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Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship Paperback – January 1, 2004

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,042 ratings

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The first love in our lives is our mother. Recognizing her face, her voice, the meaning of her moods, and her facial expressions is crucial to survival. Dr. Christine Ann Lawson vividly describes how mothers who suffer from borderline personality disorder produce children who may flounder in life even as adults, futilely struggling to reach the safety of a parental harbor, unable to recognize that their borderline parent lacks a pier, or even a discernible shore.

Four character profiles describe different symptom clusters that include the waif mother, the hermit mother, the queen mother, and the witch. Children of borderlines are at risk for developing this complex and devastating personality disorder themselves. Dr. Lawson's recommendations for prevention include empathic understanding of the borderline mother and early intervention with her children to ground them in reality and counteract the often dangerous effects of living with a "make-believe" mother.

Some readers may recognize their mothers as well as themselves in this book. They will also find specific suggestions for creating healthier relationships. Addressing the adult children of borderlines and the therapists who work with them, Dr. Lawson shows how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to live with the witch without becoming her victim.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

This wonderfully readable book is totally devoid of jargon and pedantry. The writing is concise and simple, although the subject is complex and weighty. With picturesque nosology, Dr. Lawson writes about the waif, hermit, queen, and witch mothers. Her unique examination of borderline mothers and how they relate to their children culminates in a discussion of what can be done for both from an interpersonal perspective. Replete with clinical vignettes, this book is entertaining as well as informative. -- Peter L. Giovacchini

This well-researched and beautifully written book presents in graphic, specific, clinical detail overwhelming evidence to resolve any ambiguity about the relationship of the borderline mother to her children. The many faces of the borderline mother are nicely differentiated and described. Dr. Lawson also provides guidelines on how to manage a relationship with a borderline mother constructively. A helpful read for all therapists who work with borderline patients. -- James F. Masterson

Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment, lurks a borderline mother. Dr. Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion and terror into their children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen and witch mother, along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type. This spellbinding contribution to the literature provides effective treatment procedures for therapists working within the spectrum of borderline phenomenology. -- Joan Lachkar

Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure. -- Christina Crawford

About the Author

Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker in private practice in Indianapolis, Indiana. She has previously served as adjunct faculty at Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis, and Butler University.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0765703319
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Rowan & Littlefield (January 1, 2004)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 330 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780765703316
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0765703316
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.13 x 1.02 x 9.09 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,042 ratings

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Christine Ann Lawson
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Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker in private practice in Indianapolis, Indiana. She has previously served as adjunct faculty at Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis, and Butler University.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
1,042 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book provides useful information on borderline mothers and their behaviors. It is concisely written in lay terms and readable. Many consider it an amazing, well-researched book on this subject. The writing style is described as sensitive and well-written. Readers appreciate the accurate depiction of borderline mothers and the author's clever characterizations of the four archetypes. They also mention that the book provides suggestions on how to set clear boundaries.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

201 customers mention "Information quality"192 positive9 negative

Customers find the book provides useful information on mental illness. It helps them understand their childhood and family relationships. The author uses real-life examples and validates feelings. The book has helped customers develop their own identity and recover from their condition.

"This is probably the best mental health book and best book about borderline women that I have ever read. It is so enthralling the way it was written...." Read more

"...of the 4 archetypes of Borderline mother, are unthinkably revealing, disturbingly accurate, and plainly articulated...." Read more

"...I was looking for and I appreciated it being so smartly written and put together...." Read more

"...Knowledge is power and I feel the more I can learn and understand this disorder, the more I can protect myself and my family...." Read more

146 customers mention "Readability"135 positive11 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and helpful for those involved with borderline mothers. They describe it as a thorough research on the subject, cathartic to read about experiences and behaviors, and liberating. Readers appreciate the author's storytelling ability and find the book captivating and rewarding.

"This is probably the best mental health book and best book about borderline women that I have ever read. It is so enthralling the way it was written...." Read more

"This is one of the most thoroughly researched books on this subject I have ever read...." Read more

"...well-written volume for the 2000 audience, utilizing archetypes to illustrate different types of BPD in mothers...." Read more

"...This book is invaluable both to people involved in the moment with a borderline mother who has custody of minor children, and to the grown children..." Read more

66 customers mention "Writing style"64 positive2 negative

Customers find the book's writing style clear and easy to understand. They appreciate the sensitivity and deep understanding of children's behaviors. The book is well-organized for first reading and future reference, with detailed chapters without being overwhelming.

"...It is so enthralling the way it was written...." Read more

"...comprehensive discourse on BPD as that which this author has so perfectly written...." Read more

"...This is just what I was looking for and I appreciated it being so smartly written and put together...." Read more

"...but considering this book in context, it is a smart, well-written volume for the 2000 audience, utilizing archetypes to illustrate different types..." Read more

43 customers mention "Value for money"35 positive8 negative

Customers find the book provides good value for money. They say it's worth reading if you have a borderline parent. The examples and insights are helpful.

"...It really is worth every cent!..." Read more

"...to read (emotionally) the perspective and validation offered is well worth reliving what most of us would just as soon forget...." Read more

"...Great book. Worth every penny." Read more

"This is THE book to buy if you suspect your Mother is a borderline. I wish I had read this 10 years ago, because it has changed my life...." Read more

15 customers mention "Accuracy"15 positive0 negative

Customers find the book's depiction of borderline mothers accurate. They appreciate the author's analysis and clever characterizations of the four archetypes. The book perfectly describes their family.

"...provided in this landmark text on BPD, along with the author's clever characterizations of the 4 archetypes of Borderline mother, are unthinkably..." Read more

"...This book was the only book to describe her exactly. My children 23 and 20 years old have read it...." Read more

"Recommended by my sister's therapist (to her). Brilliant analysis of the borderline mother, why she is how she is, the different presentations/..." Read more

"...to read, gives accessible definitions of BPD, and links styles of relating of borderline mothers with classic fairy-tale archetypes...." Read more

8 customers mention "Pacing"8 positive0 negative

Customers find the book informative and helpful for setting clear boundaries. It provides techniques to create boundaries that reduce their influence. Readers describe the book as forthright, non-judgmental, and full of information. They appreciate the lack of guilt, shame, self-loathing, or feeling of pouncing.

"...Setting boundaries is paramount...." Read more

"...There is no guilt, shame, self loathing, and feeling of pouncing on someone for putting me down. Just quiet. I feel nice. I feel quiet...." Read more

"...my mom comes from with her rage, as well as the different subcategories of types of borderlines...." Read more

"...Even my husband has enjoyed reading it. It has helped him to set clear boundaries with his mother-in-law, b.c...." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on October 17, 2024
    This is probably the best mental health book and best book about borderline women that I have ever read. It is so enthralling the way it was written. The way that fairy tale characters are used as representation and the famous people in history with the disorder was so fascinating to me. I need to read it again. It would be awesome to discuss at a book club.
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 28, 2015
    This is one of the most thoroughly researched books on this subject I have ever read. Each page is filled with accurate information, so much so it is unlike most books on this subject I've read before. The behavorial examples provided in this landmark text on BPD, along with the author's clever characterizations of the 4 archetypes of Borderline mother, are unthinkably revealing, disturbingly accurate, and plainly articulated. I have yet to read such a comprehensive discourse on BPD as that which this author has so perfectly written.

    If you have a parent who suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder (and you, too, suffered as a result of the disorder), then do yourself the grand favor of reading this title. I've read almost every available resource on BPD that I've been able to find in the last 20 years, from clinical studies to nonfiction narratives, and I promise you, this title has no match among them all. It really is worth every cent! No other text I have been able to find and read has offered such profound insight into the pattern behaviors common to Borderline Personality Disorder.

    A word of caution is necessary, however, since some may be truly disturbed by what they read among these pages. If that is so, then you cannot imagine what living through this must be like... with this book, the need for imagination is moot, since its author tells it like no other has ever told it before.

    For those of you who read this title in hopes of making sense of your experiences, let me just tell you that turning page after page in this book may leave you likening what you read herein to a frighteningly honest book that someone has written about your own life. It really opens one's eyes to know that what you thought, despite of what you were told to otgerwise believe, may have been more representative of what was than you could ever allow yourself to accept about life as you knew it.
    40 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on April 30, 2012
    I found this book to be the best information out there on the subject. It physically looks and feels like a text book but reads much easier than one. If you had / have a boderline mother, it is likely that nothing is too intense nor scares you much anymore. After all, not much tops this kind of insane, dysfunctional and distructive behavior does it. You may find that the intense and dense amount of information in this book to be a welcome friend and just the detailed information you were looking for.
    I am very grateful to this author because she is one of the few who has written on this subject and she does not shy away from anything and that is essential. I agree with others here who say that finally they know how to understand things they never could fully get and finally they know better how to take care of themselves. I really appreciated the information about what having this kind of mother does to you. In a big way, I learned there are certain things that can hinder you (as their child) in relationships forever after, like the fact that borderline mothers are profound narsissisists and how that has made their children different from other people. Without awareness of theses things there is little possibility for change.
    This is just what I was looking for and I appreciated it being so smartly written and put together.
    It is important to note that not only are these people impossible for their own children, professionals often have great difficulty with borderlines as clients because they are so black and white.
    12 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on July 19, 2014
    It took me almost 40 years to finally understand what was wrong with my mother. I truly felt no one, including my therapists, could relate or understand what I had been through. This book is a must read for anyone that has a parent with BPD. I'm not alone! I always felt that I was and it made me question my own sanity. This book helped me make sense of my mother and what was wrong with her. Most people with BPD will never seek help so they go undiagnosed. My mother has all the symptoms so there is really no doubt whatsoever that she is a BPD. She put me through hell as a child and continues to still and I am now 42. And to make matters worse my father was a sociopath. Both parents were crazy....cruel, violent, and totally unpredictable. Abusive on every level. Master manipulators and liers. They were the enemy. They didn't care about me and actually wanted to destroy me, destroy my soul. My happiness and success in life made them miserable and jealous. They had projected all their hatred onto me with expectations that I would be a total failure. However, I am strong, resilient and a survivor. I live a normal life, finishing my masters in education, own my home and farm, have lots of friends with a strong love for children, animals, art, adventure and nature. I have many passions, especially with horses. They are extremely healing and therapeutic. I left home at 14 and have kept my distance living in another state. I keep in touch with my mom but even phone calls are a challenge with her. This book has helped me make sense of her craziness and ensure me that it's not me, it really is her. Knowledge is power and I feel the more I can learn and understand this disorder, the more I can protect myself and my family. I live a very guarded life with good reason. No will understand except those that also have a BPD mother. I struggle to lead a normal, healthy life and to be able to provide that for my daughter. Luckily I did not end up with the same disorder but I do struggle with post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. I grew up in a crazy family and made it out alive and sane. If I only had this book to read 25 years ago it may have spared me the lifelong struggle that I went through alone. Very alone. No one knows my struggles and what I was facing. No one but those of you who are living the same struggle.
    104 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Rose
    5.0 out of 5 stars Borderline personality
    Reviewed in Canada on December 23, 2024
    Really helped me understand the condition better
  • IK
    5.0 out of 5 stars Speechless. Wow.
    Reviewed in Germany on October 27, 2023
    No other way to put it, just simply, wow.

    Only 50 pages in, and the book has basically listed and explained all the confusing psychological states, emotions and situations I’ve been through as a child, most of which I never could put to words, even after 4 years of therapy. I’m a male son of a BPD mother, and even though the book mentions that it’s mostly about the relationship of the mother and daughter, in my case it’s just as revelant to me.

    Might be the most important book I’ve owned, to date.

    In a more technical note: also extremely well and comprehensibly written. Basically no previous psychological knowledge is needed.
  • PaintedDog
    5.0 out of 5 stars THE book to read on borderline personality disorder
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 11, 2018
    I've read many books on Borderline Personality Disorder. This one outstrips them all. It provides a wealth of detail and felt extremely well informed. It really explained to me my experience of life with my mother, but also provided a real insight into how this has affected my character and behaviour since. There have been many aspects to my adult life that I've found troubling and have related to disatisfactions with my partner and relationship, only to discover they're typical remnants of an upbringing with someone with BPD. This has helped me significantly gain objectivity in my relationships and find a peace with myself.

    The book is about "understanding" the BPD mother, it is not a recipe book of do this, don't do that to survive. But I found understanding the dynamics the most useful thing available. This book has so helped me make sense of my life. It's well written, though can be a painful read and because of this a difficult read, but several chapters in and I was absolutely hooked and simply devoured it.
  • Jenifer Moon
    5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant read
    Reviewed in Australia on March 5, 2017
    This book just sums it all up! I feel validated and understood, having seen the effect of BPD weave its way down through three generations. I never learnt about any of this, doing a psychology degree mid 80's. This book makes sense of difficult relationships, and is easy to read and comprehend. Expensive, but worth it.
  • jviader3
    5.0 out of 5 stars sobresaliente
    Reviewed in Spain on July 27, 2015
    Compré este libro porque tenia excelentes críticas en inglés, y efectivamente, es un libro que describe 4 subtipos de madres borderlines con una profundidad que permite reconocer un patrón en la complejidad que es el trastorno límite de la personalidad. Este libro se centra en validar los sentimientos y pensamientos tan a menudo confusos de las hijas(sirve igualmente para hijos) de madres borderlines, y da un insight en las raíces del problema, esto en sí, ya es muy terapéutico. Lo recomiendo a todos los que han tenido que sufrir un progenitor con este trastorno y a todos los psicólogos clínicos.
    Tengo que poner un pero, y es que el libro es bastante caro. Al final me decidí con el razonamiento de que prefería comprar uno bueno y caro que dos baratos y malos, no puedo juzgar por los baratos pero por lo menos puedo decir que este es bueno y no me arrepiento del precio que pagué por él.