps you as it is helping me. May you find peace again one day, until you do, take one day at a time, or 10 minutes at a time, listen to your body and REST you need it.
This book is also useful for those helping another through a sudden bereavement.