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Michael Dale Kimmel
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Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage Paperback – April 16, 2017

by Michael Dale Kimmel (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 75 ratings
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Legal gay marriage is still a relatively new phenomenon.

As gay men who are now able to get married, we find ourselves in a bit of a quandary: for many male couples, sex is a lot more important for us than it is for heterosexuals. Two married men often have a stronger desire for sex - wanting more of it and with a wider variety of partners - than married opposite-sex couples. How does this work within the structure of a monogamous marriage? Is an open relationship a better structure for gay marriage?

Assuming that gay marriages will emulate heterosexual marriages is neither a valid nor a helpful assumption. But, as gay men, where does that leave us? There are currently no “rule books” for how a marriage between two men could or should work. While there are lots of books about how to plan your gay wedding, there are virtually none that address what to do after the honeymoon is over (literally and figuratively).

This book fills that void. It offers married gay couples (and gay men considering marriage) an easy-to-follow, practical framework that they can use to help create, adjust and structure their marriages. Using helpful examples and first-hand quotes throughout, Openly-gay psychotherapist Michael Dale Kimmel offers a roadmap for gay men who want to be married but have questions and concerns about monogamy and monotony.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    300 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Rowman & Littlefield
  4. Publication date
    April 16, 2017
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1538129140
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1538129142
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

This book obviously has some meaning to this reviewer as a gay man in a relationship for nearly 50 years. Many more likely will be written in the future as marriage is reshaped to suit the social and legal standing of straight, gay male, and lesbian relationships. One assumption is that the three categories are separate, and those who identify with a particular one will have different experiences and seek different things from marriage.The format is interesting, with boxes highlighting topics for discussion and thought. The author, a psychotherapist, has also relied on the exchanges in advice columns that he has written over the years, and the text includes some of these letters and his responses. Such stylistic decisions make the book an interesting read and lighter in some ways than might be expected. Summing Up: Recommended. High school through undergraduate students; general readers; professionals/practitioners. ― Choice Reviews

Engaging, candid and filled with insightful practical advice, Kimmel’s The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage is a timely, compassionate invitation to challenge cultural norms and forge our own ways of loving. -- David Charles Manners, author of Limitless Sky

The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage is a valuable look in to the unique challenges that gay male marriages face. Kimmel is refreshingly frank and most importantly, he understands and navigates the nuances of male-male relationships. -- Craig Laurance Gidney, Two-Time Lambda Literary Award Finalist

For the gay man who's married, going to be married, or in a dating relationship, Michael Dale Kimmel gives an honest, insightful, and fun look at how to make sex, love, conflict, and competition work--both in and out of bed. -- Alex Sanchez, author of Rainbow Boys

A complete guide to what gay men experience in relationships. Finally, a book on sexual relationships, just for us. -- Adam D. Blum, MFT, Founder and Director, Gay Therapy Center

Finally, an intelligent, compassionate guide to help navigate the complex waters of sexuality in gay relationships! Filled with insights, secrets, and practical tools, this groundbreaking work will help you forge a path to love and intimacy that truly works for you. -- Mark Matousek, author of Sex Death Enlightenment and When You're Falling, Dive

The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage is for anyone who is wanting to bring awareness and consciousness to the choices they make in their relationships and having the marriage that they dream of and deserve. Cheers to Michael Dale Kimmel for helping all of us in the gay community better take care of each others hearts. -- Conrad Ricamora, star of “How to get away with Murder”

I actually got emotional about the suggestions Kimmel provided for giving one another time and space to process when things get heated, and apologizing through action if words don’t come as easily. I reflected on how many of my past relationships would have benefited from this simple guide for “double testosterone” conflict resolution. Being right doesn’t mean we win in a relationship. This is one of many crucial points the book illuminates. A great read. -- Darryl Stephens, author, Required Reading: How to Get Your Life for Good

Michael Dale Kimmel offers an unflinchingly honest perspective into the relatively unknown territory of the "Double Testosterone" marriage. As a relationship anthropologist of sorts, Kimmel has excavated the roots of holy matrimony, while trimming away the branches that no longer serve us, allowing the birth of a new age of partnership. A must read for any same-sex couple or individual questioning how & where we can discover our own happily-ever-after. -- Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman, Actor and LGBTQ activist (Unreal, Love by the 10th Date)

A smart, thorough, no-judgements guide book to the discussions every gay couple should have (but rarely do) before they even think about ring shopping. -- Michael Bastian, designer

Growing up as the only gay individual in my family (that I know of), it was and still is very easy to fall into a heteronormative sense of self. What Michael illustrates and analyzes so beautifully and meticulously in this book is the beauty and complexity of being different in an institutionalized, heterosexualized world. I only wish this book had come out when I was a young adult to help guide me through some of my past relationships. Being gay is unique and special. And the wealth of experience and knowledge from evident years of practice and research that pours from this book is just that: unique. A definite must read for any man navigating the tricky waters of loving another man. The takeaway for me? There is no one way to do anything. And never be ashamed or afraid to ask for what you want out of love. Because you deserve it. -- Matthew Risch, actor, writer

I'm grateful to be part of the first LGBT generation that reached adulthood knowing gay marriage was a reality. But now what? In this book, Michael Dale Kimmel has provided us with a nuanced look at the question we face next in our evolution: What can our marriages become now that we have them? I recommend this read for any man who's ever dreamt of saying 'I do' to the one they love. -- Michael J. Willett, actor, G.B.F. and Faking It

Review

This book obviously has some meaning to this reviewer as a gay man in a relationship for nearly 50 years. Many more likely will be written in the future as marriage is reshaped to suit the social and legal standing of straight, gay male, and lesbian relationships. One assumption is that the three categories are separate, and those who identify with a particular one will have different experiences and seek different things from marriage.The format is interesting, with boxes highlighting topics for discussion and thought. The author, a psychotherapist, has also relied on the exchanges in advice columns that he has written over the years, and the text includes some of these letters and his responses. Such stylistic decisions make the book an interesting read and lighter in some ways than might be expected. Summing Up: Recommended. High school through undergraduate students; general readers; professionals/practitioners. ― Choice Reviews

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Rowman & Littlefield (April 16, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 300 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1538129140
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1538129142
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 14.7 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 75 ratings

About the author

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Michael Dale Kimmel

Michael Dale Kimmel

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Born in northwestern Ohio (the oldest of four children), I grew up in a small farm town. I was named after my great-grandfather Michael, who reportedly had the first Ford dealership in the State of Ohio (he ran it out of his hardware store). Eventually, I escaped the farm and made it to the big city of Cincinnati, where I earned a B.A. in Personnel and Group Development.

After graduation, I moved to London where I worked at a punk clothing store in Covent Garden. During much of my twenties, I lived in Egypt, Denmark, Greece and (the former) Yugoslavia and hitchhiked all over Europe. After returning to the USA, I earned a Master’s Degree in Developmental Psychology while interning for “Sesame Street” in New York City.

In San Francisco, I was the Clinical Director for the Homeless Children’s Network and a counselor for Aptos and Potrero Hill Middle Schools while earning my second Master’s Degree. In San Diego, I’ve worked as a licensed psychotherapist for Kaiser Permanente (Point Loma Psychiatry), Psychiatric Centers at San Diego and San Diego Hospice. I opened my private practice in 2002.

My website – www.lifebeyondtherapy.com - has received over 22,000,000 hits and over 1,500,000 unique visitors since its debut.

Since 1993, I have offered workshops on topics such as: "Monogamy or Open Relationship?", “Balancing your Heart, Mind and Libido”; “Blame, Revenge and Forgiveness”; “Celebrating our Sexuality”; “Cultivating Self-Esteem”; “Dating with the Buddha”; “Finding and Keeping Your Perfect Partner”; “Gay Sons, Straight Fathers: Acceptance and Healing”; “The Goodboy/Badboy Workshop”; “Thriving – not just Surviving – in our 40’s, 50’s and Beyond”; “Is Happiness Different for Gay Men?” and “What Do You Do When You’re Not Young and Cute Anymore?”

Currently, I write the “Life Beyond Therapy” column for Gay San Diego, the Erie Gay News, the Gayzette and The Letter. I have been a consultant on gay-related issues for Southern California news programs over the past fifteen years.

In recent years, I've written for publications including: Buzz, Lavender Lens, The Bottom Line, The Gay and Lesbian Times; Counselingmen.com; Expession magazine; Gay News Network; Gayfriendlytherapists.com; Pink News; Positivearticles.com; Pulp; Rage; Sarah Lawrence College Magazine and SDGLN.com (San Diego Gay and Lesbian News).

This is my first book.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
75 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Ryan Knapp
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Book!
Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2023
Verified Purchase
As a younger gay man about to enter his 30s, this book is perfect. It is the guide I have needed in life for a while now and so thankful this exists for future generations
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Daryl Deniston
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book with great, hard to find advice for gay couples
Reviewed in the United States on May 24, 2023
Verified Purchase
A must read for any gay man either in, or considering a relationship. Filled with excellent advice!
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S.L.
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly Recommend
Reviewed in the United States on February 5, 2023
Verified Purchase
What a well written and highly transformative book! So many things I learned about myself, my husband… I can’t recommend it more whole-heartedly!
2 people found this helpful
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Ryan Mease
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Guide to Marriage and Living Together for Men
Reviewed in the United States on June 26, 2019
Verified Purchase
This book's title sort of makes it feel like the content about an open marriage would be the heaviest part of the book. It is definitely a large section, but this is also a more general, all-purpose guide to the art of creating a marriage and a live-in relationship with another man. I definitely found this to be incredibly valuable as a tool for my process of deciding how to define my own marriage.
3 people found this helpful
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Michael Brister
5.0 out of 5 stars truly provocative & thoughtful
Reviewed in the United States on September 8, 2020
Verified Purchase
this book isn't just about marriage. it's a thoughtful and detailed approach to how gay men form their identities, how they get trapped and how they can ask the right questions to find freedom. while the book focuses on marriage, it really digs into the inputs of relationships and self-identify. best lgbt relationship/self-help book out there.
One person found this helpful
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Andrew Medina
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars
Reviewed in the United States on October 23, 2017
Verified Purchase
So far so good. Everything is working smoothly
One person found this helpful
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C.L.
5.0 out of 5 stars A candid guide for the gay couple who is married or is thinking about marriage.
Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2017
Verified Purchase
I started it and couldn't put it down. Half way through the book I bought the kindle version for my boyfriend and now he's reading it too. I enjoyed it. I appreciated the insights. This book I found to be very relatable. I have recommended it to all my friends.
One person found this helpful
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enricogomez
5.0 out of 5 stars The Advice & Mentorship You’ve Always Wanted & So Few of Us Naturally Have. Buy.This.Book.
Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2018
Verified Purchase
Essential reading for any Gay Man looking to strengthen & develop his relationship(s) & more importantly, his own character & outlook. Sort of a “Developing Into The Gay Man You’re Meant To Be ... 101. Again, Essential.
One person found this helpful
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