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The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family Paperback – April 22, 2007
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--Library Journal (starred review)"
"A tremendous resource for parents and professionals alike."
--Thomas Atwood, president and CEO, National Council for Adoption
"The Connected Child provides the parents of adopted at risk children easy to follow practical advice on how to handle behavior problems in a calm, gentle, effective manner."
--Temple Grandin, Author, The Way I See It, The Autistic Brain
The adoption of a child is always a joyous moment in the life of a family. Some adoptions, though, present unique challenges. Welcoming these children into your family--and addressing their special needs--requires care, consideration, and compassion.
Written by two research psychologists specializing in adoption and attachment, The Connected Child will help you:
- Build bonds of affection and trust with your adopted child
- Effectively deal with any learning or behavioral disorders
- Discipline your child with love without making him or her feel threatened
--Carol S. Kranowitz, author of The Out-of-Sync Child
"Drs. Purvis and Cross have thrown a life preserver not only to those just entering uncharted waters, but also to those struggling to stay afloat."
--Kathleen E. Morris, editor of S. I. Focus magazine
"Truly an exceptional, innovative work . . . compassionate, accessible, and founded on a breadth of scientific knowledge and clinical expertise."
--Susan Livingston Smith, program director, Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
"The Connected Child is the literary equivalent of an airline oxygen mask and instructions: place the mask over your own face first, then over the nose of your child. This book first assists the parent, saying, in effect, 'Calm down, you're not the first mom or dad in the world to face this hurdle, breathe deeply, then follow these simple steps.' The sense of not facing these issues alone--the relief that your child's behavior is not off the charts--is hugely comforting. Other children have behaved this way; other parents have responded thusly; welcome to the community of therapeutic and joyful adoptive families."
--Melissa Fay Greene, author of There is No Me Without You: One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Africa's Children
- Print length264 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherMcGraw Hill
- Publication dateApril 22, 2007
- Dimensions5.9 x 0.6 x 8.9 inches
- ISBN-100071475001
- ISBN-13978-0071475006
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McGraw-Hill authors represent the leading experts in their fields and are dedicated to improving the lives, careers, and interests of readers worldwide
McGraw-Hill authors represent the leading experts in their fields and are dedicated to improving the lives, careers, and interests of readers worldwide
Dr. Karyn Purvis was the Rees-Jones Director and co-founder of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, TX., the co-creator of Trust-Based Relational Intervention, and a passionate and effective advocate for children. She coined the term “children from hard places” to describe the children she loved and served, those who have suffered trauma, abuse, neglect or other adverse conditions early in life. Her research-based philosophy for healing harmed children centered on earning trust and building deep emotional connections to anchor and empower them.
Dr. David Cross is the Rees-Jones Director of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development and a Professor in the TCU Department of Psychology. Dr. Cross leads the Institute in its triple mission of research, education and outreach to improve the lives of children who have experienced abuse, neglect, and/or trauma. He has authored many peer-reviewed publications about issues regarding at-risk children and co-created Trust-Based Relational Intervention, a holistic, attachment based, trauma-informed, and evidence-based intervention for children who have experienced relational trauma.
Wendy Lyons Sunshine is an award-winning journalist.
From the Publisher
Karyn B. Purvis, Ph.D., is the director at Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development, which hosts the Adoption Project and its Hope Connection camp.
David R. Cross, Ph.D., is the associate director of the Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development and a professor in TCU's psychology department.
Wendy Lyons Sunshine is an award-winning journalist.
About the Author
Karyn B. Purvis, Ph.D., is the director at Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development, which hosts the Adoption Project and its Hope Connection camp.
David R. Cross, Ph.D., is the associate director of the Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development and a professor in TCU's psychology department.
Wendy Lyons Sunshine is an award-winning journalist.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
The Connected Child
Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive FamilyBy Karyn B. Purvis David R. Cross Wendy Lyons SunshineMcGraw-Hill
Copyright © 2007 Karyn Brand Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons SunshineAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-07-147500-6
Contents
Chapter One
Hope and HealingParents who come to us for help often admit they're nearing the end of their ropes. The young child they brought home with high hopes remains somehow disconnected from the family—responding in odd or troubling ways to ordinary social situations, refusing affection, even lashing out and controlling the family through rage and tantrums. These parents have tried time-outs and punishments, and they've tried medications. But nothing seems to really help. Frustrated, they take the little one to specialists, pursue all kinds of solutions, and while their son or daughter may show some degree of improvement, family life remains more of a trial than a joy.
The good news is that there's real hope for a better way. As research psychologists who specialize in child development, we have been delighted to watch adopted children and their families make tremendous gains once they begin using the philosophy and techniques outlined in this book. When parents really begin to understand this approach and put these methods into practice, they soon glow with delight at their blossoming child and newly connected family. It gives us great joy to see a new light sparkling in the eyes of mothers and fathers who were once disheartened.
What stood in the way before? Part of the problem was the conventional wisdom about troubled children. Here's an example. Imagine you've been invited to a friend's house for a snack of brownies. When you get there you find flour, milk, eggs, sugar, and cocoa each sitting in a separate dish. Your host says that you need to dip a finger into each dish and then put all of those ingredients on your tongue and together that gives you a brownie. Sounds silly, right? Yet that's the same type of piecemeal and disconnected approach traditionally used for diagnosing and treating at-risk children.
Too often, parents and experts look at behavioral disorders as if they existed separate from sensory impairments; separate from attention difficulties; separate from early childhood deprivation, neurological damage, attachment disorders, posttraumatic stress; and so on. We take a more holistic approach, because we know from a wealth of scientific research that a baby's neurological, physical, behavioral, and relational skills all develop and emerge together. An infant needs more than just food and water and a roof over his or her head to grow; he or she needs close physical human contact and social interactions to develop optimally. Unfortunately, adopted children can miss out on having all their earliest needs met before they go home with their new families.
Deprivation and harm suffered early in life impact all the ways that a child develops—coordination, ability to learn, social skills, size, and even the neurochemical pathways in the brain. These consequences can linger years after a child has left a life of hardship. That's why formerly neglected and abused children are predisposed to such problems as attachment difficulties, conduct disorder, depression, anxiety, attention deficits, learning disabilities, and more.
For example:
• A baby is born to a birth mother who abused alcohol during the baby's formative weeks. Even though the infant is adopted at birth and looks normal, he suffers subtle thinking and neurological impairments that reduce his ability to process language and to learn. As he grows up, his weak language skills and slowed comprehension cause him to misinterpret parental instructions or give peculiar responses. This behavior gets misinterpreted as uncooperative and defiant by adults, who punish him. Fearfulness now interferes with his higher brain functioning, making it even harder for him to learn or to connect with his parents.
• A two-year-old is adopted from an orphanage where she was underfed, under-touched, and neglected. From lack of stimulation, her senses have not developed normally. In her new adoptive home, she is bombarded by unfamiliar sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and physical sensations, and she is bewildered by the social expectations in the unfamiliar environment. Her impoverished early life makes it impossible for her to keep up, and she becomes overwhelmed with stress and frustration. She expresses herself the only way she knows how—through tantrums and aggressiveness. Confused and troubled by her wild behavior, adults scold and send her to her room, where isolation makes it even harder for her to develop sensory skills or form close emotional bonds with the family.
As much as we might wish for a quick answer, no single treatment works perfectly with all at-risk children. However, through our own research with families during the past ten years, we know that a multidisciplinary approach can help many youngsters transform into happier, well-adjusted family members who are a delight to their parents. The key is to treat the whole child, with all his or her interrelated needs, not just one small aspect of behavior or illness. For the best results, you need to:
• Disarm your child's fear response.
• Establish clear and sensitive parental authority.
• Provide a sensory-rich environment.
• Teach appropriate social skills.
• Support healthy brain chemistry.
• Help your child connect with his or her own feelings.
• Forge a strong emotional bond between you and your child.
These healing elements combine to reduce the multiple effects of harm—whether the cause was an unhealthy prenatal or postnatal environment, malnutrition, impoverished caretaking, or abuse. These healing elements can even activate attachment skills, trigger learning breakthroughs, and promote physical growth. Children with the greatest developmental challenges make the most progress in a sensory-rich, nurturing-rich environment. By providing this—along with love, guidance, and acceptance—you can help overcome a legacy of maltreatment and become an effective healer for your own child. However, the burden is on you to actively reach out to where your child is now and coach and guide him or her toward healing.
Effective coaching and parenting of an at-risk child, as explained in this book, is multidisciplinary and ongoing. It involves building EQ (emotional intelligence) as well as IQ (intellectual mastery). It supports your child's senses and physiology along with his or her psychology. It means helping your child get in touch with his own feelings as well as his needs, emotions, hunger, pain, and fear—so that he can then connect comfortably with the world around him and you. It means teaching your child communication skills and coping mechanisms, so she can succeed in life. It means demonstrating that you are in charge, yet sensitive to your child's needs. This book contains practical techniques designed to help you and your child achieve these goals.
Our multilayered approach has benefited an enormous range of youngsters—from a three-year-old who was adopted at birth with cocaine and alcohol in her system to a violent sixteen-year-old who spent her first twelve years in a brutal orphanage environment. This approach helps children regardless of age, development level, or whether they're lightly or severely impaired. It works in the home environment, the summer camp environment, the school environment, and residential treatment facilities.
If, out of fear or embarrassment in admitting there is a problem, you wait too long to take corrective action with your child, you risk becoming too depleted and worn-out to be effective when you finally do take action. Parents can "pay now" by making changes in how they deal with their struggling child, or they can pay later—but when they wait, interest on the payment is steep, because dysfunctional habits have become deeply entrenched. Since you are reading this book, we know you want your child to enjoy as soon as possible the benefits of functioning effectively, happily, and lovingly within your family.
In later chapters, we will explain how a healthy child develops, where your little one may have missed out, and how you can help fill in those gaps. But first we'd like to highlight a few more fundamentals of our philosophy.
Compassion as Your Touchstone
We'd like you to visualize a scene: Imagine that you raised your own healthy biological child in a loving home until he was four. Then somebody kidnapped him and you didn't know if he was dead or alive for three long years.
During those years, your baby boy was starved and abused. When he is finally, mercifully, returned to you at the age of seven, he is more like a wild and frightened animal than the curious and playful little boy you knew. Grateful to have him back and sensitive to his suffering, you focus on doing whatever he needs to heal from his trauma. You don't take him to the amusement park on his first day home, or bundle him off to day care within a week. You know that he needs weeks and months of daily nurturing and retraining to comfort, guide, and heal him from that harmful experience.
Although the scenario we've described may sound extreme, adopted and foster children deserve similar compassion. The lives that many of them have endured were more difficult than we can fathom. With compassion, you can look inside your child's heart and recognize the impairments and deep fear that drive maladaptive behavior—fears of abandonment, hunger, being in an unfamiliar environment, losing control, and being hurt. Compassion helps us to have more realistic expectations and understand that a child isn't necessarily being willful or belligerent—he is just trying to survive the best he can within his mental limitations and social understanding.
Compassion will help you be tolerant of a child's deep neediness, and to be forgiving when he or she doesn't understand something that seems so basic, like how to sit at a dining room table with a family, how to use toilet paper, or how to read people's facial expressions. Compassion will help you forgive a child for being manipulative, because you understand that before she came to your family she had to survive by her wits, and manipulation is a learned survival technique. Keeping compassion as our reference point encourages us to have the patience and stamina to keep trying on the toughest days.
Deep down, these children want desperately to connect and succeed but don't understand how. As parents, it's our job to show them.
A Bridge to the World
When an infant is born with a condition such as cerebral palsy, the mother can be ferocious in getting care for her child. It is that child and her mother against the world; they are a team. The parents know that the child's issues are not a personal assault on them—the child certainly didn't intend to be palsied.
But with children who suffered prenatal or early trauma before adoption, those lines get blurred. This child won't look obviously disabled or impaired, so his disruptive behaviors can feel like an assault. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. The harmed or impaired child either "acts out" (by screaming, spitting, biting, hitting, or lying) or "acts in" (by withdrawing, hiding, running away, getting depressed and sullen, or becoming unresponsive). Some children actually do both, at different times. You might retaliate with punishments or isolation, and then your child re-experiences her original abandonment, rejection, and loneliness all over again. She feels trapped and continues to make poor choices.
At-risk children can easily feel alienated and cornered, alone against the world. Feeling that way, it is almost guaranteed that they will come out fighting, manipulating, or fleeing. Then, the only adult attention they receive is endless scolding and punishment. Soon this dysfunctional dynamic becomes a habit, and the children learn to seek familiar and available attention by acting out. What a scary and miserable way to live!
You have a unique opportunity to change that scenario by building a bridge to the world for your at-risk adoptive children. You and the rest of your family can become a safe haven and an ally, eager to share their concerns.
We encourage you to have the mind-set that it's you and your child facing the world, ready to resolve whatever problems arise. Convey your deep alliance not only in words, but through body language, posture, and voice. We suggest you look in the mirror, and ask yourself: Am I shaking my finger at her? Is my jaw set and are my hands on my hips in an aggressive posture? What message is my child taking at the primitive level? Is it the child against me—or is it her and me together?
We have watched children and their families make tremendous progress in surprisingly short periods of time, but sustaining those gains takes commitment and a fundamental shift in parents' perspective. Instead of seeing yourself as the victim of a pint-sized terrorist, begin seeing your role as a compassionate, nurturing guide and ally for your little one. Respect and honor the child's needs, even when you don't entirely understand what drives them.
We never accept hurtful or wild behavior from a child—but we also do not punish, reject, or bribe because those strategies don't build long-term success. Instead, we calmly and firmly interrupt bad behavior, identify the need that drives this behavior, show the child how to achieve his or her goals appropriately, and then praise the child for doing so.
Once you see yourself in this role of mentor, encourager, and protector, days become filled with opportunities—opportunities to show your child how to correct his mistakes, to practice doing the right thing, to communicate needs with words instead of behavior, and to get positive feedback for his efforts. As you help your child build social skills and feel safe in this world, you earn his deep trust. When your child feels truly safe, doors swing open to positive change.
Observe Closely
You can pick up a great many insights about what a child needs and what's behind outbursts simply by observing. Small details of body language and behavior will convey a message that the child is unable to speak directly.
Here are two examples:
• Your son clenches his hands in tight fists and his eyes glaze over when you leave him at school. You deduce that he is tense and on high alert because he desperately fears the separation and new environment. Armed with this information, you can take steps to help him feel safer and more comfortable in the new environment.
• Your little girl is doing fine until the preschool teacher distributes clay, at which point your child refuses to participate or becomes aggressive. Recalling that she also had unexpected reactions to soft soap and other tactile experiences, you suspect your daughter has a sensory processing disorder called tactile defensiveness. The soft squishy feeling between her fingers is foreign and distressing to her. Armed with this information, you seek out ways to help her cope with these foreign and scary sensations.
Make a study of watching your child's body language diagnostically, particularly for signs of fear, indications of sensory processing dysfunction, and even subtle signs of undiagnosed seizure activity. Ask yourself: What calms my child? What sets him or her off? Does he seek touch, or avoid it? Is she responding positively to a certain sound, or does she dread it? What is my child's body language communicating?
Start the healing process by keeping a journal of your child's daily activities and behavior, marking down routine events along with the behavior that accompanies these events. After about a week or two of journaling, parents find that patterns emerge.
Commonly, difficulties arise at transition times and during group or unstructured activities. Some examples are at school drop-offs, when a friend leaves, when a parent's plans change unexpectedly, at birthday parties, at amusement parks full of people, and even when asking a child to stop playing a game and come to dinner. Your behavior log can help you identify circumstances that are most stressful or challenging for your child. Armed with that information, you will be able to choose strategies to help your child more effectively deal with these situations.
Support Healthy Brain Chemistry
As a direct result of their early deprivation, adopted and foster children often have suboptimal brain chemistry. This can remain true even after a child has lived in an adoptive home for many years.
As part of your approach to healing, you always want to bolster and support healthy brain functioning. Prescription psychiatric medication is just one option. There are also lifestyle options, such as practicing healthy eating habits that keep blood sugar levels stable, since a run-down and hungry child's brain can't work optimally. We've found that just by helping a child to feel safer, less stressed, and more equipped to successfully navigate the world we can improve the child's brain health. Emotional and physical well-being are linked with effective brain functioning, and vice versa. We'll provide more information on these issues in the following chapters.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Connected Childby Karyn B. Purvis David R. Cross Wendy Lyons Sunshine Copyright © 2007 by Karyn Brand Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine. Excerpted by permission of McGraw-Hill. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Product details
- Publisher : McGraw Hill; 1st edition (April 22, 2007)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 264 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0071475001
- ISBN-13 : 978-0071475006
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.9 x 0.6 x 8.9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #12,466 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #1 in Children with Disabilities
- #5 in Leadership Training
- #8 in Adoption (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
Dr. Karyn Purvis was the founder and Rees-Jones Director of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University, the co-creator of Trust-Based Relational Intervention, and a passionate and effective advocate for children. She coined the term “children from hard places” to describe the children she loved and served, those who have suffered trauma, abuse, neglect, or other adverse conditions early in life. With her colleague and Director of the Purvis Institute, Dr. David Cross, she co-authored The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family. Nearly 10 years after publication, The Connected Child continues to be a best-seller among adoption books.
Among academics, she was a respected researcher, demonstrating how a child’s behavior, neurochemistry and life trajectory can change given the right environment. Among parents she was an authoritative speaker, writer, and trainer. Many adoptive parents, who marveled at her innate ability to playfully connects and see the real heart of a child, revered her as a “child whisperer.”
In 1999, Dr. Purvis launched The Hope Connection, a summer camp that served as a therapeutic research and training lab for adopted children and their parents and students. Out of that experience and years of research, Drs. Purvis and Cross developed Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), a holistic intervention designed to bring deep healing to at risk children and their struggling families.
In 2005, TCU officially created the Institute of Child Development, where Dr. Purvis served as Director for the remainder of her life. Under her leadership, the message and teachings of the Institute have increased exponentially to reach an audience spanning the U.S. and more than 25 other countries around the world. Dr. Purvis’s work has been featured Newsweek, The Chicago Tribune, the Dallas Morning News, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, KERA Radio, Dateline NBC, Focus on the Family, Parents Magazine, Fort Worth Weekly, and countless other media outlets.
Dr. Purvis was also well-known for her legislative advocacy. In 2008, then-Governor Rick Perry appointed Dr. Purvis to chair a statewide committee tasked with raising standards for children in foster care. She was often asked to testify for legislation concerning adoption and foster care and served on the Adoption Review Committee for Trauma-Informed Care in 2010. She also served as a panelist for the Senate Caucus on Foster Youth Congressional Briefing in 2015.
The National Council on Adoption honored Dr. Purvis with the title of Distinguished Fellow in Adoption and Child Development. She received the James Hammerstein award, the T. Berry Brazelton award for Infant Mental Health Advocacy, A Health Care Hero award from the Dallas Business Journal, the Judge Scott Moore Award from CASA of Tarrant County, and Show Hope’s Project 11:1 Award. What mattered most to Dr. Purvis, however, was not the accolades, but seeing real change and healing in the lives of children and families.
Dr. Purvis died April 12, 2016 after a valiant fight with cancer. She was 66. In December of 2016, the Institute changed its name to the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development to honor the life and legacy of the late Dr. Purvis. Her work continues to flourish at the Purvis Institute where her team remains fiercely committed to changing the world for children.
To learn more about Dr. Purvis's work, visit child.tcu.edu.
Award-winning journalist Wendy Lyons Sunshine is author of TENDER PAWS: How Science-Based Parenting Can Transform Our Relationship with Dogs, and co-author of the bestseller, THE CONNECTED CHILD and 5-star resource RAISING THE CHALLENGING CHILD.
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Karyn Purvis also has videos on the TCU website and Youtube that further illustrate the concepts in this book.
For parents of older kids and teens, start with this book (The Connected Child) but also see Dr. Purvis' other book, the The Connected Parent, specifically the chapter on applying TBRI with teens!
For food and feeding issues, see the book Love Me, Feed Me.
The book's main points are:
- The key is to treat the whole child - and we'll help you do that!
- Start where your child is
- Compassion is key
- Focus on nurturing and structure / connecting and correcting
- "At-risk youngsters are capable of making tremendous strides toward overcoming early hardships and limitations."
Top reviews from other countries
A must have for adoptive or foster parents.
A few of the notes I took:
- put aside your preconceived expectations about your child's behaviour relative to his or her age.
- past traumas encoded within their brains are easily reactivated
- matching or mirroring your child's actions can be an effective tool for establishing relationships with your child, in part because it offers companionship and a feeling of safety
- the importance of a "re-do" and re-enacting an event in a positive way
- your goal is never to be punitive, always to be corrective
- "Do you want to ask me for a compromise?"
- If a child growls, rather than confronting them ask "Are you a lion?"
- enact a puppet show before an event to demonstrate both positive and negative types of behaviour
There were a lot of great examples in this book with real world situations which I appreciated. There were a few too many references to foreign orphanage adoptions. Near the end it also got a little too into the medical components of child behaviours. But overall a valuable resource I will come back to again.
Although the kind of 'reframing' verbal explanations with the child are important, and are highlighted in Hughes and Elliott's books, what I particularly appreciate is that here there is added emphasison non-verbal reparative experiences. For example, it stresses sensitivity to sensory triggers like touch and taste, and how these senses can be used in a therapeutic way.
The authors recognise that, by the time they reach for a book like this, parents will have already exhausted many more 'obvious' behaviour modification approaches. They rightly reject 'time outs' and 'star charts' and see medication (typically for 'ADHD') as likely to be helpful only when combined with sensory, emotional, and behavioural changes.
There are weaknesses. The one most likely to cause trouble is probably the insistence on direct eye contact, which many children with attachment difficulties will find overwhelming. Similarly, the use of explicit, 'full on' praise and acceptance of fault by the child is likely to provoke avoidant or acting-out behaviour in some children unless it is sensitively applied. I would like to see more emphasis in these cases on the use of emotional reflections, helping the child to understand what is happening for them and how it might be better managed. Finally, I would like to see more emphasis on the importance of therapeutic life story work - unresolved and confused understandings of their own history is commonly a cause of many emotional difficulties in children who have been adopted or are in long term foster care.
However, overall, I think this is a good resource, filled with practical ideas and flexible and inclusive enough for the vast majority of adoptive parents.
It is reassuring to see that, despite the easy-to-read, conversational tone, the references cited are extensive, authoritative and current.