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The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,847 ratings

An invaluable resource for couples in which one of the partners suffers from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), this authoritative book guides troubled marriages toward an understanding of and appreciation for the struggles and triumphs of a relationship affected by it and to look at the disorder in a more positive and less disruptive way. Going beyond traditional marriage counseling, this discussion offers advice from the author's personal experience and years of research and identifies patterns of behavior that can hurt marriages - such as nagging, intimacy problems, sudden anger, and memory issues - through the use of vignettes and descriptions of actual couples and their ADHD struggles and solutions. This resource encourages both spouses to become active partners in improving their relationship and healing the fissures that ADHD can cause.

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Product details

Listening Length 8 hours and 3 minutes
Author Melissa Orlov
Narrator Laura Jennings
Audible.com Release Date March 14, 2017
Publisher Tantor Audio
Program Type Audiobook
Version Unabridged
Language English
ASIN B06XCYNYLL
Best Sellers Rank #3,168 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals)
#9 in Attention Deficit Disorders
#27 in Marriage & Long-Term Partnerships
#51 in Popular Psychology Pathologies

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
1,847 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book informative and helpful for understanding ADHD. They appreciate its insights into the thinking and feelings of spouses with ADHD. Readers describe it as an easy read that is concise and understandable. The advice provides hope for a happy, loving future. Many consider it worth the price and the best investment of their lives. However, opinions differ on the pacing - some find it realistic and thorough, while others find it irritating and time consuming.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

174 customers mention "Information quality"168 positive6 negative

Customers find the book helpful for understanding their ADHD spouse. They say it educates them on practices they could implement in assisting. The experiences are touching and informative, giving hope. The book helps them understand behaviors and feelings, and how to tackle them. It provides helpful tips to diffusing arguments and restoring the relationship.

"...I highly appreciate her passion, sincerity and dedication to share the knowledge to help others who are in a similar situation, through the journey..." Read more

"This was an eye opening book for my husband and I. I highly recommend it." Read more

"...Thank you, thank you, Melissa for bringing forth this validating, useful, wise book." Read more

"...and what my partner might be thinking, as well some helpful tips to diffusing an argument and restoring the relationship." Read more

78 customers mention "Insight"70 positive8 negative

Customers find the book helpful for self-awareness and understanding spouses with ADHD. It helps them better understand their brains and the impact it has on relationships. The book treats the ADHD person with respect and helps them empathize more with their spouse. It is a must-read for couples new to ADHD and highly recommended for those who have experienced it before.

"Melissa's book "ADHD Effect on Marriage" is like a Bible for couples in troubled relationships due to the fascinating brain condition, that is ADHD...." Read more

"...But the book still offered some helpful information about the mechanism of ADHD and what my partner might be thinking, as well some helpful tips to..." Read more

"...It has helped me sympathize more with my husband. I agree that both should work on themselves to make it work...." Read more

"...After reading this book, it really helped me see things from his perspective and the potential things that he was going through, it allowed for open..." Read more

43 customers mention "Ease of reading"34 positive9 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and understand. They appreciate the concise writing and helpful insights into ADHD relationships. The author clearly knows her subject matter, providing practical directions and excerpts from people experiencing similar issues.

"...The content, style of writing and the tools offered are excellent, professional and most of all practical & actionable...." Read more

"...Easy read packed full of information. Highly recommend!!! A must read for both the non ADHD person and the spouse with ADHD!" Read more

"...There are a LOT of excerpts from people who are going through the same things I am, and It was incredibly validating to read I am not the only one..." Read more

"This book printed a lot of good insight into both my behaviors as a non ADHD spouse and my partners and have a lot of valuable actionable things for..." Read more

14 customers mention "Hope"11 positive3 negative

Customers find the book helpful and hopeful. It provides advice for rekindling love and trust, improving communication, and understanding relationships.

"...reviewer on the front of her book say's "Orlov's work is a beacon of light and hope, offering strategies that help couples feel happier and more..." Read more

"...Her tips and advice are as helpful and hope-giving!..." Read more

"...So far even though it is early it has helped our communication, romance and logicis definitely worth a read" Read more

"...author's perceptions and suggestions are so sugar coated and EXTREMELY unrealistic." Read more

7 customers mention "Value for money"7 positive0 negative

Customers find the book valuable and worth the price. They say it's a good investment and has general value for ADHD wives and non-adhd husband marriages.

"...That in itself is very important and worth the price of the book...." Read more

"...It definitely has done a great deal for our marriage." Read more

"...Very enlightening book for a fair price on Amazon !" Read more

"...Worth it!!!!!" Read more

9 customers mention "Pacing"6 positive3 negative

Customers have different views on the pacing of the book. Some find it realistic and thorough, describing couples' experiences in a believable way. Others find it irritating and time-consuming to read, with no solutions or help.

"...Be willing, honest, open to change and help with this neurological disorder...." Read more

"...general value for adhd wife - non-adhd husband marriage, but it's quite irritating and time consuming to read through numerous bloggers and essays..." Read more

"...My spouse also read the book and states it was pretty on point with his perspective as well...." Read more

"I haven't finished reading it yet (I am the adhd spouse) but it is pretty spot on with a lot of our behavior patterns...." Read more

A solid resource!
4 out of 5 stars
A solid resource!
While the title of this book doesn't immediately make one think of marriage, if you are married to a person dealing with untreated ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) this book can be quite a resource.When Brian and I got married neither of us knew he had ADHD, so we didn't have to tools necessary to adequately deal with the blessings and challenges that come with ADHD. We spent a lot of time and energy battling over things that we didn't realize were neurological, not behavior based. When I found this book it was like a breath of fresh air.This is the first ADHD marriage book I read that didn't make the spouse responsible for the person with ADHD. The ADHD Effect also does a good job of treating the ADHD person with respect rather than making it seem like they are somehow broken or less-than because they are not nuerotypical. Orlov gives many recommendations for helping to let go of unreasonable expectations and helping your ADHD spouse to feel valued.A bonus about this book is the fact that a lot of what Orlov said also helped me relate better to my child with ADHD as well!
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on February 26, 2012
    Melissa's book "ADHD Effect on Marriage" is like a Bible for couples in troubled relationships due to the fascinating brain condition, that is ADHD. The content, style of writing and the tools offered are excellent, professional and most of all practical & actionable. The author is able to display the positive and negative aspects of Adult ADHD when it is not treated appropriately, by acknowledging the difficulties of both spouses equally. Melissa has had the firsthand experience of being in an ADHD relationship and being able to work through it, which puts her high up along with other professionals, and in my book may be even more.
    I see a lot of comparisons to Gina Pera's book "Is it you me or Adult A.D.D.?" in the other reviews, but I don't think there's any need for comparing the two books because even though both talk about ADHD they both have very different approaches. It is important to see what fits for each person. That doesn't make Melissa's book or tools any less important or valid. I am a Mental Health professional in the field of Social Work as well as an individual with a partner who has ADHD. Melissa's experience and knowledge as described in her book not only helped me to a great extent to understand the dynamics of my own relationship, but helped many of my clients as well to whom I have recommended the book. I believe that Melissa speaks the language which is familiar to anyone with ADHD without hurting anyone and also is able to guide couples very well through her detailed descriptions and steps in the book. I highly appreciate her passion, sincerity and dedication to share the knowledge to help others who are in a similar situation, through the journey of recovery and healing from the "ADHD effect" (as she says). Anyone who has lived with a partner with ADHD can easily identify with the dynamics Melissa has described in the book. I like the fact that she talks about `denial' in both spouses and places emphasis on the symptoms and responses that play a major role in ADHD affected relationships. I can see that it could be difficult for some non ADHD spouses to accept their part and it is part of that process of passing through the stage of denial which appears to be the most important phase for both spouses to move forward. I can understand this from my own experience. I would say that it is important for both the spouses to make a conscious choice and decision to remain in the relationship and work through the problems, after understanding the positive and negative factors of ADHD in a relationship. This book will play a major role in facilitating that understanding. It also gives great insight into both realities of ADHD and non ADHD and will help the spouses appreciate the differences which is the main key in the process of repairing the relationship. I haven't found a better resource than this book if one is interested in reversing the patterns that are common in ADHD affected relationships. I would highly recommend this book and give Melissa all the credit for her excellent work in this field. I also wish her all the best and success for her future work, much of which is needed as we have just started to understand Adult ADHD and there's a long way to go.
    56 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2024
    This was an eye opening book for my husband and I. I highly recommend it.
  • Reviewed in the United States on September 13, 2010
    Update: Oh, how important it is that this material be presented widely! And, learned while young, could likely prevent years of heartbreak & harmful personality adaptation patterns which are hard to break when well established and layered with the challenges of aging.

    My DH has refused to invest in the thousands of dollars over the course of the first year that therapy or coaching for him, therapy for me re: eggshell/walking living, and the all important therapy for the marriage would require. He became (apparently predictably) depressed, when, once medicated, he began to take in his large part in our difficulties. It had been his pattern all through the years to dismiss and blame me, and now I expected real improvement, and it seemed valid, yet overwhelming. His behavior became more passive-aggressive and deteriorated to the point I could no longer live in the same household, for my own sanity, waiting for a "good moment" with him, much less anything requiring compassion and forethought. He doesn't believe in the available help, after so many costly therapy sessions that went nowhere. He's tired & hopeless before he really began. I am going through a difficult divorce now, yet believe it must be for the best.

    Help get this into the hands of young people, and some inexpensive way for average folks to be personally guided, as books and ADHD often don't mix well. Thank you, also, for your teleseminar, Melissa. It was well done. I may retrain to assist in this field, seeing the huge need.

    Melissa has done an excellent job of laying out the ramifications of un or under addressed ADHD's effect on marriage. What is sorely needed now is a weekend workshop for couples and therapist certification in the methods recommended here.

    With 16 years of this marital challenge behind us, divorce was very much on it's way, and yet with this book we both have a new ally, a resurgence of hope. I will go to the next therapist, put this in his or her hands, and say "read this, and handle us this way".

    Something resembling the Gottman's weekends and therapist training is needed to offer a lifeline to the many couples headed for divorce unnecessarily, if they just had help. Interactive settings are often much better in getting through to ADHD folks than books. Having a respected presenter say the same things the non-ADHD partner is trying to express should increase credibility, and open the door to understanding. Books are simply not enough. A non-profit method to provide this help to lower income folks would have a huge impact.

    It may be too late for us. We needed to put to use this type of information and support a very long time ago, and while I have read many current, excellent books on the subject, this one hits home as the best. Hope we can scrape ourselves together for another try.

    Thank you, thank you, Melissa for bringing forth this validating, useful, wise book.
    66 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 2, 2020
    Funny thing is a lot of what the author asserts in a typical ADHD relationship is mostly reversed in me and my partner's case. Meaning my ADHD partner is frequently the one doing the "nagging" or being over-reactive and saying very criticizing things things to me while I patiently try to diffuse things; and she is the one that is actually quite responsible (I prefer to do things myself anyhow). But symptoms show when she starts to panic, yell and cry when spilling a cup of water, for example. The worst symptom is certainly the anger and failure to control it. There is a chapter in the book that addresses this thankfully and gives some tips that I will try. It's just unfortunate to read throughout the book that, by default, it's actually the non-ADHD partner acting hostile which means some of the content won't help me.

    But I think the reason why we are the exception is because she suffers from a host of other disorders such as PTSD. But the book still offered some helpful information about the mechanism of ADHD and what my partner might be thinking, as well some helpful tips to diffusing an argument and restoring the relationship.
    6 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Veronique Christie
    5.0 out of 5 stars Everyone with ADHD or and ADHD spouse needs to read this!
    Reviewed in Canada on August 9, 2022
    This book was a game changer for me and my husband. (Although disclaimer: we are separated rn for other reasons)
    Especially considering he was untreated his entire life for it, this showed us both so many ways that ADHD was affecting our marriage and we didn't even realize it! It really helped us both be aware of why he does what he does, and how to have better compassion, understanding, and patience for him. As well as finding better ways to handle both his symptoms, and my reactions to them. In fact, I'd say the best part of this book was realizing how MY actions/reactions actually worsened his ADHD symptoms, so I could work better to help him.
  • RJB
    4.0 out of 5 stars Very helpful
    Reviewed in Germany on December 10, 2021
    Well written, well explained and with a good logical progression of thought that helps you work through it methodically and effectively. It addresses both partners and treats both very equally, with little to no judgement about the situation you find yourself in.
    Definitely worth a read for anyone who knows someone with ADHD, or for people with it.
  • beth lamb
    5.0 out of 5 stars Pas uniquement pour TDAH
    Reviewed in France on May 28, 2021
    Ce livre m'explique dans des termes très clairs ce qu'il faut et ne pas faire avec mon partenaire qui a le TDAH. Un exemple, ne pas lui "parenter" en donnant des conseils et en le maternant. Des exemples très explicites de ce que ressent un TDAH (ma fille souffre de ceci aussi) par rapport à un "non" TDAH.

    Ca ouvre les yeux sur les problèmes d'emploi, relations humaines et la façon dont le cerveau fonctionne, c'est à dire, trop de détails qu'un TDAH se noie dedans.

    J'ai experimenté discretement ceci en conseillant à mon homme un certain médicament pour sa migraine. Il était poli, mais j'ai vu que ce n'était pas bienvenu.

    Beaucoup de vérité dans ce livre et d'exemples de couples ayant des problèmes (dont le but de ne pas avoir ses problèmes dans son couple).

    Excellent.
  • emma_regencyromancefan
    5.0 out of 5 stars Finally understand
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 15, 2021
    This is a brilliant book that has really helped me understand my spouse. It's only recently come to light that my 34 year old husband has ADHD. I was a little bewildered at first to think he had this "mental disorder" and was almost in denial. (I'm the sort of person to brush things under the carpet, "don't worry about it!" "Just be positive" Etc.) My husband is always someone that has been easily distracted, losing things constantly, feeling brain is muddled, feeling unworthy and not good at any tasks, puts a lot of effort into being organised etc so when I read this book I couldn't believe how it described him. He's not as bad as some of the extreme examples in this book but the first page with the blurbs about "does he feel like this, do you feel like this" were shocking how on point they were. I'm constantly trying to control what he does and yes I'm a nagger . This book has given me a totally different perspective though. It's really helped me learn about myself more too, things that I can do, things not to do, how I can come to the realisation that he deserves respect and consideration too and realise that I can't change him because ADHD just doesn't work like that. I wouldn't say we were having extreme marriage problems, we do argue a fair bit though and this has really given me food for thought how I will react going forward over arguments. I would imagine if you were having serious marriage problems this would also help you.

    I'd also like to give my thoughts on another review which I think is very unfair. Never does this book state the nonADHD spouse is superior to the ADHD spouse, in fact the main gist I got from it was that you shouldn't act like that and you shouldn't have a parent-child like relationship unless you want to be unhappy and make your spouse also unhappy. Also it IS use to women with ADHD, the author has a section about both partners having ADHD and while most examples are using "he" as the one with ADHD there are lots of examples where she says "she" has the ADHD. Also don't forget this author is a she and her husband was the one that has ADHD so she's going to talk more that way. Doesn't mea it doesn't talk about it the other way round though. It's not patronising, you need simple things to get through to your head, I can't sit there reading scientific wording and overly complex ways of saying simple statements, otherwise I won't understand what I need to do? It's not written for a dumb person, you still feel it's intelligent. It also doesn't say that all problems are down to ADHD, in fact it makes clear that often both parties have other illnesses that might be causing issues and suggests the non-adhd spouse look into if they have issues of anxiety/depression and so on and clearly says that those with ADHD most of the time have other illnesses along with that like depression etc etc. I mean it is a book about ADHD so the author is gonna focus on that? If you want a book about general marriage problems and tips then go for a totally different type of book.

    If you want a book that will help you finally understand why your spouse acts in certain ways and how you can make their lives and your own life better going forward then read it. If your spouse also reads it, great. But even if only you read it, you're enlightening yourself.

    Re spelling issues. Yes I have the printed version and I probably noticed about 4 errors in a 245 page long book.
  • Booklover
    5.0 out of 5 stars Important Book
    Reviewed in Australia on November 19, 2024
    A powerful and important book for couples who live with ADHD. Highly reccommended.