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BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns Paperback – September 16, 2014

by Bill Eddy (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 709 ratings
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BIFF IS A GAME CHANGER FOR COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE WITH HIGH CONFLICT PERSONALITIES

We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect, creating a need to manage our responses to high conflict people (HCPs). A BIFF Response® can be applied in any communication anywhere: in an email, a text message, on social media, or in a letter. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors, and others anywhere in your life.

BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely while being reasonable in return. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. A BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It takes practice! This first book in the Conflict Communication Series is for anyone dealing with high conflict written communications. Complete with instructions in the four-step BIFF method, and numerous practical examples, readers will learn the intricacies of stopping the back-and-forth messages and ultimately contain the conflict. (If you need to use BIFF with a co-parent, BIFF for CoParent Communication is just for you! And BIFF at Work is perfect for workplace communication.)

This Second Edition includes a new chapter on Coaching for BIFF Responses. Anyone can use this coaching method to help someone else with a BIFF communication by asking 10 simple questions to make it even more effective.

Then learn the EAR Statement™ technique in Calming Upset People with EAR for communicating in person (verbally) in high-conflict situations or with any upset person. An EAR Statement can calm an angry or upset person in seconds!

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    176 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Unhooked Books
  4. Publication date
    September 16, 2014
  5. Dimensions
    5.75 x 0.5 x 8.5 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1936268728
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1936268726
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review


"I used Bill Eddy to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked."
— Dan Solin, author of the Smartest series of books


"I used Bill Eddy to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked."
― Dan Solin, author of the Smartest series of books

From the Inside Flap

We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect…

A BIFF Response can be applied in any communication anywhere – online, social media, in a letter or even in person. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors and others anywhere in your life.

BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely, while being reasonable in return.

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.A BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It takes practice! This little book gives over 20 examples of BIFF responses for all areas of life—plus additional tips to help you deal with high-conflict people anywhere.
See if you can do a BIFF! Not everyone can!

Author bio:
Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the President of the High Conflict Institute. He developed the “High Conflict Personality&; theory and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities. Eddy is the author of several books, including It&;s All Your Fault at Work! and High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.

Testimonial:
"I used Bill to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked."
Dan Solin, Author of the Smartest series of books.


Second edition info: This Second Edition includes a new chapter on Coaching for BIFF Responses. Anyone can use this method to help someone else with a BIFF response – by asking 10 simples questions to make it even more effective.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Unhooked Books; Second edition (September 16, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 176 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1936268728
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1936268726
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.75 x 0.5 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 709 ratings

About the author

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Bill Eddy

Bill Eddy

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Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years’ experience.

He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law inCalifornia and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries.

He is the author or co-author of twenty books and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4.0 million views.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
709 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Diane BRD
5.0 out of 5 stars A must Read!
Reviewed in the United States on November 28, 2023
Verified Purchase
Oh I wish I had read this book in high school! The amount of passive aggressive people and easy skills to work with them. Great for any Business/Sales/Teaching/Working with others to read!
2 people found this helpful
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ALLEN C NAYLOR
5.0 out of 5 stars Judge assigned homework
Reviewed in the United States on April 27, 2023
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After years of dealing with a high conflict ex spouse, and less than a year into mediating we use a Special Master (judge) for disagreements on how our divorce decree and the code is interpreted, he assigned us a book report due on this book through an order of the court. I was so relieved that he could see who was the cause of the turmoil that I ordered the book the same day he filed the order, read it, and had a book report in his inbox in under a week. I knew I was dealing with a high conflict individual and this book has been a game changer. I don’t have to defend myself from any of their false accusations. Just keeping all communication brief, informative, friendly and firm. Miraculously, her demands and accusations have stopped. Highly recommended!
9 people found this helpful
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DebO
5.0 out of 5 stars Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm
Reviewed in the United States on July 22, 2017
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I am a mediator and was about to mediate a case in which one party had been diagnosed a high-conflict personality. Not knowing what that meant or how to work such a label, I picked up this book for help. And that's what I found - help. It prepared me to work that person in a respectful way and model setting boundaries for the others in the dispute. Not only that, but I learned in hindsight what managed to ruin another important relationship in my life and gave me some ideas about how I could have responded in a better way. I've recommended this book to several friends and colleagues to help them in their relationships. The author, Bill Eddy, has other books out, too. I learned too late to recommend this to a friend who went through a disastrous divorce with a narcissist. It would have helped immensely. Not only that - but the books is easy to read, the skills are easy to put into practice, and so brief, informative, friendly, and firm that all of us can quickly understand and get on board.
26 people found this helpful
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hambone
4.0 out of 5 stars Short but good
Reviewed in the United States on July 24, 2016
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I bought this book for help in dealing with my ex, and it really was helpful. About half of the book was advice for specific situations that don't apply to me, but I liked that it was so far reaching even though I didn't need all of the targeted advice. It's pretty short - I thought the content was five star, but thought it was a bit over priced for the length. The advice in this book really helped me to take my emotional reactivity out of my communication with my ex, and my husband and I always read over my emails now with "BIFF" in mind before we hit send. Now if only I could get my ex to read it....
5 people found this helpful
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Steven Attridge
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing methods for dealing with difficult individuals
Reviewed in the United States on November 19, 2023
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The BIFF series of books were written specifically to help you manage your interactions with those who you often find it difficult. The author calls such individuals "High Conflict People" (or HCPs). As a therapist I work with HCPs often, so I am quite familiar with HCPs. I hadn't read such a concise and practical set of methods that the reader can employ to make interactions with HCPs tolerable and minimizes damages caused to either party.

This particular edition (with a red cover), titled "QUICK RESPONSES TO HIGH CONFLICT PEOPLE: THEIR PERSONAL ATTACKS, HOSTILE EMAIL AND SOCIAL MEDIA MELTDOWNS". This book deals with how to cope with HCPs' attacks via electronic devices - a unique medium that allows one to formulate a well-thought out, measured and appropriate response. As compared to in-person confrontation, where it can be easy to forget all sense of logic or reason, responding out of pure emotion often leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings, with no change in the conflicted situation that began the whole thing.

This is the book for you if you're battling with someone who pushes, prods or provokes you with every interaction, disrupting your sense of peace and contentedness. Don't let them do that any longer, take control, buy this $10 book and learn to handle such individuals as the appropriate adult that you are!
4 people found this helpful
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REM
5.0 out of 5 stars Survive your job and even improve your position!
Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2022
Verified Purchase
I was able to stay in my last job until I reached retirement age thanks to what I learned in this book! I highly recommend this book for any employee, but especially women. We are taught to doubt ourselves. This book counters that teaching with facts and examples.
Workplace abuse comes in many forms. Some of it can be very subtle; even taking the form of "gaslighting." This book identifies types of abuse and of abusers and offers suggestions for handling each.
9 people found this helpful
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Shelley Macmillan
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
Reviewed in the United States on November 27, 2021
Verified Purchase
This is a short, concise “how to” book. It does not go into a whole lot to understand behaviors, but really is just a quick handbook on how to handle conflicts in your communication.
It was very timely for me and I am 100% happy that I had it when I needed it. The ideas and “how to’s” presented were spot on and worked.
2 people found this helpful
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MarkPA
5.0 out of 5 stars Good insights on how to NOT handle High-Conflict People
Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2019
Verified Purchase
Critics have complained that this book concentrates on written responses in limited circumstances. That is a fair, but not necessarily serious, limitation. I speculate that most normal people are most frustrated by high-conflict people with whom they deal privately and orally; not in writing. Family, friends, co-workers. Generally, responding with a prescribed "BIFF" e-mail is not the recommended approach in such oral and private high-conflict interactions.

Nevertheless, the author explains a great deal about what does NOT work in responding to high-conflict people. These insights are invaluable in all contexts. Read for these insights and your time will be well spent notwithstanding that you may never write a "BIFF" response where that is the appropriate solution.
20 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Rick Zasada
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book
Reviewed in Canada on October 10, 2022
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Good book to read
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kidderliverpool
5.0 out of 5 stars Really works and easy to remember
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 30, 2021
Verified Purchase
This books really works and is simple to use. Read a fair number of psychology books in the past on trying to deal with difficult people. They go into a lot of theory and research, which in the face of it is useful. But in reality, the information tends to leave your brain the minute you're in a stressful situation and having to deal with these 'lovely' people.

BIFF is different in that you can remember the acronym easily, and more importantly, it teaches you not to get dragged into long, drawn out arguments and time drains that high conflict people inevitably drag you into.

I also recommend it as it strikes a good balance of staying polite and not stooping to their level, but also standing up for yourself and having boundaries. I feel like books I've read in the past either go to far with being vindictive and mean back to awful people (which is a big tempatation - but only further entangles you in their warped way of thinking) or being too forgiving and being a bit of a walk over.

I'm glad I bought this book and feel more able to deal with high conflict people.
One person found this helpful
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AM
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant Insightful Practical Book for Today's Times
Reviewed in India on September 22, 2018
Verified Purchase
This book has PHENOMENAL insights and pointers to effective handling of difficult human communications and relations.

The content of a hostile email/note is more an expression of the personality of the sender, than a genuine reflection of any reality about you. Realising this itself is a huge destressor. Once you learn not to take it personally, you are faced with the task of dealing with the email/note/behaviour. Do you reply, if so how? This book gives us great tips on if and how that are based on a solid understanding of the psyche of difficult people. It gives wise strategies that are compassionate, gentle, humane, understanding and very effective.

This book changes your mental state from feeling like a helpless and angry victim (complaining, asking other people to help) to feeling wiser and stronger to deal with the situation effectively.

In this way it helps to change your life in one of the very best ways possible.

The book itself is BIFF - Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. It's written in a conversational style that is very easy to read, and succinct.

A MUST-READ for all who want to uphold dignity and peace in the face of provocation.
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Lenore Davi
5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
Reviewed in Australia on March 5, 2022
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Very clear process for dealing with high conflict people. Wish l had learned these skills years ago. Life changing.
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DrRowland
5.0 out of 5 stars an eye opener
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 19, 2022
Verified Purchase
This book will help change your life. You will spot High conflict people and help yourself reacting to them. It’s essential for anyone dealing with the public.
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