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When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships Paperback – July 22, 2008

4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 433 ratings

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The popular author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships reveals how past trauma can negatively impact our present-day relationships—and offers guidance on what to do about it
 
We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances.
When the Past Is Present helps us to become more aware of the ways we slip into the past so that we can identify our emotional baggage and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs.

Drawing on decades of experience as a psychotherapist, Richo helps readers to:

• Understand how the wounds of childhood become exposed in adult relationships—and why this is a gift

• Identify and heal the emotional wounds we carry over from the past so that they won’t sabotage present-day relationships

• Recognize how strong attractions and aversions to people in the present can be signals of our own unfinished business

• Use mindfulness to stay in the present moment and cultivate authentic intimacy
 
Full of practical guidance,
When the Past is Present will teach you how to free yourself from old wounds and destructive behavioral partners so you can foster healthier, happier relationships.
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth. He is known for drawing on Buddhist thought, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work. He is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships and The Five Things We Cannot Change. He lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Shambhala; First Edition (July 22, 2008)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 159030571X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1590305713
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.99 x 0.6 x 8.99 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 433 ratings

About the author

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David Richo
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David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.

He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.

Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving and The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.

Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
433 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book helpful in understanding relationships and issues. They describe it as enlightening, valuable, and a great tool for personal growth. Readers enjoy reading the book and find it interesting. Opinions differ on the writing style - some find it well-written and easy to understand, while others consider it challenging and wordy.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

54 customers mention "Insight"51 positive3 negative

Customers find the book enlightening and helpful. It explains valuable concepts and makes sense of relationship issues. They say it helps them be more mindful in relationships and recognize their inner thoughts. The book provides spiritual teachings on every page.

"...some of your biggest fears/hang-ups and then offers some realistic ways to acknowledge these feelings and then how to deal with them so that they..." Read more

"...guide on how to free ourselves from our past, using the appropriate psychological terminology..." Read more

"...The information is so relevant and so eye opening and so helpful - it really is too bad the author didn't revise it one or two or more times to make..." Read more

"...This book is a quintessential gateway, the graduate course on how in our adult bodies we still are enacting personas and childhood protective..." Read more

38 customers mention "Readability"38 positive0 negative

Customers find the book engaging and well-written. They say it's a great read for anyone seeking to understand themselves better. Readers mention it's worth their time and that they read it in a few days.

"...This book exceeded all expectations. It spoke to me and to others I have shared it with in a meaningful way...." Read more

"This book is amazing. David Richo eloquently and succinctly takes the reader on a journey to psychological enlightenment...." Read more

"...However, if you're will to put the time into this book, it's well worth it - but be prepared to weight through it like you're on a scavenger hunt." Read more

"...I did not have a great family life growing up. This book is the BEST book I have ever read for helping me get past some of the things that have..." Read more

33 customers mention "Writing style"20 positive13 negative

Customers have different views on the writing style. Some find it clear and easy to understand, providing a sensitive guide on how to free ourselves from unconscious habits. Others find it challenging to read, wordy, and heavy reading with awkward sentences and haphazard editing.

"...I really liked it, and it was easy to follow...." Read more

"...It can be quite challenging to read - concentration is required, simply because he doesn't waste pages on following case studies, but gets straight..." Read more

"...IN very easy to understand language and tons of visible examples, you can begin to understand how you transfer unfinished emotional and..." Read more

"...I love the concepts presented in this book, mostly centered around the idea that we use new people to fill roles, as if our lives were a play, and..." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on August 28, 2024
    I had to read a relationship book for school. I chose this one and I felt that I could relate to many of the things the author was talking about. I really liked it, and it was easy to follow. I recommended it to other family members to help them with past trauma in relationships and moving forward.
  • Reviewed in the United States on May 6, 2014
    I'll admit that I'm a snob when it comes to books. Most self-help is too simplistic, dopey, or disingenuous to me. This book exceeded all expectations. It spoke to me and to others I have shared it with in a meaningful way. Richo has an authentic, informed voice and I never felt that his words were patronizing or at all condescending. I refer to the book often and find it useful for a number of scenarios. It's not a relationship book in the traditional sense. It's about how your earliest relationships inform your present-day relations be they with parents, partners, bosses, siblings, etc. There is no promise that three easy steps will cure you of all that hurts. It helps you to figure out the roots of some of your biggest fears/hang-ups and then offers some realistic ways to acknowledge these feelings and then how to deal with them so that they may no longer disrupt your life, leaving you feeling powerless and confused. Instead of trying to pretend that scars and fears are not there or promise us there is a way that these feelings will disappear, he helps you to see how you might live with them and respond to life's challenges with better self awareness. Ultimately, Richo's book encourages equanimity and balance. Do not deny what is in the past, but don't let it handicap you.
    19 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on August 18, 2011
    This book is amazing. David Richo eloquently and succinctly takes the reader on a journey to psychological enlightenment. The author provides a clear and sensitive guide on how to free ourselves from our past, using the appropriate psychological terminology (which can sometimes be absent from other books on the subject).
    It can be quite challenging to read - concentration is required, simply because he doesn't waste pages on following case studies, but gets straight to the core of the issue that he is discussing. Consequently, each page has revelations and insights to reflect upon. It is advisable to take it slowly so that the reader can gain the optimal benefits from each insight.
    Having read a number of books on this subject, including some of the most popular, I can honestly advise those who are serious about gaining emotional freedom to go straight to this book.
    24 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2017
    This book is immensely important for every single human being - it's just poorly written. And that's a real shame. The information is so relevant and so eye opening and so helpful - it really is too bad the author didn't revise it one or two or more times to make it more readable. Many people are not going to get through this book and that's too bad because it has so much to offer - but it's burred under awkward sentences and haphazard editing. Some of it even seems like the author's original notes that he didn't bother to put into finished chapters - but listed it all as bullet points instead.

    I hope someday the author will consider revising the edit and publishing a more polished version. However, if you're will to put the time into this book, it's well worth it - but be prepared to weight through it like you're on a scavenger hunt.
    42 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on February 24, 2023
    All of David Richo's books are powerhouse threshold crossings into true psycho spiritual freedom and fulfillment of the possibiity for us to finally become whole enough in ourselves and in our human relationships, so that we can finally consider how to be in right relationship with the miraculous living planet. And you can't begin that existential journey without first becoming emotionally, somatically and psychologically and relationally literate. This book is a quintessential gateway, the graduate course on how in our adult bodies we still are enacting personas and childhood protective strategies of our past where we were emotionally and psychologically and even physically wounded by our family's, religions, over culture. The betrayals and woundings of our early lives reeks havoc and harm in our friendships, partnerships - all our relationships as we come into our adult bodies.

    This is one of the best guide books on "transference" I have ever read. IN very easy to understand language and tons of visible examples, you can begin to understand how you transfer unfinished emotional and psychological attempts to resolve insecurities, harm, betrayals and insecure attachments onto current relattionships, that are really about relationship breeches in past transactions that weren't "closed", "completed", "healed" in the emotional body, physical body or psyche.

    Read it and read it again and begin the path of becoming an expert inner tracker into the landscape of your psyche. I love offering this book along with How To Become and Adult in Relationships and Shadow Dance also by Richo.
    7 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on October 30, 2013
    David Richo really knows what he's talking about. This book has been incredibly helpful to me, I've re-read each chapter a number of times. I think it really benefits from being used as a reference manual, there are so many layers in each chapter. It's packed full of insight .. in fact I finally gave up underlining because I was underlining practically everything on every page. Super helpful in understanding transference and the gigantic impact that it can have on our lives and relationships. Very serious concepts but the mood of the book is so supportive and uplifting, and makes you feel that these are things everyone has to deal with, rather than a weakness or failing in myself. I'm not a Buddhist but I find the spiritual component very generous and low-key. This is a book that has inspired me to keep trying to become my best self, even in the face of pain and difficulty.
    6 people found this helpful
    Report

Top reviews from other countries

  • Cliente Amazon
    5.0 out of 5 stars Richo is my guru!
    Reviewed in Italy on January 16, 2020
    I read many of Richo's books and well, guys this author is simply always to the point. Clear, profound, poetic and very realistic, each and everyone of us should have at least one of his helpful and meaningful books to live better.
  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Moustafa Eid, MD ... Psychiatrist
    Reviewed in Canada on December 30, 2016
    I have learned a lot out of this audio-book. It is full of great knowledge. The language is simple and really impressive. There is some redundancy at certain parts, but it is not a significant issue.

    Many thanks for Dr. David Richo; an amazing author.
  • Jo
    5.0 out of 5 stars We all need this book
    Reviewed in Australia on November 29, 2020
    If you know that there’s something that you can’t quite understand about yourself and you know that something is wrong but don’t really know what, this is the book. The author’s work here is second to none, I will definitely be looking into more of his books. Of all my years in the psychologists chair, not one of them mentioned transference. You won’t regret this purchase
  • Eduardo del Valle Pérez
    5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
    Reviewed in Spain on September 22, 2015
    This book shows us how transference operates in our lifes. As all the books I have read from David Richo it is full of common sense, wisdom and compassion. But most important is that it can help to see how transference works in our lifes and make use of this insight so that we can become free of its bounds. It has useful exercices. Thank you David for your wisdom and profesionality.
  • Carlton Brown
    5.0 out of 5 stars Well worth the read if you wish to transform cycles of the past which thwart relationship success and authentic intimacy!
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 25, 2015
    I highly recommend this book to those seeking to evolve an understanding of relationship success, and what we do to undermine that inherent potential. This book well integrates psychotherapy with the spiritual, personal with the transpersonal, and the individual with the collective, to show you a proactive way forward to profound personal healing, authentic intimacy and relationship success.

    It represents a wealth of information for understanding how childhood emotional wounds become exposed in our intimate relationships in adult life, via the process of “transference”. That is, how we transfer our “pasts to the present”, by unconsciously placing a parent’s, former partner’s or significant other’s “face” onto our current partner. This book helps us understand why we do this, and our inherent potential to seek resolution and healing of our childhood wounds via our intimate relationships. That revelation is mind opening in itself!

    This book shows how our parent or sibling relationship dynamics continue to influence our lives in the present, and that the big issues played out in relationships often relate to a lack of love in our childhood (father, mother or sibling). The author’s definition of love is practically helpful; that is giving attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing people to be their authentic selves. Just placing that on your relationship dashboard for daily mindful attention is help in itself.

    The author helps you understand that intimate relationships are in fact vesicles for profound personal healing (resolving unfinished business from childhood), evolving our consciousness, on our journey toward authentic intimacy and perhaps our spiritual awakening. You simply cannot begin to awaken until you undertake this healing journey. The great news is we have choices; we can awaken and do the grief work; i.e. address, process, resolve & integrate the transferred behavior(s), or stay stuck in the same patterns of behavior that sabotage our relationships.

    Some deep self-honesty is required if you are to get the most from this book, and you will likely need to re-read this a few times because it’s so rich in insight, concepts, and wisdom. David Richo’s expertise shines and his writing style flows. I found this book really helpful and I thank him for sharing his experience and insights. Well worth the read!