saved me grief and kept me from causing others grief. Dare to Lead is for everyone, not just professional leaders, because everything in this book applies to families and other groups. As Brené states, “I define a leader as anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.” In fact, Dare to Lead would be a wonderful resource or curriculum for a required high school class. There is SO much incredible insight, wisdom, and advice that my brain is tired, and it’s been havoc on my tear ducts multiple times.
We all belong to groups, whether it’s at work, in social and community groups or clubs, etc., as members or leaders. And while this book is primarily aimed at leaders in the workplace, any group member would benefit from this knowledge and advice. Over the years, my groups have included my family of origin, my family from marriage, educational groups, event groups, competitive groups, etc. I have always been a good worker, boss, teacher, and leader of different groups. But “good” leaves a lot of leeway for the fact that a few times I have really screwed up in the very ways that Brené discusses. I look back and there were times that my perfectionism, my black-and-white rule-following, and my tendency to sometimes rush to judgement really hurt people. Not to mention, my shame affected my leadership.
As I read Dare to Lead, I kept flashing to situations in my past and a couple of people I would really like to go back apologize to, one lady in particular. (Well, really, I want to travel back in time and not screw up to begin with, but sadly that’s just a fantasy.) A bit of background: I was raised in a very abusive family, physically and emotionally. My family of origin’s modus operandi was to judge, criticize, and belittle each member constantly. Mistakes and weaknesses were never forgiven, but held up, mocked, and laughed about over and over, on top of physical and emotional abuse.
Armed with self-help books (yes, my family mocks my reliance on self-help books) and therapy, I determined to leave all that behind and become a “normal” person very different from my parents. But sometimes that background messes with my current life. (As Brené says: “What’s perhaps most insidious in power over dynamics is that those who are powerless typically repeat the same behavior when the tables are turned and they are promoted into power.” I would add, sometimes against our best intentions.)
There was a time that my insecurity in running a large group led me to take a friend’s reported actions as betrayal. The resulting emotional backlash caused me to handle the situation so badly that I ended up being judgmental and majorly unkind to my friend to such a degree that the title “friend” no longer applies. I should have known better; I should have acted better. It wasn’t just that I hurt my reputation, interfered with how well the group was functioning, looked unprofessional to a hosting facility… The absolutely worst part was that I hurt another person - an innocent person. I broke every tenet I had set for my life because I didn’t take the time to step back and to be a good leader; I just reacted. I went right into shame and blame because I had such an inner fear of being disrespected and betrayed. As a consequence, I disrespected and betrayed my friend by treating her unkindly.
In addition, I almost shut down a service that was helping over 1,000 families over the incident. I let fear rule my actions (“I don’t do vulnerability”) and cut my helpers loose (“I can go it alone”). I curtailed offerings and cancelled events. I had listened to and internalized comments from critics as they touched upon the worthlessness instilled by my parents and siblings. (Many people are eager to criticize, and it takes wisdom and practice to let go of unhelpful criticism and use the helpful input for growth.) My actions influenced some members to take sides in a group that shouldn’t have had “sides.” (“Increased polarization, rampant dehumanization of people who are different from us, and our growing inability to ditch the echo chambers for real critical thinking.”) After working alone for another year or so, I handed off the group to a team of ladies that I knew would do a better job than I was doing.
I believe if I had read Dare to Lead first, I would have had the tools in place to respond appropriately in a way that would have fostered group cohesion, eliminated problems, and just generally been a better leader for my group. In addition, I ponder Brené’s adage that the “courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it’s about the courage to show up when you can’t predict or control the outcome.” I’ve considered going back and apologizing to my ex-friend many times, but I’ve always been afraid that it would simply set off more negativity. But it was my lack of judgement and responding with emotions from my past that caused the rift, and I’d like her to know that I take full responsibility for that. Is it too late to go back and tell this person how badly I feel about being a leader who truly mishandled the situation? Would it make a difference to her?
I plan to reread this life-changing book with my husband and daughter, both IT professionals, so they can learn from it while I benefit from the review. Dare to Lead contains wisdom to guide leaders who want to nurture safe and effective work groups. It can also benefit leaders and members of any other groups or teams, whether for a sport, church, political group, competitive team, etc. Dare to Lead would also be a great resource for members to use to kindly hold leaders accountable. There is no downside to taking this entire book in as heart knowledge and incorporating it into our lives. And the upside is that we will not only improve the quality of our own lives, but the lives of those we interact with.
Highly recommended for the universe at large. This is the first book I’ve read by Brené Brown; I’ll definitely be reading more!
Edited for clarity.
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Popular Highlights in this book
Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.Highlighted by 18,557 Kindle readers- I define a leader as anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.Highlighted by 17,060 Kindle readers
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From the Publisher
Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts.
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| Atlas of the Heart | Rising Strong | Braving the Wilderness | The Gifts of Imperfection: 10th Anniversary Edition | |
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| Price | $18.67 | $9.41 | $9.47 | $8.92 |
| BrenéBrown writes, “If we want to find the way back to ourselves and one another, we need language and the grounded confidence to both tell our stories and be stewards of the stories that we hear. This is the framework for meaningful connection.” | Living a brave life is not always easy: We are, inevitably, going to stumble and fall. It is the rise from falling that Brown takes as her subject in Rising Strong. | A timely and important book that challenges everything we think we know about cultivating true belonging in our communities, organizations, and culture. | In hardcover for the first time, this tenth-anniversary edition of the game-changing bookfeatures a new foreword and brand-new tools to make the work your own. |
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Reviews with images
Eh…nothing new here.
My entire team was asked to read this book over the course of the summer to learn how to have tough conversations and be vulnerable. Everyone, including our executives and managers, were asked to read the book and reflect weekly in small group sessions. In a sense, this was nice because now everyone speaks the same language of the book and saying things like "let's rumble" has meaning. However, I haven't actually seen it being used as the starter for a serious conversation.I starting reading this book with some reservations. I've read many leadership books and taken many classes on the topic over the course of my career. Most of them promote the same leadership philosophies, but worded a bit differently. I wasn't sure that I would learn anything new, but I read it anyways and went into it with an open mind.I just finished the book a few days ago and I can't honestly say that I learned anything new. There were a few passages that resonated with me because I had been through those experiences before, as someone on the receiving end of gaslighting or shaming behavior. I've been on the giving end too, unfortunately, but this book doesn't provide very practical examples for getting away from that behavior. She essentially says that there are less harsh ways to convey "honest" feedback that aren't so hurtful and to think more carefully about what you're saying. Recognize your own emotions instead of putting the blame on someone else. Easy to say, difficult to do.The examples that she gives are too perfect in the sense that she acknowledges a challenge she faced, but would have a conversation about it and everything would be resolved. I would have preferred if she showed more vulnerability by also discussing when she followed all the principles and things didn't work out, because humans are unpredictable even if you do everything by the book. It's also too easy to fall back into old habits. Brene mentions a direct report who was upset with her because she kept showing up late to 1-on-1 meetings or rescheduling due to client meetings, which made the employee feel like not a priority. This was resolved by pushing the 1-on-1 back 15 minutes, and all was right in the world again. Whereas in my mind (and experience), I just lost 15 minutes of time with my boss and if a client needed to meet during my 1-on-1 time, I’m sure I’d still be deprioritized.Overall, I'd say this book is pretty average when it comes to leadership books. I thought there were too many lists and bullet points within the book, which breaks the flow and makes it difficult to stay engaged. The principles and lists may be good for someone early in career or for people who haven't been through a plethora of leadership training.
