“If you are struggling with issues of betrayal—or the challenge of whether and how to forgive—here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.” — Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

“Clear, insightful . . . a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.” — Publishers Weekly

“Finally a book has been written that teaches couples how to make genuine forgiveness a reality without rushing toward a superficial peace. This book can help couples construct a marriage that never existed before, one based on deep understanding and trust.” — John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure

“This book is a treasure—practical, authentic, illuminating, and wise. It’s like a breath of fresh air that puts forgiveness in a new and revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.” — Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People

“This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt in a personal relationship. Dr. Spring cuts through all the clichés surrounding forgiveness and views it within a broad spectrum of common relationships—mother-daughter, father-son, student-teacher, husband-wife. We owe her a debt of gratitude for this enlightened and penetrating view of a universal human dilemma.” — Peggy Papp, author of Couples on the Fault Line: New Directions for Therapists

“A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge. A clinically informed personal guide for the offender and the offended. How Can I Forgive You? should be read by us all.” — Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want

“Spring really shines. . . . Armed with her insights, offenders and those they’ve offended have hope of recovery.” — Bellingham Herald

Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives—without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness—one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.

This bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

• How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?
• When is forgiveness cheap?
• What is wrong with refusing to forgive?
• How can the offender earn forgiveness?
• How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?