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The Primal Wound Paperback – March 14, 2003

by Nancy Newton Verrier (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,678 ratings
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The Primal Wound is a seminal work which revolutionizes the way we think about adoption. It describes and clarifies the effects of separating babies from their birth mothers as a primal loss which affects the relationships of the adopted person throughout life.. It is a book about pre-and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss. It gives adoptees, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior. It lists the coping mechanisms which adoptees use to be able to attach and live in a family to whom they are not related and with whom they have no genetic cues. It will contribute to the healing of all members of the adoption triad and will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned..

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  1. Print length
    256 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Gateway Press
  4. Publication date
    March 14, 2003
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.5 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0963648004
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0963648006
  8. See all details
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Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Gateway Press (March 14, 2003)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0963648004
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0963648006
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.6 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.5 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,678 ratings

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  1. Nancy Verrier

    Nancy Verrier

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Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
1,678 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

amy thomas
5.0 out of 5 stars So spot on
Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2024
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Im an adopted child and this book was written to a T as to how i felt. And every adoptive parent should read it i highly reccomend it.its a wonderful tool to understand an adopted child to avoid future issues i wasnt lucky enough to have understanding adoptive parents.
Kuddos to the author for writing a book where you hit it outta the park.
A MUST READ
4 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Wow! What a book of great knowledge for adoptees and family
Reviewed in the United States on January 13, 2024
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I am adopted myself and have an adopted son! I’m 57 years old and after just 2 chapters I was moved to a complete breakdown because this book made so much sense in regards to me, my journey as an adoptee and parent of an adoptee. I am 5 chapters in and see so much if myself and my son! It’s really made my eyes open wide to some of the reasons I’ve done, said and reacted to so much in my lifetime and same for my sons behavior’s over his 26 years. I hope to finish it soon but had to take an emotional break and do some self reflection. I bought it for my son’s fiancé and she’s already finished it. She said it’s help her to make sense of why my son can react the way he does on certain things & helped them to work through some conflicts easier. It’s a must read if you are adopted or have adopted.
8 people found this helpful
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Olisa
5.0 out of 5 stars Get it!
Reviewed in the United States on July 28, 2023
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I was extremely hesitant to purchase this book as it has many mixed reviews from an adoptees perspective. If you're in denial about how adoption has affected your life, this book can definitely be a hard read. Without telling my own story, all I can say is that if you have any kind of abandonment issues, anger, or just any kind of feelings that you feel you haven't been able to address... this book not only explains them but validates the experience. It was extremely affirming to read and understand why I am the way I am. The tone of the book can be a little strong but her ability to be so blantaly honest adds to the validity of all the many feelings adoptees experience. Looking forward to reading the 2nd book of this as it does leave you feeling like... now what. Adoptees have trauma and as a society we need to stop ignoring its implications in our lives when not handled with honesty, love and compassion.
11 people found this helpful
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wolfie wolf
5.0 out of 5 stars It's beatiful
Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2023
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the book is an amazing and true book. some statistics are different now as opposed to when it was written but otherwise it is awesome! it's perfect and as an adoptee if feels so nice to finally be recognized and heard by profesionals and others. I bought mine used and it came exactly the day it said it would. The book was in good condition. few wear and tear spots but otherwise very good!!! 100% good buy
3 people found this helpful
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Pat Goltz
4.0 out of 5 stars This book takes too long
Reviewed in the United States on July 8, 2015
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If you are a member of an adoptive triad (birthmother, adoptee, adoptive parent), read far enough into the book to learn the nature of the problem, and then throw the first half of the book away.

The book is about the wound caused to the baby by being separated from his biological mother through adoption. It is rather superficial on the forces that bond, so I will elaborate a bit. Unborn babies are sapient creatures, and they begin to manifest this sapience very early in pregnancy. As soon as the baby can hear (and we really don't know how early that is, just that it's early), he will begin to learn his mother's voice, and the voices of the people the mother lives with to a lesser extent. Hormonal messages between mother and child start during the first hours of life. The baby sends stem cells into the mother's blood stream throughout pregnancy. Mother and baby consciously interact as soon as the mother can feel the baby's movement. At birth, the baby will recognize his mother's scent, and he is already accustomed, through uterine feeding, to the cultural cuisine of the mother, whose breast milk will also convey this cuisine. It goes without saying that being as vulnerable as a newborn is (or a slightly older child), adoption is going to result in emotional and spiritual trauma when that bond is broken.

Be careful. While this book shows clearly that the baby is a sapient human being (and thus worthy of protection for his life), this book can easily be used to argue that adoption is so inhumane, it's better to slice the baby's body apart with a sharp knife, even with all the agony that causes. Don't let people use this book as an argument for abortion. At the very end, she talks about abortion a little bit. Her writing is fairly reasoned, although lurking in the background and almost mentioned is the fact that abortion should be unthinkable because if we realize that babies learn to know their mothers in the womb, they've been human from the beginning, not to mention the fact that mothers also suffer a primal wound from any separation from their babies, and abortion certainly causes such a deep wound. The writer appears to want to straddle the fence on the political questions attached to the abortion issue. I can understand why, but in light of what she reveals, it really makes no sense. Even if the baby is no longer alive and able to suffer the separation, the mother does, and it is often very severe.

The book spends most of its time in the first half talking about all the dysfunctional ways people can react to the severing of this bond. It seems to classify people into two categories: those who act out (maybe even trying to precipitate a second rejection on the part of adoptive parents so at least the next trauma occurs on his own terms), and those who become withdrawn.She never entertains the notion that children sometimes act out to see if the new bond is secure (not having an expectation it isn't or that they plan to break it) or to ask for more precise boundaries, which give the child security. The bulk of the first half was taken up with one short description after another of how sample adoptees reacted in a dysfunctional way. It was like, OK, so here is one scenario. That one doesn't fit you? Try THIS one. On and on and on. Page after page after page. Lots of repetition. After awhile, the whole milieu became so thick you could cut it with a knife. The adoptee is doomed to have dysfunctional behavior, and there is nothing he can do about it. He's stuck with it. At this point, I wanted to throw the book into the fireplace. Whatever you do, if you are an adoptee, don't let this section give you ideas! Please keep in mind that psychology studies dysfunctional people, and rarely studies normal people who have a healthy outlook and healthy emotions. The result is that the conclusions reached are badly skewed. Such is the case with the few pages spent talking about how adoptees and their bio families will be attracted to each other sexually. This is pure Freud, and it's been bunk from the very beginning. There will always be people who are attracted sexually to the wrong people, but that doesn't make it even terribly common in this particular situation.

Psychiatry and psychology are like that. Endless talk, going around in circles. Endless talk. Word spinning. Lots of theories. Keep in mind that psychology thinks that your adult life and behavior are determined by the traumas of childhood, and you're stuck with them. I have never seen any writer suggest that as willful actors, we can change what we do, and find a functional answer for any curveball life has thrown us. I did it, and so can you.

Eventually, she does get around to giving some typical psychological answers to the problem. Some suggestions she never mentions:
1. baptize your child as soon as possible. The Holy Spirit will teach the child that he is part of God's family. He loves His children intensely, infinitely, and everlastingly. That bond will never be broken. Raise the child with a sense of God's love. Be involved in corporate worship if you can.
2. try to adopt at least two with a similar background
3. if adopting an infant, try to breastfeed. La Leche League can teach you how.
4. resolve your feelings about infertility if it is an issue
5. if you can, homeschool.

6. make sure the child understands the limits and they are enforced in a loving way. Don't discipline while you are angry; calm down first. This provides security and a sense of real love. Her section on limits is actually reasonably well thought out.

Separation is a fact of life. Children in broken homes experience it, usually frequently. A parent experiences a "primal wound" whenever a child leaves home to start life as an adult. Children experience a "primal wound" when they are sent off to school. As a mother, I did, too. Teachers would get to see the joy of learning, not me. Most of us think nothing of this, by the way, which I think is dead wrong. The fact that so many schools deliberately undermine parental teaching only creates a conflict that many children simply cannot resolve. I have suffered many such "primal wounds", and they HURT. Where's OUR book? :) You may say that the Primal Wound is far worse. How do you know? You can't quantify pain. To be fair, the book hints at such wounds, but never validates them.

Remember also, most adoptees here are privileged. They have the opportunity to look for their birth family if they so desire, and most will probably succeed (but they may be disappointed to learn they don't have much in common with their birth family). When a child is torn from his parents by war or natural disaster, there may be no way of ever tracing the child's roots at all. And I think of these people, too, with sorrow in my heart.

Hey, I am sympathetic to the situation of the adoptee. But knowing your roots and being subjected to any kind of abuse, as so many are, is not the answer, either.

One more thing: the book mentions using hypnotism for purposes of regression. Don't even go there. Hypnotism can leave a person open to both false memories, and oppression by spirits that are bent on your destruction (yes, they're real). These can plant the false memories, and there are plenty that can be planted. Even if the hypnotism is done by a medical professional, don't do it. Many of the things that people believe about hypnotism ARE false, but there are plenty of hidden dangers no one talks about. So leave it alone. It will do nothing to contribute to healing anyway.

And keep in mind that many people subject themselves to intense therapy. Mission accomplished! Psychologists make lots of money off your misery. It's not REALLY in their best interests to help you find a solution and develop a normal emotional and spiritual life. They lose a customer. Find someone who understands biblical counseling who can do so with kindness and love (none of this heaping guilt trips on people, just take them where they are, show them the love of God, and go from there.) They won't be easy to find, but there are a few such people out there. Remember, we are ALL separated from God until we re-unite with Him through acceptance of Jesus' sacrifice for us. And that separation from God is the foundation of all separation trauma. All of it, including the Primal Wound.

One more thing: let us as a society honor the courage of birthmothers. Choosing adoption is an extremely difficult thing to do, and they deserve it.
118 people found this helpful
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Akilah Jackson
5.0 out of 5 stars I’m so affirmed
Reviewed in the United States on September 12, 2023
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Wow I’m only on chapter four but so far this book has been so affirming to my feelings about being adopted. Im 31 and I have always felt misunderstood but this book has put my feelings into words perfectly. I think it is so beautiful That the author took time out to figure out what was going on with her adopted daughter. I think it’s book is the love letter any child would want from their adopted parent. For them to try and understand them and not look at them differently for how they feel and their internal struggle. It’s a hard one to get through , so many emotions coming up but I’m so glad I found this book.
8 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Fan of the witch arts
5.0 out of 5 stars To all parents, please consider educating yourselves....LOTS
Reviewed in Canada on November 5, 2017
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I haven't quite finished this yet, but it's hitting a lot of chords. I think it's essential for all parties involved in adoption to educate themselves and sooner rather than later. Although this book is dated, it's been the closest to articulating what the adoptee goes through. I think there needs to be more awareness and discussion about what happens to the adoptee psychologically and into their adult years. Babies are not commodities, if you want one, think about the fact your are raising a human, a person. Prime yourself for the fact that if you are infertile, this isn't just a replacement and you can't seamlessly integrate someone else's child as one of your own. The fact of the matter is, the child will always be someone else's biological child. That fact needs to be embraced.

I can't imagine what the psychological factors will be for people who were sperm donor bred, test tube made etc. This goes beyond the wants of the parents, this is bringing in people, not children, but people into the world. Your babies and children are going to be adults one day. The first few years, the fetus months, are ALL important for the growth of a human. Just like planting a seed consciously, and tending to it's growth.

So please parents, consider the human you are going to raise - whether adopted or not. The bonding and nourishment in their environment is crucial.

I am taking my time with this book because it is stirring things up, things I never had words for or and understanding of until I started investigating my adoption more. As an adoptee, it does have a huge impact on my life that I never realized before and now I have a better understanding of. How my attachment style is to friends and lovers. How I can easily cut off from the world to avoid wound and pain. It's deep, and it may be very hard to heal, if healable at all.

So take care family people, how you put together your family, the more transparent and communicative and understanding the better. Be sensitive to the adoptive child and do not take offence if they reject you. It isn't your fault. It's the circumstances.

~from a troubled, going to therapy, adult adoptee
10 people found this helpful
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rrickarr
5.0 out of 5 stars An important and healing book.
Reviewed in Germany on July 23, 2019
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I had heard about this book a few years ago and finally knew it was time to read it. It is high time that adoptees have the right to express ourselves. As a child and even as a university student, other adults believed that they had the right to white-wash my adoption experience as if it had never happened. All they had to do was be quiet and listen. They did not need to say anything, only listen. Instead, they had to offer their fairy tale nonsense that my adoptive parents must have been wonderful people and I should be grateful that I turned out so well. Little do they ever know or bother to even notice the deep emptiness and hurt dwelling inside. And so it is high time that a book has been written that makes clear that yes, adoption is trauma and there are adoptees that are still hurting in adulthood. And, there are many experiences that are common and universal, that for some reason we were left out of and can never get back.

Now that we know that separation from the birth mother causes trauma to a child, a further area of exploration would have to investigate the effects of a child in the womb of a mother who knows she cannot keep her child and must hide it. I am thinking of those of us who are from the era of forced adoptions (Baby Scoop). 9 months absorbing that fear also has its effects.

This book should be mandatory for everyone and anyone involved in adoption.
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Stompin77
5.0 out of 5 stars As an adoptee...everyone needs to read this!
Reviewed in Australia on December 29, 2023
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As a forced adoptee 1977 closed adoption. Everyone needs to read this book and better understand adoption and be better prepared to help adoptees. Adoption is trauma not a disney movie. This book explains perfectly many of the obstacles adoptees face daily.
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Grethel
5.0 out of 5 stars Bien
Reviewed in Spain on February 12, 2018
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Es un libro muy difícil de encontrar en España.
Es perfecto para regalar a aquellas parejas que se inician en el mundo de la adopción.
Lo recomiendo para aquellas personas que quieren conocer otra parte más profunda del proceso de adoptar a un niño ya que nos permite conocer aspectos que no suelen explicarse en otros libros.
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Ulrica Pinto-Fernandes
5.0 out of 5 stars Bible for Adoptive Families - Must have!
Reviewed in India on July 22, 2017
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I have only read up to Page 25 yet, and I felt led to write this review.

Nancy, thank you for writing this incredible book. Rightly said, it is a must have for every adoptive family.

Nancy has done a phenomenal job at making known the truth about the life of adoptees. Easy to read and very very engaging. I wish I could hand out a copy to EVERY adoptive family I know. This seriously is a must-have. It will save lives!

From an adoptive mommy herself.
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Ulrica Pinto-Fernandes
5.0 out of 5 stars Bible for Adoptive Families - Must have!
Reviewed in India on July 22, 2017
I have only read up to Page 25 yet, and I felt led to write this review.

Nancy, thank you for writing this incredible book. Rightly said, it is a must have for every adoptive family.

Nancy has done a phenomenal job at making known the truth about the life of adoptees. Easy to read and very very engaging. I wish I could hand out a copy to EVERY adoptive family I know. This seriously is a must-have. It will save lives!

From an adoptive mommy herself.
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