Every parent wants to equip their child with the necessary skills to succeed in school and life. In addition to intellectual skills, recent research highlights the importance of emotional intelligence. According to leading psychologist and researcher, Professor John Gottman, even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life. People who are aware of their own and others' emotions have qualitatively different experiences to those who do not. They have closer, more satisfying relationships, can manage the challenges of life, have better health and wellbeing, and are more likely to achieve their goals.
In today's society, however, it seems that we have stopped listening to our own and others' emotions. Feelings are often suppressed rather than expressed and empathy for others is frequently lacking. This can come at considerable cost. Of course we need to strike a balance between being attuned to feelings and being able to safely express them, while also not being so overwhelmed by emotions that they significantly interfere with life. This balance is part of optimal emotional intelligence.
In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, John Gottman identifies 4 common parenting styles:
Dismissing: This parent may be warm and loving, but the strength of their child's feelings is not acknowledged. They send the message that their child's emotions aren't important.
Disapproving: This parent sends the message that certain feelings (especially negative ones) are not acceptable.
Laissez-Faire: These parents acknowledge their child's feelings but do not offer guidance or help their child to resolve problems.
Emotion Coaching: These parents show empathy for their child's internal experience. They use emotions as an opportunity to connect with their child, help them to express their feelings safely and resolve conflict. The emotionally intelligent child has empathy for himself and others, enjoys increased self-confidence and physical health, better performance in school, is more able to deal with stress, and has healthier social relationships.
Emotion coaching helps children understand the different emotions they experience, why they occur, and how to handle them. It involves acknowledging their feelings, listening without judgment, helping them to understand and regulate their emotions and, where necessary, seek solutions. When parents offer empathy and help to cope with negative feelings, children feel loved, respected, supported and valued. Although emotion coaching parents set limits, their children learn to behave according to family standards. Compliance and responsibility come from a sense of love, respect and empathy within the family. In this way, emotional connectedness within the family becomes the foundation for instilling values & raising moral young people.
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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting
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Do yourself, your children and even your marriage a favor & read this book!
I listened to the audiobook version during a long road trip and I highly recommend it! The author goes to great lengths in order to truly help the reader (aka Parent) understand, grasp and utilize the information and techniques he expresses. I found the anecdotal narratives to be super helpful! The book also helped me to see how my own childhood was directly impacting how I parent my children (25,18,9 & 8).Some have complained about his explanations of both divorced families and the importance of a Father as being critical and even sidestepping the importance of the Mother. I strongly disagree. I am a child of divorce, with a mostly absent (as far as child rearing) Father and felt no condemnation but rather a great deal of understanding of the impact these circumstances had on my upbringing. It’s hard to swallow, but the truth often can be.I found this book to be hopeful and encouraging and would highly recommend it. Especially for parents who feel like they need a “restart”!
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- Martin NealReviewed in Germany on October 7, 2015
Just what every Parent should read.
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Best child-rearing book I've read!
