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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition Paperback – June 5, 2012

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 3,971 ratings

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In this moving guide, a gay man shares his personal journey of letting go of shame and moving forward with self-compassion and healing.

Even though an entire generation of men have openly and freely come out of the closet, gay men still struggle with self-acceptance. Sexually transmitted diseases, depression, and suicide occur more frequently for gay men than straight men. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Through brave individual stories and compassionate analysis, The 
Velvet Rage explores how shame is insidious, and can be traced back to childhood feelings of “otherness”. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, Alan Downs offers a path to emotional well-being and an end to self-defeating behavior.

Velvet Rage is an empowering book you'll wish you read long ago. It’s not too late to begin the healing process.
 
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Bestseller, 5/11/12 "A groundbreaking examination of the psychology of homosexuality, why it leads to shame over one's identity, and how to overcome it.... This book has remarkable staying power."―Philadelphia Gay News

"The clearest, most succinct delineation of the origins and consequences of internalized homophobia, and how to address them."―
Artvoice

"Those familiar with gay men will find a good deal of honest reporting here. Without being maudlin, Downs, himself a gay man, writes movingly."―
Library Journal

“Dr. Downs has already changed the public discourse on gay culture and helped shape the identity of an entire generation of gay men.”―
Google Books

"Peppered with deeply personal reflections... There's no doubt that the men profiled in this sober call for "owning the injury" of growing up gay in a straight world were helped by their counseling, or that there are certainly some readers who will find their own lives reflected in that healing."―
Q Syndicate

"[An] excellent new book...
The Velvet Rage is a chronicle of furtive pathos, anger, compensatory fabulousness, despair, sex addiction, and flickerings of hope as its wounded actors make their way by uncertain stages toward a light of authenticity and self-acceptance their culture does not want them to find or even see. In its pages, through anecdotal moments and analytical passages, one is constantly catching glints of people one has known, behaviors one has seen and heard firsthand and often been baffled and hurt by."―San Francisco Bay Guardian

"Dr. Alan Downs has some words of wisdom....Although unnerving at first, readers might feel kinship with the case study subjects and ultimately, become empowered by the lessons learned and by the self-realizations experienced."
New City Chicago

"While we can all hope that the collective experience will change in time, Downs' perspective is still all too relevant."―
AOL's Book Maven

About the Author

Alan Downs, PhD is a clinical psychologist and the bestselling author of seven books. His work is acclaimed internationally and has been published in more than twenty-seven languages. He is a sought-after conference speaker, workshop leader, and frequent media commentator on the psychology of gay men. He has more than 25 years of experience in working with individuals from all walks of life, and is currently in private practice in Los Angeles, California.

Currently, he consults with individuals and couples in his Los Angeles office as well as over the internet worldwide. In addition to his expertise in working with gay men, he is an intensively trained Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) therapist who has worked with individuals as well as therapists who are seeking to learn the mindfulness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills which are so effectively taught within the DBT therapeutic framework. Most recently, Dr. Downs has been quoted in Vogue, The Guardian, and The New York Times.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Balance; Updated edition (June 5, 2012)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0738215678
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0738215679
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.75 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 3,971 ratings

About the author

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Alan Downs
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Alan Downs, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who lives in Palm Springs, California. He is the author of seven books in the field of psychology and a sought-after public speaker. He is currently focusing primarily on his clinical work and writings for gay men. Dr. Downs is the former CEO of Michael's House Treatment Center in Palm Springs, California and has been an intensively trained Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) therapist for the past twenty years. His current book, THE VELVET RAGE, has been acclaimed as "groundbreaking" and "the bible for the gay men". Dr. Downs has been a guest on many media programs including, THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, TODAY SHOW, and NPR's MORNING EDITION.

Dr. Downs's influence as a thought leader for gay men is worldwide and continues to grow. In 2018, London's premier fashion designer, Charles Jeffrey "Loverboy", in an interview with VOGUE credited THE VELVET RAGE for inspiring his Fall line of clothing. Later that same year, television producer Ryan Murphy referenced the influence of THE VELVET RAGE in a published interview with THE NEW YORKER magazine in an article titled "Why Ryan Murphy is the Most Powerful Man in Television".

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
3,971 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book easy to read and insightful. They say it speaks directly to their unique experiences and pitfalls of living. Readers experience more joy, contentment, and inner peace after reading the book. The book helps them build self-esteem and confidence to stand up without shame.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

201 customers mention "Insight"186 positive15 negative

Customers find the book insightful and valuable for gay men. They say it speaks to their unique experiences and pitfalls. The book provides universal truths and underlying psychology. It is described as refreshing and helpful for living a more fulfilling life.

"...and do the work presented in it, I believe this book will change your life forever...." Read more

"...But, nonetheless, it provides a good refresher, and if you have a challenging relationship today, there is a good likelihood this book will..." Read more

"...facing your shame, taking responsibility for your actions, being completely honest, and self-examining oneself completely...." Read more

"...to authentic living for the gay male, "The Velvet Rage," is a valuable self-help tool for gay men struggling to break free from a life of insecurity..." Read more

201 customers mention "Readability"191 positive10 negative

Customers find the book readable and engaging. They say it's a good read to confront parts of themselves that they keep covered up. Many readers mention it's an excellent book for gay men and parents with gay children. The second half is described as awesome, brilliant, and enlightening.

"...came when I was ready so I read it and it was one of the best books I've ever read...." Read more

"Brilliant, Insightful, Deep! This book is for anyone who felt grossly inadequate, flawed, bullied, or an outsider as a child...." Read more

"...This is especially a great book for someone who has been unceremoniously dumped from what they thought was a good, functioning, growing relationship..." Read more

"...Despites these omissions, "The Velvet Rage" is still a very enlightening read. The last quarter of the book is particularly helpful...." Read more

10 customers mention "Joy"7 positive3 negative

Customers find the book helpful. It provides simple tools for finding joy and contentment. They find it insightful and profound, with many "aha" moments. The book resonates with them and validates aspects of their lives.

"...result of learning and practicing these skills, I am gradually experiencing more joy, contentment, and inner peace...." Read more

"...Relationship changing. Healing. Insightful and overflowing with "aha!" moments. I wish I had had this book 25 years ago...." Read more

"...As a guy in my late 20s, I think this book is too dark. It has a gloomy, sort of Freudian take on what it means to be a gay man, and it speaks to a..." Read more

"...stand up without shame and reclaim my right to a healthy, passionate, joyous, life of integrity...." Read more

6 customers mention "Self esteem"6 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for building self-esteem and resolving to become their best selves. They say it renews their courage and self-confidence to stand up without shame, and sets them free to be themselves.

"...As you read, you may find yourself finding insights and freedom...." Read more

"...It renewed my courage and self-confidence to stand up without shame and reclaim my right to a healthy, passionate, joyous, life of integrity...." Read more

"...access to their long forbidden and disowned feelings, and sets them free to be themselves...." Read more

"...life while at the same time loving yourself alot more and building your self esteem." Read more

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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2015
    If you are willing to look at yourself in an honest & compassionate way, don't forget that part it's very important, and do the work presented in it, I believe this book will change your life forever. Alan observes that gay men grow up in a world where they were forced to hide themselves. This was very true for me, Doctor Downs then asserts that also later in life the gay man never develops their own authenticity & thus is not able to experience real joy in life, because of toxic shame. The gay man then exhibits all the stereotypical behaviors that we all know gay men exhibit, this is done to compensate for or avoid that shame which it really doesn't. Some things that the gay man does, some of which I had done myself, to avoid toxic shame are: their insatiable taste for fast & furious sex, equally fast & furious relationships with men, the quest for the perfect body (their own or someone else's), the perfect sexual partner (of the moment), the perfect latest styles, the perfect decorated home in the perfect zip code, the performing flawlessly at their perfect job, having the the perfect social life with their perfect friends, lastly the perfectly caddy condemning judgmental social behaviors that might be entertaining for awhile but really don't serve anyone, least of all the man doing them. Where does the rage come in all of this? Well, when the gay man doesn't get their way in any of the above & a circumstance reveals any of those things above in life that are not perfect, that one hair out of place, being caught wearing last seasons fashions, or anything that would reveal the gay man to be human & imperfect, out comes the little shame monster & the velvet rage. Do you see your own pattern in yourself in any of those? Don't worry, I did... And to be honest it caused me to put down the book for awhile, because I wasn't ready. I dint have the understanding or compassion for myself. The day eventually came when I was ready so I read it and it was one of the best books I've ever read. I know not all gay men express themselves in the ways I mentioned, but sadly many do. If you do, and want to find a way out of that & have a real life filled with joy then read this book! Alan Downs gives you the tools here to practice living a joyful authentic life.
    Namaste
    14 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2012
    Brilliant, Insightful, Deep! This book is for anyone who felt grossly inadequate, flawed, bullied, or an outsider as a child. Whether the trauma was embarrassment about your family, your personal flaws, or any secret, this book walks the reader through the ways we compensate in childhood. These childhood adaptations are limited by our development and options at the time. However, we get so good at protecting and hiding our flaws or shame that we never reopen the thought patterns around the wound to see if, as a developed adult with adult options, we can free ourselves from the boundaries and consequential life we created to compensate. I've explored human potential for decades and found this book to be profound. It's a lot of material and requires introspection. But, it came with experiential rewards when it "clicked." The author provides many examples from his therapy practice which illustrate his point and the patient's ultimate insight and healing.

    Admittedly, only the first half of the book brilliantly deals with freeing ourselves of childhood shame, the second half of the book deals more with the ways that we have become socially challenged in relationships. I found the second half to be material I had heard in other places, and some of it might seem like common sense. But, nonetheless, it provides a good refresher, and if you have a challenging relationship today, there is a good likelihood this book will help.

    Well worth the time if you have something inside that you protect or are reluctant to share with others. As you read, you may find yourself finding insights and freedom. You can begin to see how your life and relationships have been far less based on your own free-will than you realized. Instead, you may discover your life has been largely designed to continuously validate a life perspective developed with the capabilities and emotional maturity of a child. It's time to reinvent yourself with an adult perspective freed from the limitations imposed by shame.
    9 people found this helpful
    Report

Top reviews from other countries

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  • Martin Lelaidier
    5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing book
    Reviewed in Canada on November 7, 2022
    I have never read a book that best describes the different phases of what I went through in life, thoughts, struggles, shame, etc. Never thought that a book such as this one would exist one day. This is a life changing book that will speak mostly to Gay men that are already in the process of making some changes in their lives for the better. If you are a Gay man, you must read this. If you are not ready for it after a couple of pages read, leave it in your bookcase for a while and come back to it later. One day you'll be ready for it.
  • Dogu S.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Love the book
    Reviewed in Germany on April 30, 2023
    Wonderful book. The relatability to everything the author has put is amazing. I’d say a must read for all gay males navigating through the challenges of life in this era. So relatable, super relevant.
  • Jean
    5.0 out of 5 stars Important book
    Reviewed in Brazil on April 8, 2021
    Awesome this is an importante book to comprehend the challenges people live.
  • Elena
    5.0 out of 5 stars Per capire chi ti è accanto
    Reviewed in Italy on October 24, 2019
    Non mi è assolutamente piaciuto il fatto che non esista un'edizione tradotta in italiano.
    Mi è piaciuta l'analisi fatta dall'infanzia alla maturità con chiarezza e lucidità. Utile sia al singolo omosessuale che alla famiglia stessa di origine.
    Non mi è piaciuto il contesto socio-economico in cui prevalentemente è ambientato il libro, forse troppo elevato per essere un contesto standard.
  • Jorge González
    5.0 out of 5 stars Very recommended literature.
    Reviewed in Mexico on July 30, 2017
    I feel that, for a homosexual man, reading this book works like visits to the psychiatrist. It allows you to get to understand yourself better how your mind and personality has been influenced throughout the years by the rejection of the people around you while they point fingers at you. And for those around gay people who are family and friends, it gives a windows to the feelings they grow up with and the great positive impact that it has on the gay people when they experience their acceptance. Since it is nowadays absolutely likely that all count at least a homosexual person among our friends or family, this book is highly recommended to everybody.